


A Transference of Feeling

by rumpelsnorcack



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-02 22:10:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 57,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10228583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumpelsnorcack/pseuds/rumpelsnorcack
Summary: Isak hated that he was being forced to do this.  He hated leaving Nissen because of his stupid parents’ stupid fights and stupid rules.  Isak didn’t understand why he had to move just because they couldn’t get their shit together anymore; this felt like more punishment on top of having been left alone with his mother and all her weird moods and difficult behaviours.Aka, the au where Isak transferred schools rather than Even.





	1. Isak

**Author's Note:**

> I hereby present yet another of these giant fics which I'm prone to, that swap PoVs between the two of them and use far too many words while doing so.
> 
> My aim this time is to post roughly once a week. It's half written, so I need the time to get the other half done.
> 
> Many thanks to [Sarah](http://douchenuts.tumblr.com/) who's the best beta reader ever and always encourages me to make my work better, and to [Camilla](https://hjertetssunnegalskap.tumblr.com/) who has kindly stepped in to provide Norwegian eyes to ensure I get things as accurate as possible.

“You ready for this?” Jonas asked Isak as they prepared to part ways early on the first morning of the school year.  

It was almost blindingly bright and Isak had taken advantage of the excuse to slip on a pair of sunglasses.  It was nice to have a good reason to cover his eyes; otherwise, people might be able to see either the red rims or the dark bruises under his eyes which betrayed how little sleep he’d got the last few days.

Isak shrugged.  “Got no choice, bro.”  

Isak was nowhere near as confident as he was pretending.  He hated that he was being forced to do this.  He hated leaving Nissen because of his stupid parents’ stupid fights and stupid rules.  Isak didn’t understand why _he_ had to move just because _they_ couldn’t get their shit together anymore; this felt like more punishment on top of having been left alone with his mother and all her weird moods and difficult behaviours.  Just because Isak had taken matters into his own hands and subsequently left home to move in with strangers was no fucking reason to send him to a different school.  Not when his own parents were so fucking useless.  He shouldn’t have been expected to stay with his mother, and the fact that he did something about it should have been celebrated, but no … he was dragged away from his new life, and thrown into a new school to boot, because apparently he needed to be removed from "the bad influence" of Jonas and his other friends.  So here he was, with no friends, no familiar teachers and subjects.  Just pretentious assholes with their media shit.

Isak’s face must have betrayed the bleakness of his thoughts because Jonas bumped his arm and said, “Ah, come on, Isak.  You’ve got this.  I’ll see you here after school, yeah?”

“I guess.”

“Wow, so enthusiastic.  Okay, captain of Team Grumpy, I’ll let you go now.  See you later.”

“Later,” Isak said, holding his hand out for a fistbump which Jonas laughed before accepting.

After Jonas walked off, Isak took a deep breath and steeled himself before walking in the direction of Elvebakken.  He had to take several more calming breaths as he he got near the school.  It was imperative that he didn’t look like he was out of place on this all-important first day, even if he felt like every eye was on him and he’d never manage to find anyone who suited him the way Jonas, and even Eva, had.  

It took everything Isak had to walk past the curious eyes and into the school.  By the time he’d made it into his first class, Isak was feeling like he was walking under a spotlight; no-one spoke to him, but everyone stared as if he were some sort of exotic specimen.   Maybe he was.  Maybe there was something about him which screamed ‘loser’ to everyone who glanced at him.

Isak slid into a seat near the back of the class, and pulled his books out.  Anything to avoid catching any eyes.  Anything to avoid seeing the curious looks and the smirking laughter from those around him.  Someone grunted and dropped into the chair next to his, but Isak kept his eyes on his book.  The guy reeked even this early in the day, and Isak sighed internally.  What a fabulous idea this whole transfer had been.   _Thanks, Dad_ , he thought sarcastically.   _I didn’t need friends anyway_ .  He suffered through being introduced to the class, and then refocused on his work.  The guy next to him turned his back on Isak and chatted cheerfully with the people at the table behind them.  Which … great.  Even BO guy had better social skills than Isak did.  He sighed.  Ah well.  It was a chance to get good grades anyway, if he didn’t make any friends.  And that, as his parents pointed out all the fucking time, was the actual point of school.  


By lunchtime, Isak was exhausted.  His classes were easy enough, but he’d barely managed to talk to anyone and there was no-one who looked like they might be friend material.  He longed for Nissen and his friends with an intensity which startled him.  He wondered what Jonas and Eva might be up to.  Would they be eating lunch too?  They probably wouldn’t be sitting together, but they might be sharing a glance across the room and smiling at some of their other friends’ antics.  Isak even found himself missing Elias.  The guy was a class A jerk, but he was a familiar jerk and even his shitty jokes at Isak’s expense would be better than being ignored here.

He paid for his sad looking sandwich at the cafeteria then found himself a table out of the way in the corner.  From here, Isak thought he’d be able to see the people coming and going around him without being observed himself.  He pulled out his Biology textbook, curious about a comment the teacher had made this morning which contradicted something he’d learned last year.  He was flipping through the pages, when he heard someone sneer, ‘oh god, look at that guy - studying already; what a loser’ and someone else sniggering in response.  Flushing, Isak glanced up to see two guys walking past his table, but their attention was already directed elsewhere and they paid him no more mind.  

What caught Isak’s eye as he was about to return his attention to his book was another guy.  This one was sitting across from him and looking at the two who’d gone past with a disgusted expression on his face.  He caught Isak looking and smiled at him with raised eyebrows before turning back to the book he was reading.  

Isak felt hot all over just looking at the guy.  He was stunning.  His jean jacket looked like it came from some sort of indie fashion shoot, and his feet -- casually propped on the table -- spoke of confidence and self-possession.  His hair was slicked back and, altogether, Isak thought he’d never seen a more beautiful person.  He allowed himself the luxury of another moment staring at the guy before turning back to the Biology.

Over the next few days, Isak saw the beautiful guy around school a lot.  He was almost always alone, too, and Isak started to make up backstories for him to explain why someone so clearly cool was so often by himself.  He was a movie star who was doing research in a high school on how to act like a teenager for the next big movie, and didn’t want to get close to the students.  He was so intimidatingly beautiful that no-one dared approach him, leaving him permanently alone.  He was a being from another planet who was trying to learn Earth’s ways but hadn’t yet learned the language.  

Isak entertained himself with thinking about the guy when he wasn’t studying.  Because fuck it.  It didn’t matter here if anyone thought he was into guys.  It wasn’t like Nissen, where everyone had certain expectations of Isak.  And it wasn’t like he had to please his fucking parents anymore.  In fact, if he did do something to embarrass them … well, that was all the better to punish them for doing this to him.  Thinking of beautiful guys, or looking at beautiful guys, wasn’t going to do any harm, so Isak gave himself permission to keep doing it.  


School life had become a little easier as the days went by.  Isak hadn’t made any real friends, but he’d at least talked civilly to the people he was seated with in class and didn’t feel quite so out of place when he entered his classrooms.  He still didn’t know anyone well enough to have lunch with them, but he wasn’t unhappy about that.  No-one, apart from maybe the gorgeous mystery guy, seemed like someone Isak wanted to get to know properly anyway.  And his time alone gave him a chance to get work done before he had to head home.  It wasn’t easy to study there, not with his mother so often out of her own head and needing help with chores and basic household upkeep.  So, if Isak was going to keep up his grades, he had to take this time at school.

His phone buzzed.   _You up for a party?_

Isak smiled.  Jonas.   _Always.  Where and when?_

_Eyyyyyy.  Noora’s house.  Friday night_

Isak blanched.  Noora’s house was his old house, from which his father had extracted him in order to make him go back to his mother and attend this new school, and Isak didn’t know how he felt about going back there.  As if he could read Isak’s mind, Jonas texted again.

_It’s chill bro.  You don’t have to come_

Isak shook himself out of his funk.  He wanted to see his friends again, and he couldn’t avoid the place forever.

_It’s cool.  I’ll be there_

_Yaaaas. It’ll be epic!_

Smiling as he put his phone away, Isak looked up and into the eyes of the beautiful boy.  He jumped.  The boy was right by Isak’s table and smiling down at him.  And Jesus he was tall.

“Can I sit here?”

“Uh, sure.  I guess.”

“You guess.  Wow, what a welcome.”

Isak blushed as the boy sat down, knocking his shoulder into Isak’s in a friendly way as he did so.

“I just mean …”

“Don’t stress.  I’m Even, by the way,” he said holding his hand out.

Isak took it, still stunned by the turn this was taking.  He hadn’t expected the boy to notice him, let alone want to spend time with him.

“Isak,” he said as he dropped the hand and fiddled with the pages of his textbook.

“Isak,” the boy repeated.  “It’s nice to meet you, Isak.  You’re new here.”

It wasn’t a question, but Isak nodded anyway.  “Transferred this year.”

The boy nodded as if he understood.  “That’s tough.”

Isak felt his lips curving into a smile.  “You could say that, yeah.”

The beautiful boy laughed.   _Even_.  Even laughed.  And fuck did Isak find that laugh sexy.  He grinned back.

“And how do you find this esteemed establishment?”

“Uh … it’s okay, I guess.”

“Such praise.  I’m overwhelmed.”

Isak sniggered, he couldn’t help himself.

“Well, it’s not exactly all that different from any other school is it?  Kids being kids, teachers being teachers.  Same old shit, different face.”

“I guess you got me there.”  Even smiled at him again, and Isak found himself hot all over.  Again.  There should be some kind of law against going round being that gorgeous; it was far too distracting.  Even’s smile widened and he nodded towards Isak’s books.  “What have you got there?”

“Biology.”

Even shuddered theatrically.  “Why are you torturing yourself?”

“It’s not torture!”  Isak said grumpily.  “It’s so interesting, finding out what makes things go, what makes them unique and how that comes down through a population, you know?”

“Not my thing really.”  Even shrugged.  “But it’s cool that you like it.”

Even sounded like he genuinely believed that and Isak flushed again.  He wasn’t used to it being ‘cool’ to like a subject like Biology, and always assumed he’d be ridiculed for it.  Jonas always acted like he was weird, though it didn’t stop him coming to Isak for help when he needed it.  But Even seemed to accept it and think it was a good thing.  This was a little too much for Isak to take in.

“I … uh...”

Just then the bell rang, startling them both.  Even recovered first.

"Well, Isak.  It’s almost time for class again, but do you mind if I sit here again tomorrow?”

Did he _mind_?  Was Even blind?  How could he not realise how awesome it was that he’d chosen to interact with Isak?

“No, not at all,” Isak managed to squeak out.

“Great.”  Even patted him on the shoulder as he stood and walked away.  With his shoulder burning from the contact, Isak tried to process what had just happened.  For some reason, the most beautiful person Isak had seen had chosen to talk to him … and wanted to repeat the experience.  Shaking himself out of his reverie, Isak gathered his things up and barely got to his next class on time.  


Unsure if Even had meant what he said, Isak waited nervously at the table the next day poking the wilted salad he’d chosen because it was, unfortunately, the best looking thing in the cafeteria.  Sure enough, Even sauntered up a few minutes into the lunch period with equally sad looking food.

“Fuck, the food here is terrible,” he said as he plopped down next to Isak.

“It is.  I keep thinking I should bring my own but I’m too fiucking lazy.”

Even laughed, that sexy laugh that was already starting to make Isak’s insides turn molten every time he heard it.  “You too?”

“Yeah.  My mum keeps saying I should do it the night before, but I never do.”

“Oh yeah.  Besides, there’s only old people food at home, all healthy and shit.  It’d taste like balls.”

“Couldn’t be worse than this shit anyway,” Isak said as he pushed his plate away from himself.

“We should get out of here.  Find some real food somewhere.”  Even’s eyes were alight with mischief.

“I wish we could,” Isak sighed.

“What’s stopping you?”

The school bell rang, and Isak inclined his head towards the sound.  “That is.  I gotta get to class.”

“Maybe tomorrow, then?”

“Yeah maybe,” Isak said, his stomach fluttering at the look in Even’s eyes.  He was new to all this allowing himself to be attracted to guys, but he was fairly sure that Even was flirting, at least a little.  Even smiled at Isak again as he left and Isak felt like he was floating for the rest of the day.    


“So.  We’re doing this?”  Even asked as he sat down the next day.

“Doing what?”

“Isak.  I’m disappointed that you’ve already forgotten our great food quest.”

“Oh.  I didn’t think you were serious.”

“One thing you’ll learn about me -- I’m always serious when it comes to food.  Come on.”

Even stood and walked away as if confident that Isak would follow.  Isak sat frozen for a brief moment before pushing his own chair back, grabbing his bag and running to catch up with Even.

“Now the trick is,” Even said as if there had been no interruption to the conversation, “to walk out like you own the place.  No fumbling and looking defensive.”

Isak swallowed and nodded.  He’d never skipped school _from school_ before.  Any days he’d missed at Nissen had been pre-planned like a military operation.  But Even seemed to know what he was doing, so Isak just strode out the door after him like he knew what he was doing too.  

They walked in silence for a few blocks before Isak asked hesitantly, “where are we going?”

“I don’t know.  The world’s your oyster, young Isak.  Where do you want to go?”

“Somewhere with edible food,” Isak said as his stomach let out an embarrassing rumble.

Even laughed.  “That sounds urgent.  So --” he indicated a small shop a few doors ahead, “we’ll go in here.  Best pizza in Oslo.”

Isak followed him in, feeling uncertain.  There was something captivating about being with Even, but he seemed dangerously reckless as well.  Still, Isak couldn’t help but admit that something reckless stirred in him too when he was with Even.  He grinned at him as they ordered, and Even’s grin in return was enough to make Isak forget all his hesitations.

“So,” Even said once they’d finished their pizza, “what’s your story?”

Isak flushed.  He should have expected this, being the new guy and all, but he’d allowed himself to become complacent because no-one else had bothered to ask.  He fumbled for an answer.

“I’m … hmmm.”  Isak stopped and thought for a moment before carefully selecting his words.  “Family stuff made it so I couldn’t keep on at Nissen and so here I am.”

“Nissen, huh?  You miss it?”

Isak nodded, feeling the old betraying nostalgia clogging up his throat.  Even was watching; Isak could feel his eyes on him and there was sympathy in the hand that gave Isak’s shoulder a gentle squeeze.  

“That sucks.  I’m … uh.  I’m repeating my last year.  Which sucks, too.”

Isak glanced over at Even and saw him scowling at his empty plate, clearly uninterested in saying anything further about why he was repeating.  “That does sound shit,” Isak said.

“Yeah.  So, since we both have shit reasons for being at this place, let’s just … not go back.”

“Not go back?”  Isak could feel the frown forming on his face as he tried to process this.

“Yeah.  Skip the afternoon, be rebels in Oslo for a bit.”

He looked so pensive, almost sad, that Isak nodded, despite his reservations.  The smile Even gave in response made Isak’s insides squirm again.  He had to remind himself that this wasn’t a damn date, just two guys ditching school for an afternoon.  Because the way Even looked at him sure made it feel like it could be a date, at least in another universe.  The way they wandered around the streets, laughing and talking about stupid nonsense, felt like two people who could be on a date.  The feeling got even worse when Even suddenly lit up and dragged Isak into a nearby museum by his hand, which he was slow to release when they got inside.

To cover the flood of emotions which overtook Isak at the touch of Even’s skin on his, Isak said, “a museum, Even?  Seriously?”

“What?  You can’t handle a little culture?”

“We came here as kids, all the time.  It hasn’t changed much …”

“I don’t think you truly appreciate the gift we have here, Isak.  This is your history, your past.  Take the time to look at it carefully.  Here, I’ll show you ...”

And infuriatingly, Even grabbed Isak’s wrist and began to walk slowly through all the exhibits, explaining everything to Isak in a way he’d never considered before.  It wasn’t long, however, before Isak was entranced.  Not just with the place and the new things he was learning, but with Even.  The way his face grew lively as he pointed out something intriguing about an old artifact, the way his hands started flying when he explained what certain structures might have been used for, the way his eyes crinkled at the edges when he regaled Isak with a silly fact about something on the wall.  And his laughter, which bubbled out of him almost constantly, made Isak feel lighter and more free than he ever had before, and made his own laughter swirl up far more often than it had over the past few months.

“... and this one, Isak, is very important to me personally.  My great great grandfather is the one who dragged this out of the river.  It’s the first of its kind ever discovered.”

Isak gaped at him.  “That’s … wow,” he said, impressed.

Even crinkled his eyes at Isak again, and Isak could feel himself melting.  That smile was so fucking amazing it should be illegal.

“My great great grandfather was very famous for this, and people still come to our house -- where he also lived, you know -- to see where he sat when he made the famous call.”

Isak started to feel suspicious that this story wasn’t entirely truthful, but Even looked so sincere that Isak couldn’t believe he could be lying.  He nodded, carefully.

“And you know, I look like him, so people ask for my picture every day …”

It became obvious that Even was pulling Isak’s leg.  The eyes which were staring down into Isak’s own were filled with mirth and Even’s mouth was lifting at the corners as if he couldn’t keep his laugh in any longer.

“You’re fucking joking!”

Even did laugh then, his eyes crinkling again in a way that was obnoxiously beautiful.  “Of course.  It even says the name here … nothing like mine.”

“Well, I don’t even know your last name!”  Isak couldn’t help the grin that was plastered on his own face.  By rights he should be furious at being tricked this way, but he was just happy.  Even’s delight in his victory was so innocent that Isak couldn’t hold a grudge.

“I can’t believe you fell for that.”  Even grinned at Isak again, moving slightly closer.  “And it’s Bech Næsheim, by the way, my last name.”

“How much of the rest of what you said was bullshit too?”

Even laughed again.  “None of it.  All the rest was true; I just wanted to see if you’d believe anything I told you.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“You love it.”

Which, yeah.  Even was right.  Isak _did_ love it, and that thought scared the shit out of him.  


By the time they got back to school at the end of the day, Isak was breathless with laughter, and felt like he could maybe, finally, find a home of some sort at Bakka.  It was a heady feeling.  But when they parted, he felt suddenly shy.  After the afternoon they’d had, he felt awkward saying goodbye the way they always had.   _Always_ , he snorted at himself.  It had been two days.  Even saved him from his torment, though.

“Well, Isak, it’s been a pleasure ditching school with you.  I’ll see you next week, yeah?”

“Yeah.”  Isak smiled up at Even, who punched him lightly on the shoulder before turning on his heel and walking off.

Isak let out a breath before pulling his phone out and texting Jonas.

_That party still on?_

_Of course, bro.  You’ll come?_

_Yup.  You better have lots of beers for me_

_Greedy fucker!  You drank all of mine last time_

Laughing, Isak walked towards his home.  By the time he got there his good mood was gone.  He could hear his mother’s shouts from a block away, and he cringed.  There were days when Isak wondered what the neighbours thought of his family situation, and this was definitely one of them.  Still.  Isak was unwilling to go inside; he never knew how to deal with his mother when she was in this state and he resented his father for leaving him with this responsibility.  So he turned around and headed in the direction of Jonas’s house.  Riddled with guilt over leaving his mother alone, even while his resentment simmered on, however, Isak texted his father that he should come help her, then tried to put it all out of his mind.

“Hey, man!” Jonas yelled as he wrapped Isak into a hug when he opened the door.  “What are you doing here?”

“What?  I can’t just come hang out?”

“Of course you can.  I was just surprised.  Come in.”

Jonas stepped back and allowed Isak into his house.  Isak swallowed as he removed his shoes and headed in the direction of Jonas’s bedroom.  It felt weird to be here today, as if it had been more than five days of separation.  The difference in schools and experiences weighed heavily between them as they sat on Jonas’s bed.

“Everything going okay at your new fancy school?”  Jonas finally asked.

“Fancy?  Whatever.  It’s a bunch of assholes being pretentious all day.  But it’s okay.”  Isak could feel the small tug of his lips as he thought about _why_ it was suddenly okay.  Jonas noticed, of course.

“You look happy.  Met a girl, then?”

“Nah, nothing like that.  Just having some fun with some guys I met.”

“Ah, fun.  Nothing like that at Nissen, just the same old boring shit as always.  You sure are lucky.”

Isak scoffed, then asked, “how’s things at Nissen?  Any decent first years?”

“Yeah a few.  There’s this one, oh man she’s gorgeous.  Looks like Natalie Portman, you know?”

“Sounds way out of your league.  Maybe I should have a go.”

“You?  Dream on.  This chick’s way out of all of our leagues.  Her last boyfriend was some sort of model.”

“Just because she’s been with a model doesn’t mean she can’t be with me.”

“Whatever, bro.  She’ll be at the party, so you should see what you’re never going to land.”

Isak laughed.  “I’ll see her, and I’ll bag her.  You’ll see.”  


Several hours, and a few beers, later and Isak’s confidence had taken a nosedive.  They were on the threshold of his old home, and painful memories were threatening to overwhelm him.  This was where he’d stood when he dad had shouted at him about irresponsibility and how ‘worried sick’ he and Isak’s mother had been.  This was where he’d screamed back that he didn’t fucking care because sixteen was too goddam young to be left in charge of an adult.  When his father had yelled back that Isak’s mother was the one in charge of him, Isak had felt his eyes fill with tears and he’d finally done the unforgivable, the thing that had sealed his fate, sent him to a new school and forced him back into the hated house.  He’d told his father that just because _he_ couldn’t be fucking bothered looking after his sick mother, that didn’t mean he could make Isak do it for him.  Isak’s father’s face had closed in, and a fury had taken over his eyes.  Isak found himself in the car and back in his mother’s ‘care’ before he really had a chance to think.  

Looking at the doorway now, Isak blanched.  Jonas pressed forward, however, and Isak followed him, determined not to let his father ruin this for him.

He was only metres in the door when he began to rethink his choices.  The girl Jonas was clearly talking about was standing nearby with some friends.  She _was_ stunning, but Isak couldn’t bring himself to care.  He couldn’t stop himself from comparing her to Even.  She was tall (Even was taller), she was long and lean (Even’s long and lean was just … better), her hair was dark and close cropped to her head (Even’s hair was neither dark nor close cropped, and infinitely superior), her voice as it carried across the room to him was high and giggly (Even’s voice was neither high nor giggly) and on it went.

Unfortunately, his bragging from earlier came back to bite Isak.  Jonas knocked his arm and nodded in her direction.

“Good luck, buddy.  You’re going to need it.”

If this had been any other party on any other day, Isak might have laughed him off.  But the tension that had built while he’d roamed the museum with Even, the anger he felt at his parents, and the terror he felt that someone here in his old life might realise he didn’t like girls, all combined to make Isak swagger over to the girl and try to chat her up.

It was easy, once he started, to call up his charming alter ego.  It was easy to figure out that she expected to be flattered and to turn that around on her with slight insults meant to intrigue.  It was easy to then tell her how beautiful she actually was and introduce himself.  It was easy because Isak didn’t care, and when he had her clinging to him for the rest of the evening Isak wished he hadn’t bothered.  Kissing her was boring, holding her did nothing for him, and her delighted laughter when they talked made his head ache.  He wished himself miles from here, but his friends were impressed and Isak had to constantly remind himself that impressing them had been the whole point of this.  

Finally, once he figured he’d done enough to make everyone believe in Isak the womaniser firmly enough, he stepped away pleading a family crisis.  Which wasn’t actually a complete lie.  Isak was starting to feel really bad about leaving his mother behind this afternoon.  He searched out Jonas.

“I have to leave, sorry,” he said when he finally reached Jonas who was chatting to his new friends, Magnus and Mahdi.

“Bro, but you got the hottest girl here.  If you stay you’ll get in her pants for sure.”  Magnus sounded scandalised that anyone would walk away from someone like that.

Isak barked out a laugh that sounded fake even to his ears.  “Nah.  You gotta keep them waiting.  She’ll be back next time.”  The sad thing was, that was probably true.  The girl, Emma, had seemed very keen when he’d left and pressed her phone number into his phone then sent a message to herself from it.

The boys looked impressed, and slapped him on the back.  Isak grimaced, and Jonas noticed.  “Is everything okay, bro?” he asked, pulling Isak slightly aside.

“Yeah.  Well, not really.  It’s my mum.  She’s … you know.  I just got a message.”

“Oh.  Okay, buddy.  Will you come hang tomorrow?”

“If I can,” Isak sighed.  “You know how it is.”

Jonas nodded, and let Isak walk away.

Isak felt terrible.  The first week at Bakka hadn’t been as bad as he’d thought it might be, because of Even, but everything else in his life was pretty shit and he didn’t see any way that any of it would get any better.  His feet dragged, and he almost wished he hadn’t left the party despite how boring he’d found it.  

Isak sighed as he arrived at his house to find all the lights still on and his mother fast asleep on the couch.  She was surrounded by trash, and Isak carefully started tidying the room, making sure he didn’t wake her.  She was always really angry -- at herself, at the world and at everyone else around her -- when she woke up after these moments if everything wasn’t in its place, so Isak had learned to just fix it.  It was just easier than dealing with the fallout.  Isak started plotting ways he could get out of the house again permanently, preferably back to Noora’s place where the people accepted him and let him be, rather than piling a whole heap of expectations on him.  The idea of getting out of here was the only thing that kept him going.  That, and the memory of Even’s laughter as they’d roamed Oslo together.


	2. Even

Being back at school this year was horrific, Even thought savagely as he walked the familiar corridors.  None of his friends were here, and the rest of the school was giving him a wide berth, pity and/or horror in their eyes when they glanced his way.  He gritted his teeth.  It was infuriating.  There were days, and this was one of them, when he wished he’d taken his mother’s advice to transfer to another school.  There, he might have had a chance to fit in and be at least a little normal.  Here, he was always going to be ‘weird Even’ who ‘had that meltdown’ last year.

He plonked himself down in a seat before his first class of the first day and glowered at the people around him.  None of them approached his table until a tiny mouse of a girl slunk in close to the bell.  Her eyes widened as she saw that the seat next to his was the only one left.  Even grimaced, but moved his chair slightly to indicate that she should sit.  She did so with a startled look at him as if wondering if he would suddenly bite her head off.

“Hi.  I’m Even,” he said, holding out his hand to her.

“Irene,” she said, gingerly touching his hand before dropping it quickly.  She stared at him for a long moment before adding, “is it true?  That you’re …”

“Crazy?”  

Irene flinched but gave a short nod.  Even closed his eyes briefly, forced himself to relax into a smile, then said,  “that’s an awful way to say it, but I do have bipolar disorder, if that’s what you were asking.”

Irene flushed and dropped her eyes.  “No.  I meant …”

“It’s okay.  I’m sure people are interested.  I’m fine, by the way.  I’m dealing with it now, so I promise I won’t eat you before the lesson’s over.”

She giggled at that, then pulled her books out looking much more at ease than she did when she first arrived.

And that turned out to be pretty much par for the course in every one of Even’s classes.  It was exhausting, having to pretend to be cheerful and ‘normal’ all day just to appease the fears of these random kids he was going to have to spend a year with.  Even sat in the cafeteria that lunchtime with a book, trying to keep himself aloof from everyone.  A bit of time to himself was what he needed in order to face up to the rest of the day.  He wasn’t really paying much attention to the book, though.  It was just there as a prop to keep other people at bay.  So it was that he saw a kid’s reaction when two assholes insulted him for studying already.  The kid flushed and looked really uncomfortable, and Even found himself glaring at the two who’d obviously made the comment.

Even looked over at the kid again and found him looking in his direction.  Even raised his eyebrows and smiled in as friendly a manner as he could.  He got a small smile in return as he returned to pretending to read.  Even found the guy really intriguing.  He clearly was as uncomfortable here as Even himself was.  That he didn’t stare at him in horror meant that he wasn’t aware of the whole mess surrounding Even, and that alone meant he probably hadn’t been here last year when Even’s name and face became infamous.  The guy didn’t seem young enough, or the right sort of lost, to be a first year and he wasn’t in Even’s year, so Even was putting bets on him being a transfer into second year.

Feeling the guy’s eyes still on him, Even chanced a peek over the top of his book, and sure enough the guy was still looking.  But there was no animosity in the gaze; instead he seemed interested, intrigued.  There was something almost desperate and longing in the look Even was getting.  That was a very interesting discovery and Even decided he wanted to get to know the boy better.

Over the next day or two Even didn’t manage to be in the lunchroom at the same time as the kid -- too much stuff to catch up on and teachers trying to talk to him after class -- but he saw him around.  He was always alone and always looked unhappy.  His brows were always knit together as if in anger or distress, and he kept his head down and his eyes on the floor.  Occasionally, Even thought he caught the guy glancing his way, but it was always so fleeting that he could have been imagining it.  On Wednesday, he finally had a chance; the guy was in lunch at the same time Even was for once.  He was on his phone when Even approached, but he soon put it away, then jumped when he noticed Even standing nearby.

“Can I sit here?”  Even asked, by way of introduction.  Best to dive right in; that way the kid wouldn’t be able to run in fear if he did actually know who Even was.

“Uh, sure.  I guess.”  the guy’s voice was warm and soft, and Even felt himself shivering.

“You guess.  Wow, what a welcome.”

And that was that.  They talked, relatively easily, and Even was delighted.  They weren’t in the same year, but that didn’t have to matter.  As they talked it became clear to Even that the kid, Isak, genuinely had no idea who he was or what had happened last year, and that knowledge was freeing.  Here was someone who wouldn’t judge Even, and who might just be the friend he was looking for.  He was free to be himself without worrying that Isak would assume it was because of his dreaded disorder.  

So Even returned the next day, and then the one after he managed to convince Isak to ditch school with him, which delighted him even more.  Not only was Isak unaware of all Even’s issues, but he was also happy to go along with harebrained schemes.  Even better, he was credulous enough to fall for Even’s tall tales, but laid back enough not to take it seriously and get grumpy when he realised he’d been tricked.

It was with real pleasure that Even asked if they could meet again next week, and he was over the moon when Isak agreed.  Even was sure that he’d found the friend he needed.  Irene had come around a little and was willing to talk with him in class and occasionally in the hallways, but she was obviously still wary and waiting for Even to suddenly turn into a monster.  Isak had none of that because Isak didn’t know.  And okay, Even was probably being a little unfair in not telling him, but it wasn’t like he was intending to _never_ say anything.  He just wanted to get to know Isak first, before becoming his illness.  He wanted to be Even, who happened to have an illness, not Even The Illness.  And if that was selfish, well so be it.

 

Monday rolled around and Even found himself actually eager to get to school.  Unfortunately, there was no sign of Isak anywhere, not even in the corridors between classes.  Even found himself pouting, and had to force his face into his usual smile.  It was harder than usual to pretend to be happy all the goddam time.  In some ways, Even found this a little frightening.  Isak had quickly become necessary to Even’s life, or if he were to be less melodramatic, to his happiness.  That Isak had no idea what had happened last year was just too intoxicating, and Even revelled in being with someone who treated him exactly as you would treat any other person.  Isak treated Even the way he wished everyone did, and Even should probably try to wean himself off the joy of that.  It was too dangerous.  He needed to cultivate other friendships to avoid relying so much on Isak and the freedom he symbolised.  Otherwise, if Isak ever did find out (or rather, _when_ he did because Even wasn’t a selfish prick, he really wasn’t) Even might find himself left all alone again.

So he slid into his seat next to Irene and blasted his best smile at her.  She was much less wary of him now, and rolled her eyes when he ostentatiously pulled his books out and flipped to his homework.

“That’s not impressive, you know,” she said.

“On the contrary, it’s _very_ impressive.  You see, I have annotated my homework and added colour coding and all these post-it notes.  I’m a professional homework doer.”

Even tilted his book towards her so she could indeed see the multicoloured highlights and detailed notes all over his work.

Irene snorted.  “That’s not impressive; that’s just being a study nerd.”

“Which is impressive, right?”  Even said, unperturbed as he winked at her, and she giggled again.

Shaking her head, she directed her attention to the front of the room where the teacher had started the lesson.  Even grinned at her again before doing likewise.  This was progress, he told himself.  She may never be his best friend, but Irene was friendly and he could do this.  He _could_ win over people who knew what he was.  Even if it took a long time, he wasn’t doomed to loneliness.

 

After school, Even had arranged to meet up with Mikael who had some time off from his job for once.  Even felt unaccountably nervous as he walked up to the coffee shop they’d agreed to meet in.  It had been a long time since they’d hung out just the two of them, and Even felt all the sting of still being in school while his best friend was out being a real adult in the real world.  

He spotted Mikael sitting slouched in a chair towards the back of the cafe, flicking idly through his phone.  It was so reminiscent of when they’d sit together in the cafeteria at school that Even felt a lump clogging his throat.  God he missed his friend.

“Hey, how’s it been?”  Even said as he dropped into a seat across from Mikael

He’d hoped to startle him, but there was a sly smirk at the corner of Mikael’s mouth that told Even he’d been spotted before he got over here, and he sighed.  

“Can’t you ever even pretend to let me sneak up on you?” he asked with a laugh.

Mikael glanced at him and raised his eyebrows before sliding his phone into his pocket.  “Why would I do that?  This is much more fun.”

Even huffed in put-upon irritation, but he was grinning, his heart light.  Being with Mikael was exactly the way it had been last year, before … well, before everything had gone to shit and he’d failed out in such spectacular fashion.  While they’d seen each other since then, Even still worried that the change in their circumstances would have an effect on how they reacted to each other.  But Mikael was just as he always had been - snarky and sarcastic and relaxed and genuine.  Even allowed himself to relax too.

“So, how’s working life treating you?”  Even asked.

Mikael groaned.  “Don’t ask.  If I didn’t need to save money I’d be out of there.  The boss is a right asshole.”

Even grinned.  “Bet you wish you were still at school, then.”  His eyes crinkled in amusement as Mikael blanched.

“Better you than me, buddy.  As bad as work is, it’s nowhere near as dire as some of those teachers.”

“Ah come on, it’s not that bad, and I’m sure if you’d tried hard enough you could have failed too, and we could have terrorised the school together.  That could have been fun.”

Mikael screwed up his nose.  “Yeaaaah,” he said doubtfully.  “Why’re you so into school anyway?  Never used to be the studying type.”

Even felt himself blushing.  “No reason.  You gotta make the most of it, right?  I’m there so I may as well do it right.”

The unspoken ‘this time’ weighed heavily in the air between them, before Mikael grinned and shoved Even.

“You asshole.  How’ve you been anyway?  Sonja let you off your leash yet?”

Even snorted.  “Yeah, right.  Like she’ll ever give up control.”

Mikael snorted again.  “I hear ya buddy.  Hanne is the same: where have you been, Mik?  Why didn’t you call, Mik?”

“To be fair, you’re an asshole to her.”

Mikael shrugged in acquiescence, then grinned at him.  “So you’re good then?”

“Yeah, I’m good.”

 

The rest of the week passed as it usually did.  Even managed to run into Isak at school occasionally, but those moments were frustratingly few and far between.  They hardly ever had lunch at the same time, so when Even spotted Isak at his usual table on Friday with his books spread out around him and his brow furrowed, Even found himself grinning.

“What’re you up to, loser?  No tests any time soon.”

Isak glanced up at Even from under thick eyelashes and grinned.  The sight did something funny to Even’s stomach and he had to restrain himself from physically gasping.  To cover, he coughed and poked Isak.

“I mean it.  Why study so much?”

Isak looked up at him with wide eyes, and this time Even was able to take in his whole appearance.  He looked pale, with huge bags smudging under his eyes, and rims reddened with either lack of sleep or tears.  Even couldn’t decide which of those he preferred to be the answer; Isak didn’t deserve to be either this tired or this unhappy.  

“Can’t study at home.  No time, and I need to keep my grades up.”

“Isak.  It’s Friday.  It’s week two of school; you shouldn’t be looking so …” Even hesitated, trying to figure out what to say.

“So shit?”

“No, I was going to say exhausted.  I don’t think this is good for you.”

“Well, sorry for caring about my schooling,” Isak snapped.

Even slammed his mouth shut.  Isak was clearly taking this much more seriously than Even had intended, and so he decided he needed to back off.  Maybe try another tack.

“Did you get the balls-tasting cafeteria food again today, then?” he asked, hoping Isak would smile again.

It worked.  Isak glanced up from his books again, tiny curls showing on the corners of his lips.  “You really think I have that much of a death wish?”

“Nah, but you never know.  You said yourself you’re too lazy to make your own.”

“That’s true.  But I may have got sick of the food here and been forced into it.  Self preservation.”

Even just raised his eyebrows at him, and tilted his head.  Isak shrugged.

“You bought the balls food, didn’t you?”  Even pressed him with a laugh.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’m the greatest at making my own food.”

The way his eyes darted around, never settling to any one point, gave him the lie.

“Holy shit, you’re such a bad liar.”

This had the desired effect.  Isak was now laughing and his books lay untouched in front of him.  Even grinned, letting his fondness bleed into the corners of his expression.  Isak looked over at him and Even saw startlement and a tiny touch of something that looked like wonder in Isak’s eyes.  He let his gaze linger until Isak looked down with a faint red staining his cheeks.

“Hey, you doing anything after school today?”  Even asked casually, as if he was just now thinking of it.  As if he hadn’t spent every day this week trying to figure out exactly how he might get Isak alone again.  As if this hadn’t been the plan he’d formulated when he’d come over here today.

“Me?  No.  Just playing FIFA or watching _Narcos_.  Relaxing.”  

“You wanna hang?  Get some kebab or … I dunno.  Smoke some weed.  Just something.”

Isak was looking at him quizzically, and Even realised he may have sounded too eager.  Too much like it meant a lot to him.  He grimaced, and added, “My parents are out most days and it’s boring as shit at my place.”

Isak generously didn’t ask Even why he didn’t ask any of his other friends to join him, and Even didn’t bother to say he didn’t really have many other friends.  Not ones he wanted to hang out and smoke with anyway.  

Isak shrugged, and nodded.

“Sure, why not?  Beats trying to play FIFA with just me.”

“Cool.  I’ll meet you outside after classes?”

 

The day dragged from there.  Classes were more pathetic than usual, as most of them were covering things he’d already learned last year before everything went to hell.  Even had already had his only class with Irene for the day, and no-one else was particularly interested in talking with him.  Even was bored, and restless.  He was itching to get outside and see Isak again.  Talking with Isak was fast becoming one of his favourite parts of the school day, and being able to extend that beyond school hours made Even unaccountably happy.

Occasionally, Even felt guilty for being so excited about spending time with this one new person.  He knew that Sonja would never believe him if he tried to tell her he was just happy to have met a new friend.  That was part of it, sure.  Even was still delighted that Isak knew him as just Even, but there was more to it.  Even had known for several years -- and Sonja had known too -- that he was interested in boys as well as girls.  They were open and honest with each other, but it had never been a thing before.  Because, Even admitted to himself, never before had anyone other than Sonja attracted him both mentally and physically before Isak.  And never before had his relationship been rocky enough that he was starting to yearn to be out of it.  It was a dangerous combination, and one he should be very wary of exploring further.

That didn’t stop the haste in his steps as he made his way to the front of the school after his last class was finally over, though.  Isak was lounging against the wall with his phone out.  His brows were pulled down, but as Even approached, he let out a bark of laughter before shoving the phone in his back pocket.  Isak looked up then, and his face split into a wide grin when he caught sight of Even.  Even couldn’t have stopped his answering grin if he’d tried.

“You ready to go?” he asked as he got near.

“I was here first, asshole.”

Even inclined his head in acknowledgement, but still grinned slyly.  “You were that eager to see me, then?”

“Oh, fuck you.”  But Isak was blushing and wouldn’t quite meet Even’s eyes.  He felt a rush of pleasure that Isak didn’t actually deny it.

“I’m just that much better than solo FIFA, huh?”

“Something like that.”

Isak looked at him from under his eyelashes again, and Even found himself a little breathless.  Who the fuck did that, anyway?  It was such a damn cliche, and yet Isak seemed so natural and innocent when he did it that it went straight to Even’s head in the most dizzying way.  Which, fuck Isak to be honest.  These feelings he was causing were very dangerous to Even’s carefully regulated world.  Or the world his family and friends had carefully regulated for him.  The world he simultaneously clung to because it was safe and kept him feeling secure, and tried to reject because it was cloying and restrictive.  The world that he was really close to saying ‘fuck you’ to if Isak kept looking at him like that.

“Okay, enough chit chat, let’s go.”

Even strode off, confident that Isak would follow.  He didn’t even glance back, didn’t have to because he soon heard the thump of Isak’s shoes as he ran to catch up.

They walked in silence for a while, and Even found himself revelling in being with someone who didn’t need to talk all the time.  Isak didn’t feel the need to fill in every silence, and it was nice.  Neither did it feel uncomfortable.  There was an ease to the way they settled together that made Even feel lighter and happier than he had for a long time.  Eventually, however, Isak broke the silence.

“So if you’re repeating, you must be older then?”

“Mhmmhmm,” Even nodded, unsure where Isak was going with this.

“So I could bribe you into buying me beers sometime?”

“Beers?  Beers, Isak?  Is that all I am to you?  A beer source?”

“Yeah.  Didn’t I tell you?  Well, that and the weed you promised.”

Even laughed.  “You’re a dick.  Good thing I like dicks, huh?”  

As Isak flushed, Even realised what he’d said and how it could be construed.  And, oh God, did he really say that to Isak of all people?  So he laughed again, and nudged Isak’s shoulder with his own.  Isak glanced up at him again, his cheeks still bright red, but with a softer smile on his face, and a new light in his eyes, which … _oh_.  Well.  Maybe it hadn’t been such a terrible thing to say after all.  Even smiled at Isak and enjoyed seeing the red in his cheeks deepen.  They walked a little more in silence before they turned onto his street.

“It’s just up here,” Even said, thankfully, as his home came into sight.  “The one with the blue door.  Race you?”

Without waiting to hear Isak’s response, Even took off, running the few metres with ease before spinning around to see Isak half-heartedly shuffling towards him.

“Fuck you, Even.  That wasn’t fair.  I’d totally beat you in a fair race.”

“Is that a promise?”

“What?  That I’ll race you again?  Not on your life.  Running sucks.”

“Ah.  So you’re scared.”

At Isak’s affronted expression, Even laughed, and pushed open the door.  As expected, there was no-one home.  After they kicked off their shoes and dumped their jackets, Even showed Isak through the house and into his room.  Isak then perched himself on the windowsill while Even searched for his stash.  While he hunted, Even kept an eye on Isak who was staring around with interest.  When Even had found what he was looking for and pulled himself up onto the other end of the window, Isak nodded in the direction of his closet.

“Did you do those?” he asked, referring to the pictures Even had pasted onto the door.

“Yeah.  Bit of fun when I’m bored.”

“They’re good.  Really funny.”

Isak sounded so sincere when he said it that Even felt a flush of heated delight rushing through him.  He was always wary of people seeing his pictures because as silly as they were, they felt like some part of him was being exposed.  That Isak liked them felt good, and he grinned.

“Thanks.  So, tell me … what music do you like?”

Even handed the smoke to Isak and watched as he thought about it.  It was endearing the way Isak weighed his words like this.  Music was obviously important to him and he wasn’t about to throw out any old thing.  In the end, he said he liked ‘90s hip hop and Even smiled again.

“So you know Nas?”

“Nas?  I … yeah.  Yeah I know it.”

Isak’s eyes flickered downward when he spoke, and his body had tensed.  Even laughed, letting his fond disbelief trickle into his expression as Isak quickly looked up at him.

“Wow, you really are a terrible liar.”

“What?  No.  I really have.”  Isak’s voice was firmer, but he still looked awkward in a way he hadn’t mere moments before.  It was blindingly obvious that he had no idea who Even was talking about.

Even just shook his head, deciding not to be too much of a prick by calling him on it any further.  “We’ll listen later,” he said instead, earning another of those looks from under Isak’s lashes and Even melted yet again, his breath catching in his throat.  He was so _fucked_.

“This is nice,” Isak said, laying his head back against the wall.  “It’s nice not to worry about anything, and just be.”

“I feel that,” Even said.  “That’s why I like smoking.  You can lose yourself in it, be free for a bit.”

Isak nodded as he took the joint Even passed to him.  “No responsibility for once.”

He looked serious for a moment as he looked out of the window, and Even took the opportunity to look at Isak more carefully.  He now looked more relaxed than usual, with his back slouched against the wall and an easy smile playing over his lips.  The lines of tension that so often marred his forehead were absent, and his legs were relaxed. _Isak_ was relaxed, and Even was thrilled that Isak felt this way in his presence.  He smiled to himself.  Isak looked over to him and caught the smile.  The shy smile he gave in return made Even’s own smile increase and he held the glance as long as he could before Isak dropped his eyes again.

“Speaking of responsibility,” Even said jumping down from the windowsill, “I should feed you.  What sort of host starves his guests?”

“A terrible one,” Isak said, hopping down too.  “You’re clearly very bad at this.”

“I am appalled.  Here I share my hard earned weed with you and you insult my hosting skills.”

Isak rolled his eyes at Even.  “You yourself said you were bad.”

“Oh no.  No I didn’t, because I’m about to feed you the most delectable morsels known to man.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.  Cheese toasties.”

Isak barked out a startled laugh.  “Gourmet food.”

“Of course.  Only the finest for you.”

Even led the way into the kitchen, and began rummaging through the cupboards for what he needed to make the toasties.  Isak perched on the counter next to to the oven, and snarked at Even the whole time he was preparing the food.

“You know if you keep insulting me like this, I’m going to have to eat all of this myself.”

“But then you’d be a bad host, and you know you don’t want that.”

Even shot him a grin.  “I’d be fine with that actually, since you’re so mean.  That’s not being a good guest, you know.”

“What?  I am the best guest.  Just look at how quiet and out of the way I am.  You don’t even know I’m here.”

Isak dissolved into laughter as he tried to keep a straight face, his eyes glowing with suppressed joy as he did so.

“Maybe not a great guest, but definitely still a dick,” Even commented as he put the food into the oven.

Isak’s face split into a pleased smile, as he clearly remembered what Even had added last time he’d said those words.  Even winked at him, trying to let him know that while it had been a mistake when he’d said it, he did actually mean it.  Isak’s slight blush suggested he picked up the insinuation.  There was a question in his eyes: ‘yes but do you like _me_ ?’ and Even tried to make his eyes say back, ‘yeah, I really do.’  He thought Isak got it.  He _hoped_ Isak got it.  He held Isak’s eyes for another long moment, and he’d almost got the courage up to say something when the doorbell rang.

Fuck.

Sonja and Mikael.

“Shit,” he exclaimed, and Isak’s face creased in confusion.  “Some friends are coming over, and I’d forgotten,” Even added by way of explanation as he flicked the oven off.  “You should stay, though.  This was fun.”

Isak smiled, agreeing, but there was a new wariness in his eyes that Even didn’t like.  He let Sonja and Mikael in, and introduced them to Isak.  

It was with a degree of sadness and nervousness that he said Sonja was his girlfriend.  The immediate stiffness in Isak’s body, and the forced smile he gave them all made Even’s heart twist.  He wanted to hug him and comfort him, let him know he hadn’t misunderstood the situation, but with Sonja right there he could do nothing.

She was looking at Isak with suspicion, and even Mikael looked surprised to see someone new there.  He was looking between them with dawning recognition, and Even frowned at him.

“Hey,” Mikael said to Isak, holding his hand out.  “How’re you doing?”

“Good.  I’m … uh, good,” Isak replied, taking the hand but looking anything but at ease.  As soon as he dropped the hand he crossed his arms, tucked his hands in under his elbows, and there was a taut tension in the lines of his body that bothered Even.  The comparison with his body language just a few short minutes ago was maddening.

“How do you know this loser?” Mikael asked, casting a grin at Even, and Even silently blessed him.  Sonja was still quiet and looking at Isak with a caution that didn’t bode well.

Isak gave a small smile before saying, “he barged into my table at school and just sat down.”

“Hey, I was saving you from a lifetime of lonely studying.  You should thank me.”

Isak actually snorted at that and relaxed slightly.  ‘Yeah, right.”

He looked around at the others and obviously gathered himself together.  “Hey, Even, this was good, but I should be getting home.  My mama … she needs a bit of help and I should … I should go.”

“Don’t let us chase you out.”  Sonja spoke up for the first time, and she was smiling.

“No.  It’s … I really do need to go.  But thanks for this, Even.  It was good to be out of the house for a bit.”

Even took him and showed him the way out, and took the opportunity to touch Isak’s arm as he left.  “Hey.  This really was great,” he said, trying to let Isak know with his eyes that he had been sincere earlier.  “Maybe we could meet for lunch on Monday?”

Isak took a deep breath, and Even could see him steeling himself for this.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Even.”

The naked hurt that flashed onto his face for a moment took Even’s breath again, and it was enough for Even to fail to formulate any response before Isak had slipped out the door and gone on his way.

Even slowly made his way back to the others, knowing this wasn’t going to go well.

“What the fuck are you doing, Even?”  Mikael rounded on him as soon as he got back to the bedroom.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You were practically making out with him with your eyes.”  Sonja this time, and she was angry.

“I was not!”

He was too, and shit he was fucked right now if it was this obvious to other people.  

“Whatever you want to call it.”  Sonja’s voice was wobbling now and Even felt a stab of guilt.  It was enough to make him defensive.

“Look.  He doesn’t know about me, okay, and he’s the only one who treats me like a real person.  So sue me if I wanted to make a friend who saw past all that.”

“He’s not seeing past it, though, is he?  He isn’t seeing it at all.”

“Well, excuse me for wanting to be treated like a human being.”

“Even,” Sonja said in an infuriatingly kind tone.  “He’s not a real friend if you can’t tell him something that important.”

“I’m going to tell him.  Just … I want to wait til he knows me first.”  Even shrugged, trying to convey the idea that it didn’t matter to him, that Isak thinking well of him wasn’t vitally important.  “Now what say we grab some beer and find something to do?”  He caught Sonja’s disapproving look, and added, “I’ll only have one.”

Sonja didn’t look satisfied with his answer, but she looked less suspicious of Even’s motives around Isak.  If Mikael was slower to stop the considering glances, well Even guessed he couldn’t blame him.  Mikael knew how Even was feeling about Sonja’s constant monitoring, and he knew how Even felt about boys.  It made sense that he might be a little more suspicious than Sonja who had, after all, never known Even to actually act on any attractions he might feel towards anybody but her, and who seemed unwilling to admit that their relationship wasn’t as rosy as it had once been.

By the time he had them both properly distracted with a movie, Even almost had himself convinced that Isak really was just a friend.  He’d shoved the attraction part as far back into his brain as he could.  That meant he could snuggle with Sonja as usual and laugh with his friends as usual.  That meant he could ignore what was happening for a little bit longer, particularly if Isak was going to stay away.  It was probably better that way. Even’s life was complicated enough as it was without adding anything else into it.  Particularly not something as volatile and threatening to the status quo as Isak Valtersen.


	3. Isak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for characters being ignorant, and in some cases offensive, about mental illness in this chapter.

****Isak was a complete _fool_ , a giant loser fool; that was all he could put it down to.  He’d been thinking about Friday night for the last two days and he still didn’t have any other satisfactory explanation.  Isak got hot flushes, and not the good kind, whenever he remembered Even’s face when he’d said, “and this is my girlfriend, Sonja.”  Shame coursed through Isak at his goddam _presumption_ before that, and burned through him at regular intervals, to the point that he often found himself squirming whenever that particular memory hit him again.

He’d thought Even was flirting with him?  Hah, what a joke.  Even had a girlfriend.  Even was straight.  Even was just a really friendly guy and Isak had read far too much into it.  He cursed himself.  What the fuck had he been thinking?  There was no way a freaking god like Even would have any sort of interest in someone like Isak.  Someone uncoordinated and stressed out all the time.  Someone fucked up and unloveable.  Even was just being nice, and Isak had read too much into it, like the fucking idiot he was.

Mirroring the first day here, Isak had to take several deep breaths before he pushed the doors open and walked into the school, and even so he felt tense, like he could feel every sinew rubbing against his too-tight skin.  He felt like it must be tattooed on his forehead: Isak Valtersen is a dickhead who misreads situations like a pro; Isak Valtersen is one of those sad guys who falls for the hot, kind but very very straight popular boy in school.  It was such a cliche that Isak cringed as he thought it.  Not that Even was _that_ popular, which Isak still couldn’t figure out.  He was so friendly and outgoing that it was unfathomable to Isak that other people didn’t want to hang around with him.  And yet … he was still mostly by himself whenever Isak saw him.

Which is what happened that morning.  Isak spotted Even across the hallway from his locker because his traitorous brain hadn’t yet got the message that _no, we don’t want to see him,_ and was still set on picking him out of any crowd.  He looked breathtaking as usual, but Isak wasn’t going to let himself dwell on _that_.  Isak forced his eyes away, but not before he noticed that Even had seen him and was starting to make his way towards him.

Isak panicked and tried to run, but there were too many people in his way and he made no headway at all.  He sighed and resigned himself to his fate, shuddering as a hand touched his arm, then fingers curled under his elbow.

“Isak.”  

Isak ignored him, and avoided his eyes.

“Isak, please.  Can we talk?”

Isak finally allowed himself the pleasure of looking up at Even, and instantly regretted it because Even looked so good, and also so goddam sincere.  His fucking perfect face was so close and he was so intense as he gazed down at Isak.  

“I don’t...”  Isak coughed, dragging his eyes away.  “I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

His cheeks were flaming.  People around them were starting to look interested, and Isak wanted to sink into the floor.  He thought it probably looked like a lover’s spat, and while he wasn’t averse to people here thinking he liked guys, Isak would really rather they thought about it in a context where he was happy and had someone to share the awkwardness with.  Not when it was like whatever the hell was going on here.

Even tugged his arm a little, pulling him out of the stream of people.

“I just want to be sure you’re okay,” he said.  “You left really quickly on Friday.  Something about your mother?”

Isak sagged against the wall of lockers, all fight gone out of him.  So he really _had_ been reading this wrong.  Even was just being the good guy, the concerned friend.  There was nothing else going on, and Isak needed to play along now because anything else would be too revealing, and there was no way he could have that.

“Yeah.  My mum, she’s ... “  He sighed.  “She’s not great right now.  I feel like …” Isak looked up at Even again, and saw that he was focused and sympathetic.  Isak took a deep breath.  “I feel like I have to look after her sometimes now my dad left.  It’s just hard.”

Even nodded, his mouth pulled in as if in concentration, and his eyes warm.  “That sounds shit,” he said.

Despite having known Even for such a short time, Isak felt like he could tell him what he was feeling, trust him with this information.  Or maybe it was _because_ he hadn’t known Even for long: none of the expectations that hung over Isak’s head at Nissen were relevant here and now.  He drew another breath, let it out, then spoke.

“Yeah, it can be.  I’d like to be able to just be seventeen sometimes, you know?  Not be the one who has to be responsible all the time.  I wish,” he took a deep breath before continuing, “I wish I didn’t have to live there.”

Isak could hear the defeat in his voice, the unspoken desire to be a normal kid with a normal life without the weight of responsibility that seemed to hang just over his head every day.  Even could apparently hear it too, because his response was unbearably kind and Isak could feel traitorous tears crowding in behind his eyelids.

“If you ever need somewhere to go, Isak, you can always come to my place.  I’m not … it’s not the same, but things aren’t always great for me either, and sometimes it’s nice just to be with someone who doesn’t know all the details.  You know?”

“Someone you can forget about it with?”  Isak asked, forcing the tears back, and finally allowing himself to relax into a smile.

“Yeah.  Exactly.  You don’t need to tell me anything, but we can hang whenever you need, okay?”

“Okay,” Isak whispered, overcome with gratitude that someone _understood_.  That what he needed -- time and space away from the whole thing -- was understood.  It was a wonderful feeling.

The bell rang then, and Isak swore.  “Jesus fuck.  I’m going to be late.”

Even laughed.  “It’s not that big a deal; they won’t expel you for one late lesson.”

“Fuck you,” Isak said as he flung open his lockers, grabbed his books and took off running.  The sound of Even’s laughter echoed behind him and Isak felt stronger knowing he was there.  Which … fucking hell, he admonished himself.  Where’s your goddam sense of self-preservation?  What happened to ‘I don’t want to see him?’  

Isak had no answer for himself, and he was still pondering the question as he slid into his seat, breathing hard and trying to pretend he’d been there all along.  The look the teacher gave him showed she was unimpressed with the late interruption, and Isak sighed.  He wasn’t getting off to a great start at his new school.

Beside him, the guy he’d been assigned as a ‘buddy’ (as if he was in preschool again and needed his hand held) cleared his throat.

“I hear … uh, that you hang out with that Even in third year.”

Isak was puzzled.  The guy (Karl?  Kristian? Some K name Isak couldn’t remember) was acting as if this was some sort of scandalous thing to do.

He shrugged.  “I guess so.  Sometimes.”

“You know he lost his shit last year, right?  That’s why he’s repeating.  He’s a total basket case.”

“A basket case?  What does that even mean?”

“I mean he lost it, totally had a meltdown or something.  Started ranting about Islam in the middle of the day and screamed when anyone tried to get close to him.  Like actual screams.  It was wild.  There’s video of it if you want to see ...”

Isak shuddered at the idea of invading Even’s privacy that badly after what he’d said this morning.  “No, thank you,” he said firmly.  “I don’t think I need to see that.  And what you described doesn’t sound wild.  It sounds awful.”

“Oh, it was.”  The guy’s voice was all delighted horror as he explained, and Isak could feel a grimace twisting onto his face.  “The whole school is scared of him now,” the guy continued.  “Who knows what weird crap he’s going to pull next.  Rumours at the time said he tried to kill someone, too.”

Isak made a noncommittal mhmm sound while he processed this information.  This was probably what Even was referring to when he said he had stuff he didn’t want to talk about, and Isak felt his heart break just a little as he thought about Even alone at this school dealing with these rumours with no friends around him because they’d all have left.  He had a sudden thought.

“Wait.  Why do you guys care?  Wasn’t he in a different year last year?”

“Yeah.  But you know what they say - crazy is contagious, and no-one wants to risk it.  And no-one wants to die, you know?  You want to fit in here, you need to keep away from that dude.”

Isak privately thought this guy was full of shit.  In no universe was Even murderous, and the idea of him actually screaming seemed far fetched.  Even was keeping something to himself, Isak knew that, but he didn’t think _this_ sounded quite right.  Either way, there was no way school gossip was going to dictate to Isak who he should hang out with.  The tiny part of him that said, ‘and what would you be thinking right now if you didn’t think he was really hot?’ was squashed immediately because Isak didn’t want to examine it and figure out what that might imply about Isak.

Instead, he turned to look at the guy, and said, “you know what?  I’m going to keep hanging out with him until I see for myself something that makes him seem dangerous.”

The guy gaped at him.  “But, he’s …”

“A perfectly nice guy who’s the subject of gossip that may not even be true, so why would I stop hanging around him?”

“Fine, commit social suicide if you really want.  I don’t care.”

Isak felt a strong burst of fury as he looked at the other guy’s gleeful expression.  He seemed delighted, almost excited, to speculate about something he had no idea about and which could really hurt the person he was talking about.  It could really hurt _Even_ , and actually probably already had.  The very idea that someone could enjoy someone else’s pain made Isak see red, and he spat out, “honestly, if social suicide involves not listening to some asshole talk shit about someone else’s mental state behind their back, then I think social suicide sounds pretty fun.”

The guy gave him one long, incredulous look, then turned away and ostentatiously started talking to the people at the table next to theirs.  Isak shrugged and pulled his books out.  More time to himself meant more time to study, and Isak didn’t have a problem with that.  Not for something like this.

  


That afternoon, Isak came home to a mother who was beaming and had baked cookies for him.  It was disorientating.

“Hi, Mum.  How are you?” he asked while he grabbed a couple of the cookies.

“Great.  The Lord is with us today, Isak.  We are blessed.”

“Yeah, we are,” he said, smiling at her.  “Do you mind if I go do some study?  I want to keep my grades up this year.”

His mother’s smile widened even further.  “Of course you can.  Your studies are important to the Lord, son.”

“Thanks, Mum.” he said, kissing her on the cheek as he left the room.

His resentment towards the father who’d left him with his unpredictable mother was still simmering, but on days like today, Isak could pretend that he had the family he’d always dreamed of.  The one he’d thought he’d had when he was younger.  Today, he could pretend that he didn’t need to look after her far too often.  Today, he could pretend that he was a normal teenager with a normal mother who loved and cared for him.  Today, Isak didn’t want to remember that his mother was too often a very different person from the one he had seen just now.  Today, his home was good and Isak was going to enjoy it.

 

Isak’s mother’s good mood lasted until Wednesday and Isak found himself sleeping better during those days than he had for a while.  His outlook improved, and Isak was actually smiling when he arrived at school.  True, since his conversation on Monday he’d found people even more reluctant to talk to him than they had already been, but Isak didn’t care.  He’d managed to catch up with Jonas and Jonas’s new friends after school on Tuesday and he felt like that was enough friendship for him.  School could be separate, set aside in his brain in a box marked ‘work’.  Home and Jonas’s -- those were the places for friendship.

Well, those and Even.  While Isak hadn’t seen Even properly since Monday, he had seen him around and every time their eyes met Even raised his brows or smiled.  Isak had lived for those moments even though he reminded himself that he really shouldn’t.  Because of Sonja and all that she represented, because he couldn’t control the small burst of pleasure that exploded in his chest whenever they shared a moment.  By lunchtime, however, he was craving conversation and so when Even appeared next to his table, Isak kicked the chair out and indicated with his head that Even should sit.

“No balls food today, I see,” Even remarked by way of opening, and Isak rolled his eyes.

“I’m perfectly capable of making food, Even.”

“As am I.  Look.”  Even tipped his food towards Isak so he could see the sandwich sitting there.

“Really impressive, Even.”

“I know.  Just like everything I do.”  

Even’s smile was so goddam contagious, Isak swore; it lit up his face with a brightness that was infectious.  Isak dared anyone to look at that smile and not end up smiling along with him  He certainly couldn’t help the smile that crept onto his own face in response.

“Mine’s better anyway,” Isak said, smirking at him.  “Look, it even has healthy stuff in it.”

Even looked over at the sandwich Isak was showing him; it was much more expertly prepared and appetising than his own.  He grinned, glancing over at Isak before sitting back in his seat.  “There’s no way you made that; you must be cheating somehow.”  

Isak laughed.  “You got me.  My mum made it -- and she even put some cookies in my lunch.”

He held them out to Even, who snagged one, before asking, “things better with her, then?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, it’s been good this week.  But every day I wonder if it’s going to be today that it all goes shit again.  It’s good, but … but I know it won’t last.”

Isak glanced over at Even and saw his jaw was clenched.  He raised his eyebrow at him in query, and Even shook himself and smiled.  The smile was slightly askew on his face, but it looked genuine.

“I’m serious, you know.  You can come to see me anytime you want.  You know that?”

“I know.  Thanks, Even.”

Isak smiled at him, and the warmth in Even’s eyes made Isak blink back tears that suddenly threatened.  This wasn’t what he wanted it to be, he had to remind himself.  This was a guy who was going through something himself offering support to another guy.  Nothing more, so there was no point in Isak getting his hopes up.

Their conversation drifted onto less emotional topics, and Isak soon found himself laughing.

“You’re completely insufferable,” he said.  “Do you ever tell the truth?”

“Yeah.  When it matters,” Even said with a small quirk of his mouth.  He looked determined, which Isak thought was strange for the sort of light and silly conversation they’d just been having.  “Making jokes is more fun, though, right?”

“Only if they’re funny.”

“Lucky for you, mine are really funny then.”

“In your dreams,” Isak laughed.  “The only jokes stupider than yours are Magnus’s, and that’s really saying something.”

“I think you’re just jealous -- of the talents me and this Magnus possess.”

Isak rolled his eyes just as the bell rang, and Even grinned at him.  “Better get to class so you don’t get expelled, Isak.”

“You’re such an asshole, you know that?”

But he was grinning, and the happy feeling that flooded through him whenever he was with Even lasted for the rest of the day.

  


Isak had agreed to meet up with Jonas and his mates on Thursday after school, but they got out later than he did and he was sitting idly near Nissen scrolling through his phone, bored out of his mind.  The problem was, there was no activity on any of his feeds, and Isak was slowly losing patience.

“Where the hell are you, Jonas?” he muttered under his breath.

“Right beside you, asshole.”

“Fuck!  Jonas, don’t scare me like that.”

“I wouldn’t be able to scare you if you weren’t married to your phone.”

Isak rolled his eyes again.  “Like you’re any better.  You were always tied to it when you were with Eva.”

“Oh, so there _is_ a girl,” Jonas said with a knowing smirk.  “Is it that Emma?”

“God, how many times do I have to say no?  I was just fucking bored waiting for your lazy ass.”

“You seeing Emma again, though?”

“Nah.  She’s got a bit of a psycho vibe.”

“Hot though.”

“Yeah, pretty hot.”

They walked off in the direction of Jonas’s house once the other boys had met up with them.  Isak had originally been wary of the new additions to the friendship, but Magnus and Mahdi were cool, and it was a relief to be with people who genuinely just wanted to have a good time rather than those who cast suspicious glances at him all the time.

By the time they were settled in with FIFA and some food, Isak had forgotten all the stresses of his school.

“Oh, hey.  Isak!  I forgot to say,” Jonas said while they watched Magnus and Mahdi fight it out on screen, “there’s another party at Eva’s this Friday.  She wants to know if you’ll come.”

“Yeah.  Yeah, of course.  I miss hanging out with you guys.”

“You should bring some friends.  We want to know these cool guys you’re hanging out with at Bakka.  See if they’re as pretentious as you say.”

Isak froze.  He had, admittedly, been exaggerating the numbers of friends he’d made at school, and he wasn’t sure how to broach that.  He compromised.

“I’ll see if they want to.  Tomorrow’s pretty soon so they may be busy, but I can ask.”

“Do it,” Magnus said, laughing as he lost another game to Mahdi.  “They can’t be as cool as us, so you’ll get cred with them for being seen with us.”

“In your dreams, Magnus,” Isak said.  “Everyone’s cooler than you.”

“That hurts, Isak.  I’m wounded,” he said as he threw the controller on the ground and got up to go get drinks.  “Your turn, bro.  I’d like to see you beat that guy.”  He nodded towards Mahdi, who was grinning.

“No-one can beat me, Magnus,” Mahdi said.  “This game was made for me.”  He smirked up at Isak.  “You really want to try?  Be a bit embarrassing when I smash your ass.”

“You’re on,” said Isak, his competitive streak coming out.  “I’m the king of this game.”

Soon he was lost in the desire to be the best, and when he finally emerged victorious against Mahdi, and then Jonas, he crowed.  Life was pretty good right now, Isak thought.  He had these friends who felt like they’d been with him forever, and he had Even who gave him a different kind of friendship -- one based on understanding and mutual need.  Who needed friends at school when you had a group like this around you the rest of the time?

On his way home, before he could think better of it, Isak texted Even and told him about the party.  He said Jonas was keen to meet his Bakka friends, and that Even should come if he wanted.  Then Isak shoved his phone in his pocket and resolutely ignored it so he didn’t have to see if Even agreed or not.  Because he was a coward and didn’t want to admit to the tiny stirring of hope that still remained in his chest.

  


It was okay, as far as parties went, Isak supposed.  There was beer, which had been somewhat in question earlier in the day when Jonas had a crisis of confidence that he’d be able to secure any.  There was (or rather had been) weed, which was even better than beer and which had made Isak’s head pleasantly buzzed.  The downside was that they were now out and the buzz was wearing off.  But still.  The party was okay.  The music was maybe a tiny bit too loud, the dancing just a little bit too cringey.  But it was okay.

Actually, if Isak examined his feelings properly, he’d probably find that he was bored so it was a good thing that he was _definitely not_ analysing anything right now.  That girl, Emma, was making eyes at him from across the room and he was tired of pretending to give a shit about her.  Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus had come and gone -- too busy stalking conquests to stay in one place with one morose friend.  Not that Isak considered himself morose, but that’s what Mahdi had called him when he’d finally thrown his hands up and left Isak alone.  So here Isak was, not ‘moping in a corner’, thank you very much, Mahdi.  Just observing, and listening and having a good time, okay?  It was a perfectly decent, good night.

There was a commotion at the door, and Isak looked up.  It didn’t take much to pull his wandering attention, but fuck!  Isak wished he’d allowed his attention to wander just a little longer.  Because there was Even and his goddam girlfriend in the doorway; the perfect couple, glowing and smiling and being beautiful together.

Isak looked on as they were greeted by Eva and Vilde, but was still startled when Even looked over at him and straight into his eyes.  He smiled, raising his eyebrows and Isak found his insides combusting.  That just wasn’t _fair_ , he thought to himself.  Even must know, surely, the effect he had on Isak, and all this _looking_ and _smiling_ just wasn’t playing fair at all.  In fact, it was playing downright dirty.

Then, to top it all off and make things even worse, Even whispered something in Sonja’s ear and started making his way towards Isak.  He wondered if he could actually make an escape this time, but figured it might be just a little bit too obvious.  So instead, Isak gave Even a tight-lipped smile and a nod in greeting.  Even grinned at him, and plopped himself down on the couch next to Isak.  Isak tensed.  It was rare that they’d actually been this close, almost touching, and Isak knew he had to preserve his own dignity somehow by not letting himself give in to the urge to relax and feel the press of his leg against Even’s.  Because Even was taken, and straight, and Isak had to let go of all the stupid fantasies and learn to enjoy Even’s friendship in all of its platonic glory.

“You look sullen as hell,” Even remarked conversationally when Isak hadn’t spoken after a few seconds.

“I what?  Sullen?  I’m the opposite of sullen.”

Even laughed.  “Relax, Isak.  It’s not a bad thing.  Just a bit sad at a party.”

Isak groaned internally.  He couldn’t allow himself to relax.  Relaxing would make things very problematic for him right now, but of course Even was oblivious to that.

“It’s okay.  I’m just out of beer and can’t be bothered moving to get more.”

“Oh, you poor thing.  That’s a huge tragedy.”

“Shut up, asshole.  Or make yourself useful and get me a beer.”

Surprisingly, Even bounced up and headed to the kitchen.  Isak blinked.  That was unexpected.  He’d thought Even would joke back at him and they’d toss insults back and forth for a bit before he went to see his girlfriend again.  It took Isak a few moments to get his head around what was happening, and by the time he’d processed it Even was back with two cans.

“Here you go,” Even said handing one to Isak.  "It's one I brought with me, don't worry," he said in response to Isak's raised brows.  His fingers brushed Isak’s as he passed it over.  Electricity thrilled through Isak and he risked a glance at Even, who was looking perfectly at ease as he slouched next to Isak.  His legs were stretched out and the length of them was distracting in the worst possible way.

To cover, Isak cracked open the can, raised it to Even, and said, “thanks. My shout next time.”

Even laughed, saluting back.  “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“Hey!  I’m awesome at paying my share.  When have I ever not paid my own way?”

“Okay, you got me there.  You just seem like the type who’d try to charm the pants off anyone and everyone to get what you want.”

“Well, I am charming, I can’t deny that.”

“Yeah, you really are.”

The tone of Even’s voice had changed, becoming low and almost caressing, and Isak shivered.  Even’s eyes softened, his expression becoming tender and his body leaning slightly towards Isak.  Isak’s heart began playing an erratic melody in his chest, squeezing and burning to an unheard song.  He gasped quietly, but quickly tried to shut his treacherous body down. _It’s nothing.  You’re imagining it.  He has a bloody girlfriend.  Don’t read into it_ , Isak frantically chastised himself.  But it was hard.  

Isak looked up and into Even’s eyes, and the look in them sure _looked_ like interest.  Even’s gaze was direct and warm.  If there had been no Sonja involved, no Sonja right here in this house, then Isak could easily have convinced himself that the brushing of fingers over his shoulder, and the press of a knee against his own was intentional.  He could have convinced himself that the intensity of that gaze meant something; that the tension thrumming through his body was replicated in Even’s.  Isak swallowed, and his eyes traced the lines of Even’s throat as he followed suit, then Isak’s gaze drifted to Even’s lips as his tongue flicked out and ran over his lower lip.  It was all Isak could do not to sigh in delighted admiration.  He wondered, guiltily, what those lips would feel like on his own.

Isak’s phone let out a loud chime, and he jumped, pulling his gaze from Even’s.  Then he reluctantly dragged the phone out of his pocket.

_Isak.  Where are you?  There are terrors in the house; they’re going to consume us all..  You must come and help me call the Lord’s help down to us._

Isak blanched.  This was his mother near her worst.  From experience, Isak knew she was about to get very very bad and need help.  He stammered out something, he barely knew what, and bolted for the back door.  His shoes were there, and he needed to get them and get out of here so he could get home before his mother got really bad.  His heart was hammering and his eyes couldn’t seem to focus.  Where were the shoes?  Where …?  What was next?  Oh right … shoes.  Where were the shoes?

Around and around his thoughts whirled, while panic clogged his throat.  But eventually he located the shoe piles and scrabbled in them to find his own.  Grabbing them, Isak slipped out the door and leaned back against the house for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts.  He texted Jonas.   _Sorry, I have to go home.  Mum_. before pushing off and starting to walk.  He hadn’t got more than a few metres down the road before he heard steps behind him.

“Isak.  Wait.  What happened?”

“Even.  I’m sorry.  It’s my mum; I have to go.  She needs … she needs ...”

Isak looked around, panic gripping him again.  His mother needed him, but his breath was coming in short bursts and he couldn’t see his way clearly to what he should do to get to her.  He couldn’t afford a moment before going to her, but he felt turned inside out and incapable of rational thought.  Even laid a hand on his arm, not trying to halt him, but asking him to stop for a moment.  Isak did, breathing heavily and feeling terrified.

“Take a breath, okay.  Wait a moment.”  Isak obeyed the voice, so calm and in control.  “Okay, good.  Now, do you think you could sit down for a bit before you go?  You’ll be no good to your mum if you’re this panicked.  So, just sit maybe, for a few moments, calm down some?  She’ll be okay for a few extra moments.  I promise.”

“Okay.  Okay, yeah.”  Isak nodded, slumping down gratefully onto the concrete fence Even guided him towards.

They sat in silence for a few moments before Even spoke again.  “I don’t claim to understand what’s happening, but honestly Isak.  You don’t need to be the adult here.”

“I feel like I do,” he whispered in response.  “What if I don’t go and something happens to her?  What if I don’t get there on time?”  The panic was creeping in again, making Isak’s skin tight and his breath short.

“It wouldn’t be your fault.  You know that?”

Numbly Isak nodded, but he didn’t really believe it.  Even seemed to understand because he slid an arm around Isak’s shoulder and squeezed gently.  Isak tensed initially, but the contact was so welcome that he felt himself curling into Even’s body a little, trying to gain some strength or support.  One of Even’s hands was rubbing gently on Isak’s shoulder, and he leaned into Even’s warmth for several long moments.  Isak felt much calmer as their heartbeats settled into a rhythm together and he was able to relax.  At least, he was able to relax until he noticed that he was feeling trails of heat on his shoulder, radiating out from Even’s fingertips, and which had nothing to do with comfort.  Isak tried to pull away, but Even only tightened his grip.

Isak turned his head a little, intending to ask Even what he was doing, but when he did he realised that they were very close.  While Isak had been thinking, Even had moved closer so that when Isak turned his head their lips were millimetres away from each other.  Isak felt his breath hitch as his eyes flickered from Even’s lips to his eyes and back again.  Even’s arm had dropped to Isak’s waist and he squeezed it slightly as if asking a question.  In answer, Isak leaned in closer until their lips were almost brushing, and he could taste the beer on Even’s breath.  He sighed, and heard an answering sigh from Even.

The sudden clatter of noise in the distance burst into Isak’s conscious, dragging him out of the moment and away from Even.  Voices, pounding footsteps, a burst of music as a door opened.  Isak realised how exposed they were and jumped back.  At the same time, Even moved his arm so they were sitting next to each other but not touching, and they both turned towards the sounds.

Isak felt the loss of the touch almost as keenly as he felt the lost opportunity to feel Even’s lips on his.  His heart was beating too fast, and his hands were trembling a little.  He glanced down at Even’s and was gratified to notice that his hands seemed to be unsteady too.  Even pulled out a cigarette and lit it, offering it to Isak just as the source of the commotion arrived.

“Isak, bro.  What do you mean?  What’s up with your mum?  We were coming to see if we could help.”  Jonas was panting.  “You looked so freaked when you left.”

The boys looked between Even and Isak in confusion, obviously wondering why he wasn’t with his mother already.  Isak shuddered, remembering why he’d stopped here in the first place.  Even saved him once again.

“I made him stop for a moment.  He wasn’t in any state to see her.  But you’re okay, now, right?” he asked turning to Isak with a small smile.

“Y-yeah, I think so,” Isak said, taking a long shaky breath.  Shaky because of Even and not the situation with his mother, but the boys didn’t seem to notice anything amiss.

“Can we do anything?”

“Nah, I don’t think so, Mahdi.  I just need to go sit with her I think.  If I need anything I’ll call Dad.  He’s the one who should be there anyway.”

Jonas still looked concerned, but Magnus and Mahdi nodded as if satisfied.

“I’m going to … go, now.  But thanks guys, seriously.  Even, thanks for calming me down.  I appreciate it.”

Isak tried to put all his pent up feelings into the words, and he hoped Even understood what he was saying.  He was confused about what was going on, but he wasn’t confused at all about his feelings now.  And it seemed like Even felt the same way.  Though there was the vexed knowledge of the fact that Even still had a girlfriend, which was enough to make Isak wary of making assumptions even now.

Still, as he made his way home to his mother, Isak allowed himself a small smile.  Even if they’d been interrupted, there had been clear intent there.  They had been going to kiss.   _Kiss_.  The memory of it warmed Isak through the very long night of trying to reassure his mother that everything at home was fine and they didn’t need to barricade the house, and it sustained him through the whole weekend as she deteriorated further and his father put in only occasional appearances.  The memory of Even’s breath mingling with his own sent thrills through Isak and he could feel his heart clench every time he allowed himself to dwell on the feeling of Even’s hand on his waist.

Despite the stresses and the difficulty in dealing with his mother that weekend, Isak couldn’t bring himself to care.  Normally, he’d stew in his resentment, but this weekend, Isak was feeling on top of the world and nothing could disrupt his happiness.  Because he and Even had almost kissed, and that thought meant everything.


	4. Even

Giddiness, Even thought, was underrated.  There was a huge dearth of giddiness-positivity in all aspects of life.  It was a great word, and a great feeling, and Even was determined to use it as much as he could in future.  Because this feeling deserved recognition, dammit.  If he wasn’t feeling quite so giddy right now, he might consider researching it for a paper.  But as it was, he was too giddy to do anything other than smile like an idiot and stare into the distance remembering how he’d just managed to almost kiss Isak.  

At the start of this evening, Even hadn’t thought that anything could happen.  He’d been imagining a new friendship developing, a new bond forming.  He was drawn to Isak in a way he hadn’t been in a very long time, sure, but Isak had been distant and difficult to read.  Even had thought that there was no chance he could break through that prickly exterior to the real Isak sitting inside.  So the fact that he was now at a point where, if it hadn’t been for an unfortunate interruption, he would be living in a post-kiss world was quite exhilarating.  The possibilities were opening up in an endless visage of delight.  Isak had almost kissed him, and Even couldn’t be happier.

A pleased sigh slipped out before he could stop it, and Even felt a sharp prod in his ribs.

“You’re looking happy,” Sonja said, smiling up at him with bright eyes and a trusting light in her eyes.

And _fuck_.  Even had forgotten her for a few moments, which was just about the shittiest thing he could think of doing.  What was he thinking?  Was he letting this new infatuation get in the way of his oldest, and best, friendship?  In the way of his most stable and reliable relationship?

“Yeah.  It’s a good day,” he said, smiling back at her and trying to push the guilt aside.  

“It’s good to see you smile, Even.  You don’t do it nearly enough.”

He gave her another smile, this one feeling tight and unnatural on his face, before indicating with his head to the dance floor.

“You wanna dance?  I feel like this song is calling to us.”  

Even started dancing in front of her, holding his hand out.

“This song is a piece of shit and you know it.”  

Sonja was laughing, though, the way she always did when Even did something silly but harmless.

“And yet you love it,” he said, pulling her to him.

The fond look in her eyes hurt Even, because as much as he hated to admit it he knew they were growing apart.  Even thought (or maybe hoped) that she felt the same way, but there were times when he knew she probably didn’t.  He was the one feeling stifled by her attentions; she was sure she was doing the right thing by him, and probably had no idea how closed in he felt.  Days like today, when they could just be relaxed together, were fine.  But there were days when she monitored everything he did or said, and Even found himself dreading those times even when he was enjoying these good moments.  Isak’s comment about how he felt the weight of fear hanging over the good times circled in his mind, and Even closed his eyes in pained recognition of the feeling.

Even now, he knew he should say something to Sonja because if he wasn’t feeling it anymore it wasn’t really fair to her.  And yet … he was selfish and couldn’t give up the look in her eyes.  Not when he was so unsure of everything else in his life.  When Isak was the only person at school who didn’t see him as a ‘crazy’ failure, and who was clearly conflicted by (probably) mentally ill people in his life, Even couldn’t see how he could cut off one of the few people who knew him, knew the big scary things about him, and still cared about him.

Still, he felt like shit when he didn’t tell her what had happened with Isak.  He felt like shit because he’d left her alone for so long at the party.  He felt like shit, but somewhere under that still threaded a small thread of that giddiness, which made him feel guilty.  But, sadly, not guilty enough to push it away.  Not yet.  Not while everything with Isak was both shining chance and terrifying unpredictability.  Because, while there had been no doubt at all that something was about to happen, until Even knew for sure how Isak would feel about his illness, he really couldn’t see his way to alienating one of the only people who accepted him, as stifling as that acceptance could sometimes be.

So for the rest of the party, Even tried to push the giddiness away, and tried to focus on Sonja.  He spent the time tracing her features with his eyes, remembering their past moments, imagining future ones - all in an attempt to see if he really was coming to the end of his feelings for her, or if he was just confused by a pair of gorgeous eyes and a vulnerable, beaten down boy.  By the end of the night he hadn’t come to any final conclusion, but he had a good time and Sonja had been loving and caring, and maybe that was what he needed right now.  Maybe.  
  


 

By Monday, however, the itch to see Isak again was strong.  The memory of his lips, so close to Even’s own, had intruded through most of his weekend.  The light in Isak’s eyes as they turned from worry and fear to a wary delight had haunted his dreams, and Even needed to see Isak again to prove to himself that the whole thing hadn’t been some sort of fever dream caused by too much beer and too little sleep.

Before school, Isak was at his locker, as usual, and Even could feel his breath hitch in his throat as he watched.  Isak rummaged in the depths, his forehead furrowed in irritated concentration.  His hair wasn’t caught under any sort of hat today, and it was completely unfair what those curls did to Even’s self possession. Isak looked up at that moment and the smile that crept onto his face was breathtaking.  Literally.  Even felt his breath stutter for a moment as the soft, shy smile slowly bloomed on that face before Isak schooled it and gave him a friendly nod.

“Hey,” Even said as he approached, making sure to lean against the lockers just a little closer than was possibly appropriate for friendship.  

Isak noticed, a blush appearing high on his cheeks as he said, “hi” back.

“Is your mother okay?”

“Yeah.”  Isak looked down for a moment, frowning, before looking up at Even again.  “I mean, she’s not well, but she seems more settled now and I think my dad’s with her.  So.”

“That’s good.”  

Even was really annoyed at how goddam stilted this conversation was.  Far from being a fever dream, that almost kiss was obviously very real, and equally obviously neither of them knew how to act in the aftermath.  If only it would be considered socially appropriate to grab Isak and kiss him right here, Even was pretty sure that this whole thing would be resolved in an instant.  Unfortunately, they were at school and he was fairly sure Isak would not take kindly to such a public declaration of affection.  So, it was going to take a bit of subtlety.  And a whole lot of becoming comfortable together again.  Step one: arrange a time to meet.

“You want to meet up at lunch?”  

Banal, maybe, but a tried and true place and time.  Isak, however, squinted up at him with a confused look.

“I guess so.”

“Wow, Isak.  You really know how to make a guy feel special.”

Isak blushed, his cheeks a beautiful rosy red as he gaped at Even.

“I’m not …” he pulled on Even’s sleeve to get him as far from other people as he could, then lowered his voice.  “I’m not sure what’s happening here.”

Even’s grin melted into a fond smile as he gazed down at Isak’s earnest face and wide eyes..  “I’m not sure either.  But I want to find out.  Don’t you?”

“Sure.  I mean, yeah.  But, Even, you have a girlfriend, and Eskild said …”

“No, don’t worry,” Even said hastily, deciding in that moment that he couldn’t put it off any longer.  Not now that he was with Isak again, not now that he was hit by all the feelings Isak created in him.  In this moment, the right thing to do became blindingly obvious.  “I’m talking to her tonight.  Things aren’t … things haven’t been great with us lately, and I think it’s best if we become friends rather than … well, I don’t want to be her boyfriend anymore.”

“Eskild said guys don’t often leave girlfriends to be together.  He said …”

“Isak.  Listen.  I’m serious.  Sonja and I have been drifting apart but I don’t think either of us wanted to admit it.  Not until there was a reason.”

“And there’s a reason?”

Isak’s face was filled with so much shy hope as he looked up at Even that Even wanted to drag him into a kiss even more, just to prove it.  But he stopped himself, allowing just a very slight brush of fingers over Isak’s hand.

“There’s a reason,” he said softly.

The bell rang then, and Isak pulled away startled.  “Fuck it,” he yelled as he wrenched his locker open to get to his books.  “Why do I let you distract me like this?” he muttered, and Even wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear, but he chuckled anyway.

“I’m just that amazing,” he said as he turned in the direction of his own class.

The echo of Isak’s choked off laugh stayed with Even for the rest of the day.  They didn’t meet for lunch since he could see that Isak was still going to be unsure about it until Even had talked to Sonja.  Which was fair enough, Even supposed.  Isak’s hesitations gave Even the impetus he needed to definitely talk to Sonja, though he wasn’t looking forward to it, not when he suspected she was still more invested than he was.  He texted her, asking her to come meet him that evening.  He’d considered doing it by text, but honestly, Even felt that he owed her a real conversation and not the coward’s way out.  It was the least he could do after four years of devotion.

  
  


That evening, Sonja arrived with a face filled with wariness and vulnerability.  Even flinched.  She obviously knew something was up, and probably had some inkling of where this conversation was going.

“It’s that kid, isn’t it?” she said without preamble, and wow.  Even hadn’t expected her to be so blunt.  Not right away.

“No. Or, not just him,” Even added as he saw her open her mouth in disgusted anger.

“What do you mean not just him?  What else is it?”

“Sonja,” Even said, as kindly as he could.  Which wasn’t all that kind considering what he was saying.  “Sonja, you must have felt it too.  We’re not … it’s not the way it used to be.”

She looked up at him in confusion, hurt stamped all over her features.  “No, it’s not.  But that doesn’t mean that it’s not good.  Relationships change, Even.  You can’t expect it to always be the same.”

“No,” he said sadly.  “I don’t, though.  I just expect to be happy.”

She pulled back as if he’d slapped her, tears filling her eyes.  “You’re not happy?”  Her voice was so small and broken that Even wished he’d been a coward after all.  This was fucking awful, and she didn’t deserve it.  But she didn’t deserve to be lied to either.

“Sometimes I am.  But …” he swallowed and made himself look at her.  “Sometimes -- a lot of sometimes -- I’m not, and I’m sorry.  I didn’t want to hurt you.  So I kept thinking maybe it’ll get better, but it hasn’t.”

“But why?  Why now?”

Even pulled his eyes away from hers.  “You know why.”

“Okay,” she said with a heavy sigh.  “I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.  But I’ll give you this advice for free.  Even, you have to be honest with him.  Does he know yet?”

Even found himself flushing, and couldn’t bring himself to look at her as he whispered, “no.”

“You can’t do this.  He has to know; you have to tell him.”

“I know.  I will.”

She brushed her hand over his hair sadly as she stood up.  “You’re a fool, Even.  But a good fool.  Just, do the right thing.  Soon.”

“You’re not mad?”

“No, I’m not mad.” She sighed.  “I think I did know it was coming, I just didn’t want to say it.  That doesn’t mean I’m not hurt as hell, but I’ll get over it.  Right now, though, I don’t want to be here, so I’m going to leave.”

“Sonja?” Even called as she made her way to the door.  She looked back at him, her brows raised in question.  “Can we still be friends?  You’re one of my best friends, you know …”

“I don’t know, Even.  I need some time.”

“Okay,” he whispered to the door as it shut behind her.  He watched one of the few people who knew absolutely everything about him disappear out of his life, at least for the time being, and he wondered if he’d done the right thing.

He called Mikael immediately, and was thankful when he didn’t ask questions, just turned up at Even’s place half an hour later with beer and some video games.

“You okay, bro?”

Even nodded, swallowing back the sadness that had taken up residence in his throat, and trying to smile.

Mikael nodded.  “Okay, chill.”

They played stupid games in silence for a while, Mikael letting Even set the pace of any conversation.  That had always been the best thing about Mikael.  He’d never needed to fill a room with talk when silence would do just as well.  It was comforting to know Even could talk if he needed to, but that if what he wanted was silence, then that was chill too.

“She was sad,” he said finally.  “But I had to do it.”

“Yeah,” Mikael agreed.  “She’ll be okay.  She’s tough, Sonja.”

“I know,” Even said, but his heart was lighter.  That was what he’d needed to hear.  He needed to know he hadn’t broken her forever.

“Come on, buddy, you need to shoot something,” Mikael said as he changed the game, and soon all thoughts of Even’s sadness and the emptiness he couldn’t help but feel were lost in the familiar rhythms of having his ass handed to him by his best friend.

  
  


The worry that he hadn’t done the right thing stayed with Even until he saw Isak again a few days later.  It had gnawed at him, the thought that he might have thrown away his chance at stability and understanding (even if it was stultifying and oppressive) for a fleeting something that could be gone before it even started.  Something that could dissipate as soon as the dark parts of Even were exposed for Isak to see and to judge.

Then he saw Isak, and joy punched him in the gut.  That wasn’t a particularly romantic metaphor, Even thought ruefully, but it summed up what it felt like.  Being with Isak was so much; it was big and vivid and did feel like he was being thumped with all these new and amazing feelings.  Isak was sitting at his usual table at lunch and Even made his way over, hope fluttering in his chest.

“Hey,” he said as he slid into the chair next to Isak’s.

“Hey, yourself,” Isak said back, smiling a little as he put his phone away.

“I … uh, I told Sonja.  About you.  About not wanting to be together anymore.”

“And?”

“And she … well, she’s not happy.  But we aren’t together anymore.”

“Oh.”  Isak’s voice was all suppressed happiness and Even smiled.

“Is that all you have to say?  Oh?”

“God, I hate you,” Isak said through a grin he obviously couldn’t hold in.

“Shall I go, then?  Since you don’t want me around?”  Even felt like his smile must give him away to everyone around them.  He couldn’t help it; being around Isak made him feel so good he couldn’t keep it inside him.

“Don’t you dare,” Isak said fiercely, his eyes focused on Even’s, and his hand reaching out as if to stop him.  The look in those eyes was enough to pull the grin off Even’s face and made him lick his lips.  He forced himself to look away.  This was not the time or the place to do this.

To cover, Even coughed, and started a new line of conversation.  “So.  Uh … what’s for lunch today?”

Isak grinned, sitting back a little and looking far more relaxed than he had since that day at Even’s house.  “Today, I actually made my own food.  Are you impressed?”

“No way!  Let me see.”

Isak showed him a roll that had been ripped in half, with some cheese thrust in and a slice of meat hanging off the side.  He looked so proud that Even chuckled.

“It looks great.”

“You’re an asshole.  What do you have that’s better?”

“I have this masterpiece,” Even said, pulling out the sandwich he’d just bought at the cafeteria.

“And you tease me for buying balls food.  At least I made my own.”

They sat in silence for a while, eating, and Even soaked up Isak’s presence.  Isak was lost in the moment, staring into the distance with a small smile on his face and Even wanted nothing more than to watch him this way forever; he looked so peaceful and relaxed for once.  Soon, though, he felt the need for more talk.  He had to hear Isak’s voice again. 

“What’s your favourite movie?”

Isak’s eyes refocused quickly, and he squinted at Even with a confused look.

“Movie?”

“Yeah.  You know -- thing you watch for fun?”

“I don’t watch movies,” Isak said.  “They’re dumb, always the same plot with the same actors.”

“That sounds like you watch the wrong movies.  I need to educate you.”

“Educate me?  What if I don’t want to be educated?”

Even sat back, feigning shock.  Isak looked at him warily, as if wondering if he’d gone too far.  So Even allowed himself to smile the way he wanted to whenever Isak was around, allowed it to bleed into every corner of his expression.  He leaned forward conspiratorially.  

“Baz Luhrmann, the greatest filmmaker of our time.  You have to at least watch his movies.”

Even nodded solemnly, and as he’d hoped, it made Isak laugh, the sound ringing out joyously.

“Sounds like a pompous piece of shit.”

“Isak!  I’m saddened by this blatant rejection of some of the best masterpieces of cinema.  You have to watch one now to make it up to me.”

Isak laughed again.  “Okay, you idiot.  What do I have to watch?”

“Hmmmm.”  Even looked at him consideringly.  He thought  _ Strictly Ballroom _ would probably strike Isak as too predictable and childish,  _ Moulin Rouge _ was great but too sad … and basically that was true of all Luhrmann.  In which case, there was only one thing for it.  The one he liked the best, and fuck the fact that it ended in tragedy.  “ _ Romeo and Juliet _ .”

“What?  Even, no.  That sounds terrible.  Isn’t it all death and sadness?”

“No.  There’s more to it.  It’s romantic and beautiful.  You’ll watch with me?  Maybe this weekend?”

He watched as Isak’s cheeks reddened again and he smiled before looking down.  “Yeah, okay.”

“Cool.  Friday?  Come to mine?  My parents are away again that night.”

“Okay.”

  
  


The days dragged after that.  Friday was so far out of reach that Even wondered why he’d insisted on such a far distant time.  They hadn’t, either of them, referred to this as a date, but the knowledge that Even saw it as one sat behind everything he did.  He saw Isak around school but never to talk.  The shy glances Isak gave him, however, were more sexy than any forthright come-on he’d ever received from girls in nightclubs in the past, and Even couldn’t believe his luck that he was going to take Isak home soon and get to kiss him, for real this time.  Or at least, he hoped he’d get to kiss him for real.  The memory of Isak’s lips ghosting so close to Even’s own had tormented him for far too long.

On Friday itself, Even filled his time by buying snacks enough to feed an army, making sure his room was perfect -- everything tidy and cleaned, everything polished and smelling great.  He changed his sheets, despite not knowing if he’d get Isak up there, and blushed a little at the thought.  It had been a long time since he was shy of the idea of being with someone, but before Sonja there had only been one or two fumbling attempts in dark uncomfortable places.  So the idea of embarking on a relationship with someone new was both exhilarating and terrifying.  What if he was shit at it?  What if being with a boy was so different to being with a girl that he got it wrong?  What if …?

His rambling, slightly panicked, thoughts were interrupted by the doorbell.  Even jumped up, feeling the grin spreading across his face, and ran to the door.  He opened it to an Isak who was smiling, but clearly nervous.  His hands were shoved in his pockets, with his shoulders hunched over.  He was also bouncing on his heels as if he might run, and his eyes darted from spot to spot.

“Hey,” he whispered, glancing up at Even and blushing a deep crimson when their eyes met.

“Hi,” Even said, grabbing his arm and pulling him inside.  “I have it all set up.  Almost.”

He led Isak to his room, and indicated the couch with his head as he connected his laptop to the projector and quickly pulled the screen down.

“I can’t believe you have an actual projector in your room.”

“What?  Doesn’t everyone?”  Even put on his most innocent look and acted as surprised as he could.

“Well, I … I mean, I don’t …”

Even laughed; he couldn’t hold it in anymore.  “Relax, Isak.  I’m a film nerd, remember.  My parents got sick of me watching in the lounge all the time and got me this one.”

“It’s nice,” Isak remarked.

Even returned to the couch and sat next to Isak.  This time, he allowed himself to sit close, thighs brushing.  He felt Isak tense beside him, then relax as the warmth of the contact seeped in.  He smiled briefly.  As the movie played, Even focused more on Isak than on the flickering images.  He was entranced, his eyes filling with fear or laughter or even tears at various points throughout. When the last shot faded away, Isak surreptitiously tried to wipe a tear from his eyes, but Even bumped his side.

“What’d you think?”

“You know what I think, asshole.  You barely watched the movie.”

“Oh.  You saw that?”

Isak rolled his eyes.  “I’m not blind, Even.”

“So, you liked it?”  

Even was horrified that his voice was wobbling, and that Isak seemed to notice because his posture changed completely and he smiled, soft and reassuring.

“Yeah, I liked it.  I can see why you like it so much.”

“So you’ll watch more then?”  Even said, grinning as he regained his poise.

“I didn’t say that.  But, you know, maybe if you play your cards right …”

“Oh?  And what do I need to do to play my cards right?  I’ve tried my extra special cheese toasties, but they didn’t seem to suit your tastes.  I’m not sure what else I have to bring to the table.”

“Well, it’s clearly not your stunning wit and charm.”

Even gasped in mock outrage.  “My wit is epic, Isak.  I think you need more of it to prove it.”

“Nooooo,” Isak cried in equally fake horror, pushing ineffectually at Even’s chest as he did so.  “Not more terrible wit.”

Heat filled Even at Isak’s touch, and he found himself grabbing his hand, holding it in place against his heart.  Isak stilled, then raised his eyes slowly to Even’s as his grin faded and another expression flitted onto his face.  It would be so easy to just lean forward right now and kiss him, put an end to this flickering tension between them once and for all.  But Even hadn’t planned this date to the last second to be thwarted now.  So, he stood, still holding Isak’s hand in his, and pulled Isak to his feet as well.

“Come with me.”

“Where are we going?”

“To the pool.”

Isak stopped walking, forcing Even to stop as well due to their connected fingers.  He turned around and raised his brows.

“You have a pool?”

“Yeah.  Or, well … the apartment building does.  It’s in the basement.  Coming?”

He tugged gently on Isak’s hand, making him slowly resume his walk.  As they moved, Even ran his fingers over the back of Isak’s hand, which trembled a little in response.  Glancing to the side, Even could see Isak dragging his teeth over his lower lip and he shuddered with an unexpected desire.  The energy buzzing between them, and anchored in their fingers, spiked and Isak looked up.  He smiled and Even was lost, falling into the trust he could see in Isak’s eyes.

“Almost there,” Even said as he indicated the door that led down to the pool area.

“We don’t … uh.  I don’t have anything to swim in.”

“Don’t need anything,” Even said raising his brows in a suggestive manner.  The answering blush that stained Isak’s cheeks made Even laugh out loud.  “I  _ mean _ , we can just wear our clothes and get changed again upstairs.  What were you thinking?”

“Fuck you,” Isak said, pushing him away.

“What?  You’re too scared to fuck up your perfect hair?”

“You think I care about my hair?”

“Looks like it.”

“This hair?  Really?” 

“Well, maybe not right now, but usually yeah.  It looks so styled.”

“You can talk!  How long does it take you in the morning?  Pouting over getting every single hair in place?”

“That’s offensive, Isak.  I don’t pout.  I stare with concentration; there’s a difference.”

Thankfully, Isak had relaxed now they’d returned to their usual bantering manner so Even thought it was time to move things along.  He pushed Isak in an attempt to get him to fall into the water, but he wasn’t fast enough.  Isak pivoted and threw his shoulder down so Even was the one who sank gracelessly over the edge and hit the smooth surface with a huge crash, legs splayed wide and a grimace on his face.  As he resurfaced with a gasp, Even glared up at Isak who was laughing from the side of the pool.

“That was unfair!”

“You started it.”

“Okay, fair.”  Even tilted his head to the side then smirked up at Isak.  “You wanna come in?  I promise your hair will still look good wet.”

Isak rolled his eyes, but obligingly jumped in beside Even, causing a wave to swamp him.  Even went under again.  This time, he grabbed Isak’s leg as he went under so they were both submerged.  In the eerie light under the water, Isak looked almost ethereal.  His eyes were wide in his face, reflecting the deep blue of the pool’s surrounds, and his hair stood out from his head like a crown.  Even’s heart flipped as he looked at this boy who so willingly followed where he led, with such trust.  They stared at each other for a moment before Even moved towards Isak.  The surprise in his eyes turned to a cautious longing as they got closer, but just as their lips brushed, the air rushed out of Isak’s lungs and he was forced to push up towards the surface.  

Even surfaced, grinning.  Isak looked shaken but there was a happiness in his eyes that made Even’s heart sing.

“You’re really terrible at holding your breath,” Even said.

“Excuse me, I had no warning.  You want me to hold my breath properly, you have to give me a chance to actually take a breath.”

Delight was dancing in Isak’s eyes as he circled Even in the pool.

“You should be ready for anything,” Even said, laughing.

“Fine.  Again?”

“Again.”

This time they held each other’s gazes as they took a breath and dropped under the water.  This time, Even knew what was going to happen, and he watched in delighted awe as Isak pushed his way through the water towards him.  This time, when Isak’s lips pressed against Even’s, he was ready.  He kissed back, feeling the slight pull of the water between them intensifying the electrifying moment when everything else dropped away and it was just the feel of lips on lips, weightless bodies suspended as they focused on the one important thing.

This time as they surfaced, Isak’s hands rose to Even’s shoulders as if he didn’t want to let go of the moment, so Even pulled him in by his waist as he kissed him again above water.  They broke apart to take a breath and Even laughed softly, overjoyed that he was finally here with Isak and that they were allowing themselves to kiss and to touch.  To feel every inch of connection between them.  Then they were kissing again, hands sunk into each other’s hair, and Even lost all track of his surroundings as he focused on Isak and his warm hands and lips.

Eventually, however, Isak pulled back.  He pressed his forehead against Even’s and sighed.  He was trembling, and his lips had taken on a blue tinge.

“As much as I’d like to stay here,” Isak said, his voice higher pitched than usual and breathless, making Even smirk, “I think I need to get somewhere a little warmer.”

“Like my bed?”  Even asked.

“I don’t care,” Isak said with a slight blush.  “I just want to be warm.”

Even pressed a quick kiss to Isak’s lips before pulling back and hauling himself out of the pool.  Isak followed, but needed some help as his waterlogged jeans made it a struggle to get out.  Even held out a hand to him, then kept it in his own once Isak was on dry land.

“I think I might have made a tactical error,” Even said as they looked around.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.  I forgot to bring a towel with us.”

He looked at Isak who let out a burst of laughter.  “You’re so useless.”

“I know.  So we’d better run, I guess, and try not to drip everywhere.”

Suiting action to word, Even took off, with Isak only slightly behind.  They made it up the two flights of stairs to Even’s apartment without meeting anyone else, but they left a trail of water behind that was very obvious, and would probably lead to awkward conversations with his parents in the morning.  Even shrugged.  That was a problem for another time.  He grabbed towels as soon as they were back inside and Isak wrapped his around himself with a thankful groan.

“Here.  Take some clothes and go get changed,” Even said, chucking a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie at Isak and indicating in the direction of the bathroom.

Soon, they were tucked up on Even’s couch again, snuggling.  Ostensibly to help warm Isak up, but mostly because Even, at least, didn’t want to let Isak go now that he was allowed to do this.  His fingers brushed over Isak’s shoulder rhythmically, and Isak hummed in appreciation.

“Can I ask you something?” he asked, tilting his head up from where it rested on Even’s shoulder to look at him.

“Mmmmm?”

“Why the pool?”

“It wasn’t obvious?”

Isak shook his head, an adorable crease appearing on his forehead as he tried to work it out.  Even kissed it because he could, then smiled.

“Romeo and Juliet and their epic kiss.  I figured you deserved one at least as epic.”

Isak rolled his eyes and groaned.  “You’re so cheesy, oh my god.  Why am I even here?”

“Because you love cheese, you just don’t want to admit it.”

Isak smiled, soft and content, as he snuggled back against Even’s shoulder.

“Maybe you’re right.”

Even kissed his brow again, then grinned as Isak tilted his head up, making his lips accessible.  As they kissed again, and Isak’s hand came up to caress Even’s neck sending shivers of pleasure shooting down Even’s spine, he wondered what he had ever done to deserve to be this lucky.  In his wildest dreams, Even hadn’t believed this would feel this good.  He allowed himself to live in this moment, with Isak, and to believe that this could last forever.


	5. Isak

Isak woke in a daze.  For a moment, he couldn’t remember where he was, then he felt an arm tighten around his waist, pulling him back against the warmth of a solid chest, and memories flooded in.  Memories that warmed him and made him dizzy with the disorientation of now being in a world where he had actually kissed Even, and been kissed back.  Over and over.

“Mmmmm, you smell good,” Even mumbled into his neck and Isak smiled, thrilling at the sensations that rushed through him as Even’s breath whispered over his skin.

Isak turned over so he could face Even.  The bed was so small that they ended up pressed nose to nose, with their arms curled together in order to fit comfortably.  It was the best bed Isak had ever been in.

“Morning,” he said quietly, taking advantage of the closeness to press his forehead against Even’s again.  As much as the kissing was incredible (and it  _ was _ fucking incredible; Isak wished he’d never wasted time kissing girls, never knowing what kissing could actually feel like), Isak found these smaller moments just as overwhelming.  The knowledge that he could touch Even, wrap his arms around him, press his body against his, and do all those things whenever he liked, was … it was a lot.  

Even was a cuddler, and Isak was loving every second of it.  It had been a long time since someone had held him just because they wanted to, just because they felt the need to touch and be with him.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d hugged his mother or father, and his friends had never been huge on physical affection, preferring fist bumps and shoulder punches to demonstrate their closeness.  So this, this being held and cuddled and touched and caressed, it called to something Isak hadn’t known he needed.  But now he had it, Isak didn’t think he’d ever want to let it go.

Even’s hands began to caress Isak’s back as he gazed at him, and Isak shivered, allowing his eyes to slip closed with the bliss of it.

“Cold?”  Even asked, pulling back slightly to look at Isak.

“No.  Just happy.”

“You sap,” Even said, giving him a small kiss to negate any sting.

Isak smiled, snuggling deeper into Even’s arms  and marvelling at the way Even matched his movements, as if he, too, couldn’t get close enough.

“Your fault,” he said with a contented sigh.  “You and that  _ Romeo + Juliet _ crap.”

“Ah, see.  You’ve discovered my cunning plan.  I wooed you into my arms with romantic movies, and now you’re stuck.”

Isak laughed, startled out of his relaxed stupor.

“Wooed?  What are you?  Forty?”

“No.  Just too happy to think of any other way to say it.”

Even’s fingers traced patterns on Isak’s shoulder as he spoke, and it became difficult for Isak to focus on anything other than the burning glow they left in their wake.

“Who’s the sap now?” he asked, breathlessly, making Even snort out a laugh.

Even’s only answer was to wriggle closer and slide his mouth onto Isak’s.  They kissed lazily for several minutes, before Even’s stomach rumbled.  Isak laughed, burying his face in Even’s shoulder.

“You should deal with that,” Isak said, feeling confident enough to tease Even.  “You need your strength.”

“Oh, I do, do I?”

Even’s arms tightened around Isak and his eyes softened with interest.

“Yeah,” Isak said, trying to hold in his sniggers.  “Lying around watching movies takes a lot of effort.  Besides, I’m starving and you promised me you’d be a good host next time.”

“Just watching movies?”  Even pouted.

“Well,” Isak said, leaning in for another kiss, “maybe we could do a little bit of other stuff too.  But you promised me an education.”

Even groaned.  “I’ve created a monster.”  He pushed at Isak.  “You need to move first, though.  You’re blocking my way to the ladder.”

They scrambled down the ladder, and Isak pulled on the t-shirt and hoodie he’d discarded the previous evening when he’d climbed into the bed.  While he’d been happy enough to bare his chest while sleeping, the idea of being out in the house with the possibility of running into Even’s family without the protection of clothes scared him.

Even linked their fingers as they left the room, and pulled Isak towards the kitchen.  When they arrived in the doorway, however, Isak was embarrassed to realise that both of Even’s parents were sitting at the table eating their own breakfasts.  He blushed and held back a little.  Even squeezed his fingers, and grinned back at him, indicating with his eyes that they should carry on.

“Hey, baby,”  Even’s mother said cheerfully from her chair.  “Who’s your friend?”

“This is Isak,” Even said, pulled him forward so he could slide an arm around his waist.  Isak stared at the floor, heat flooding his cheeks, but managed to stutter out a “hello.”

‘OH!  Isak?  Really?”  

Even’s mother’s voice changed, becoming inquisitive and interested, and she bounced out of her seat.  Even’s father raised his brows and looked at them with a smirk as she wrapped her own arms around Isak’s shoulders, startling him so much he looked at Even over her shoulder in a panic.  Even didn’t help at all, merely grinning and raising his eyebrow at Isak.

“I’ve heard so much about you!” his mother gushed.  “Oh, Even.  He’s adorable.”

“Yes, thank you, mother.  You’re embarrassing him.  And in fact, you’re embarrassing me, too.”

Even disentangled her arms from Isak, and pushed her in the direction of her seat again.  Isak stared around the kitchen, confused.  

“You’ve heard about me?”  

He glanced between Even’s parents before squinting at Even, asking for confirmation.  All he got was a shy smile (Even?  Shy?  Isak couldn’t believe he was seeing this), but thankfully Even’s father was more forthcoming.

“Son, really now.  He’s been talking about you non-stop for the last few weeks.”  His voice went higher pitched and sing song as he imitated Even.  “Isak did this, Isak did that, Isak smiled at me today …”

“Daaaaaad, stop.  You’re as bad as her.”  Even nodded in his mother’s direction while rummaging in a drawer under the counter.  “Can we please just get some food and stop the shame?”

“You’re no fun at all.  What’s the point in having kids if you can’t tease them in front of their crushes?”

“Okay, that’s it.”  

Even had been rifling in the fridge while they talked, and he backed out now, slammed the door shut, grabbed Isak’s hand in his free one, then stomped out of the room dragging Isak behind him.  As they left, Isak could hear Even’s parents laughing, and he grinned at Even.

“I can’t believe you were sappy enough to gush about me,” Isak said as soon as they were safely back in Even’s room.

“Shut up.  I can’t believe they betrayed me like that.  My own parents!”  

He clasped his hands to his chest in mock affront, but he was grinning, his eyes crinkling the way Isak loved, and there was a fond light sitting behind the glare.  Isak reached up and pressed a quick kiss to Even’s lips, startling a pleased smile out of him.

Isak’s stomach rumbled this time, and he grimaced.  “You said something about food?”

“At your command!”  Even bowed theatrically at the small coffee table on which was laid the fruits of Even’s efforts.  “Gourmet selections for your eating pleasure.”

Isak stared at the array, which consisted of bananas, sliced bread and some yoghurt.

“Gourmet?”

“Hey, I was operating under pressure of an attack of friendly fire; I think I did pretty well considering.”

“Yeah you did,” Isak said, smiling at him before sitting down with his back against the couch.  

Even sat next to him, as close as he could get, and heat pooled in Isak’s body again.  He still wasn’t used to the way Even made him feel.  He allowed himself to melt a little so they were pressed against each other.  He felt Even’s breath against his hair, and smiled, shivering at the rush of electricity that flooded him even from that simple contact.

“Okay,” Isak sighed finally, reluctantly pulling himself away from the pleasure of soaking in Even’s presence.  “I need food.”

He reached for a banana, and then settled back against Even as he peeled it open.

“You comfortable there?”  Even asked, sarcasm in his voice.

“Yeah I am, thanks.”  

“Could you maybe pass me some food, if you’re going to lounge all over me?”

Isak laughed, then shook his head.

“Well, if you’re going to be like that …”

Even slid sideways quickly, dumping Isak on the floor, where he hit with a startled squawk.

“You’re an asshole,” he grumbled, pulling himself up.  “Look what you did to my banana.”

He held out the squished remains in Even’s direction as he sat up.  Even grinned at him unrepentantly, then grabbed some bread, a yogurt and a spoon.

“Your own fault, Isak.  You’re the one who tried to get between a man and his food.”

“Ah yes, I forgot.  When it comes to food, you’re always serious.”

“Hey, come here,” Even said, holding his arm out enticingly.  

Isak took another banana and some bread, then arranged himself against Even again.  They ate in silence, occasionally brushing hands together, or giving each other small kisses.  Isak couldn’t stop himself from touching Even.  It was a compulsion -- to reach out, to run fingers through his hair, to press lips to any exposed piece of skin.  It still seemed unreal to Isak that he got to have this, to do this.

Soon, food was forgotten in the delight of the feelings blooming in his stomach as Even touched him, running his hands across his back or down his side.  After a few minutes, they silently agreed to return to the bed for comfort, then lay together kissing.

They stayed that way for most of the day, barely emerging to eat.  It was almost overwhelming to Isak to be here, discovering all the quirks of Even’s body, the way he’d tense if touched in a certain place in a certain way, the way he’d huff out a breath if kissed in just the right place.  It was equally intoxicating for Isak to be touched in return, to discover the things he liked, to learn that he was slightly ticklish, but that the ticklish spot felt completely different if it was kissed.  Learning how his body responded to touches and kisses was one of the most amazing things Isak had experienced, and he told Even so, breathless.  Even laughed, then kissed him more, which wasn’t actually far off the reaction Isak had hoped to elicit.

 

It felt like no time at all before Even’s parents tried to entice them out late in the afternoon.  Even refused on the basis that they would just embarrass him again.  The day flew by, and Isak couldn’t believe how comfortable he felt here, with Even.  He’d thought, in the past, that this sort of thing -- learning how to be with someone -- would be awkward or somehow stilted, but it felt natural, like puzzle pieces falling into place easily and inevitably.  It was as if they’d known each other for much longer than four weeks.  They could talk about anything and everything, and Isak found himself revealing things he’d long kept close to his chest for fear of judgement.

“I wasn’t always at home, you know?” he said eventually as they lay snuggled together.

“You weren’t?”

Isak shook his head.  “Nah, I lived in a group flat for a while.  It was the best.”

He sighed with the nostalgia of it, then tucked himself more securely into Even’s side.

“If it was the best, why’d you leave?”  Even’s voice held no judgement, just confusion, and Isak sighed again, heavily.

“My dad.  He basically dragged me out because he wanted me to look after my mother.  Because he’s an asshole and didn’t want to do it himself anymore.”

Isak could hear the bitterness in his voice and tried to smile through it, to make Even think he was fine.  He needed people to believe that he wasn’t a weak useless kid.  That he was capable of doing this stuff on his own.  Crying over this crap wasn’t going to help.

“Isak …”

Even’s voice was so kind, that Isak had to bury his face in Even’s chest and take several deep breaths to stop himself from giving in to the temptation to cry.  Once he’d controlled his breathing, Isak looked up at Even again.  The look in his eyes was so understanding that Isak swallowed to prevent a fresh set of tears.

“Isak, you don’t have to stay there.”

“I do.  I have no choice.  He says he won’t pay rent, so I can’t afford to do anything else.  I thought about getting a job, but I have school and no part time job will get me enough, so…”

“So you’re staying where you’re so unhappy?”

Isak shrugged, feeling discomfort sitting just under his skin.  “Can we stop talking about this?  I don’t like it.”

Even let out one huff, then smiled at him gently.  “Of course.  What do you want to talk about instead?”

“Who said anything about talking?” Isak said as he rolled over and threw his legs over Even’s, straddling his hips.

“Now, that sounds interesting,” Even said, grinning up at him with his hands on Isak’s hips.  Isak couldn’t help himself, and leaned down to kiss Even.  It felt different from this position.  This was a new angle, and it felt heady being the one in charge like this.  Isak hummed appreciatively as the angle forced Even to reach up to him, so Isak kept his lips just far enough away that Even couldn’t get a solid kiss in, the way their lips barely brushed together making him growled in frustration.  Isak sniggered, pulling away a little to let Even chase the kiss.  

“Now who’s the asshole?” Even asked, frustration in his voice as Isak held himself just out of reach and grinned down at him.

“Sounds like you don’t want me to kiss you …”

Even growled again as he managed to get his hand behind Isak’s head to pull him down into a more thorough kiss.  Isak allowed himself to melt again, giving in to the pleasure of being with Even, of kissing him as thoroughly as he wanted, as often as he wanted and for as long as he wanted.  Even’s hands on his back, and in his hair, made Isak feel alive, and running his own fingers through Even’s hair or over his skin sent shivers through him.  

 

By 21.21 Isak had almost forgotten the world existed.  Even’s father had called an amused “we’re going out to eat” two hours earlier, and Even had taken advantage of their absence to cook dinner for the two of them, and they’d retreated to Even’s couch to eat.  When Isak’s phone buzzed, they were still tucked up together on the couch with a movie hooked up to the projector, but neither of them was paying much attention.  Isak couldn’t even tell you what the movie was.

_ Where the hell are you, Isak?  Your mother is not well, and you’ve left with no hint of where you’ve gone.   _

Isak stiffened as he read the text.  Even looked at him in concern, and Isak quickly texted  _ I’m with a friend. _

He rolled his eyes when he read the instant reply,  _ You come home right now..   _

Isak threw the phone away from himself, watching as it bounced a few times on the hard floor before coming to rest face down.  Isak wondered idly whether it had broken this time, but couldn’t quite bring himself to care.

“Fuck,” he said.  “I’m so fucked.”

“What’s up?”

“My dad.  He wants me home because I didn’t stick with my mother.”

“I told you, Isak; you don’t have to look after her.”

“Try telling that to my dad.”

Isak stood up, reluctantly, and started to put his own clothes on.  The jeans were stiff with chlorine, and he struggled to get them over his heels and up his legs.  Then there was the sad moment when he was going to have to take Even’s t-shirt off in order to replace it with his own.

“Keep it,” Even said, coming up behind him to press a kiss under his ear.  “You keep mine, I’ll keep yours, okay?”

“You’re such a …”

“Wonderful person?  I know,” Even said with an attempt at a wink.

Isak sighed, and leaned against Even.  “I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t go.”

“I wish it was that easy, but it’s not.  You don’t know my dad.”

He turned in Even’s arms, then reached up to kiss him, before pulling away regretfully and heading for the door.

“Hey, Isak?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I come visit?”

Isak blushed at the look in Even’s eyes, the heat and desire in them.  “Yeah, yeah of course.  But … maybe wait a bit.  They’re not … they don’t know, about me.  And this isn’t a great time to tell them.”

Even looked crestfallen, but he nodded.  “Whatever you need, Isak.”

Isak groaned, angry at the world.  He thought of all the ways this would be better if he’d just managed to stay in the flat with Eskild, Noora and Lin.

“I wish.  Fuck, I wish I could just be fucking normal with a normal life.  I wish I could have stayed in the flat.”

“But, baby, then you and I might not have met?”

Isak scowled at him, blushing furiously.  “‘Baby’?”

“Yeah.  Is there a problem?”

“No, no problem.  I just didn’t expect it.  And we  _ would _ have met, I know it.”

“Whatever you say, baby,” Even laughed.  He reached a hand out, pulled Isak to him, and kissed his hair.  “I’m going to miss you.”

“Ugh, stop it.  I’ll never go if you keep being so … so ... “

“Amazing?”

Isak sighed again, and forced himself to step away.  This time, Even let him go. 

  
  
  


At home, things were just about as unpleasant as Isak had figured they might be.  His mother was, as expected, in a very bad way.  Her eyes were glassy and she seemed unable to focus.  His father was sitting with her, looking angry and frustrated.

“Isak.  Where have you been?”

His father’s voice held a hint of relief, but Isak ignored it, too busy allowing himself to be consumed by his own frustration.  

“With a friend, like I said.”

“You can’t just go away for days at a time and not tell us at least who you’re with.”

“As if you care,” Isak scoffed.

“The Lord cares for you, Isak,” his mother said.  “He always knows your heart.”

Isak rolled his eyes.  “I’m sure the Lord doesn’t care where I go.”

“Isak, your mother is worried about you.  Show some respect.”

“You mean,  _ you _ were worried your live-in home help wasn’t under your thumb.”

His father took a deep breath, gritted his teeth together, and let it out in a slow whistle.  He stood up, took Isak’s arm and led him out of the room, shutting the door behind them.  Then he carried on in a heated whisper, “I don’t want to fight with you, Isak.  I want you safe.”

“No you don’t.  I  _ was _ safe.  I was with a friend and I had a good time, for once.  You know where else I was safe?  At Noora’s.  But you don’t care about that.”

Isak’s voice had risen with his level of passion, and his father hissed angrily, “keep your voice down.  Do you want to upset your mother?”

“As if you care; she’s just a burden to you.”

Once again, his father took a breath before speaking.  He very obviously had to unclench his jaw and force his voice into something resembling calm.

“Isak, I know you’re upset about this new school and being here with your mother, but that’s no reason to worry us like this.  One day you’re going to have kids of your own, and then you’ll understand …”

Isak rolled his eyes again.  “Yeah yeah, the old ‘you’re a kid, you don’t get it’ thing.  But I do get it.  I  _ want _ to be a kid.  I want to go to school with my friends.  I want to do teenage stuff.  But I can’t because I have to worry, every single day, about  _ her _ .”

“No-one’s stopping you from doing any of those things.”

Isak groaned in anger and frustration, throwing his hands up.  They were never going to understand.  He looked at his father for a few moments, before deciding that saying anything else was going to be pointless.  Isak then turned on his heel and stomped away, ignoring his father calling his name behind him.  He slammed into his room, then banged the door shut behind him, taking a savage satisfaction in the loud crash it made as it thumped into place.

It was so goddam frustrating that his parents couldn’t seem to get what Isak was so worried about.  They were supposed to be the ones who loved and cared for him.  They were supposed to give a shit about his welfare, and yet Isak felt like they didn’t.  His father may say all the right things, but it was obvious that he’d never taken the time to see and understand  _ Isak _ .  They saw the kid they wanted him to be, measured him against that imaginary perfect son, and found him wanting.  But they never bothered to look and discover who Isak was as his own person.  

It was ironic that the one person who really seemed to understand Isak was the person Isak had met most recently.  Even had seen immediately that the feeling of responsibility was oppressive to Isak and had tried to help him see that he didn’t need to be that person.  In this moment, Isak longed for Even with an intensity that was almost frightening.  Almost.

_ I wish you were here _ , he texted him.   _ My dad was as bad as I thought _

_ I can be there _

Isak smiled sadly.  He knew Even really would be there if he could be, but Isak knew better than to push his parents further right now.

_ I can’t _ , he texted back.

_ I know.  Look after yourself, baby _

And that was enough to send Isak over the edge.  He sat down on his bed and let himself cry.  For once, he allowed himself to feel everything without holding back, allowing every guilty feeling about having to be the strong one to wash out of him.  In some far distant part of his brain, Isak was horrified at himself.  How could he allow himself to be this weak?  How could he allow himself to let his vulnerabilities dictate how he reacted?  But most of what he felt was relief -- relief that he had someone on his side, relief that he  _ could _ feel something.  It was a relief to finally let it all out, and eventually Isak fell into an exhausted sleep, with his phone pressed to his chest.

  
  


The next day was unpleasant.  He woke to his mother still vacant and out of sorts.  She became demanding and aggressive, however, when Isak said he had to get ready for the day, and it was a relief to leave and head to school.  The rest of the week wasn’t much better.  His mother was calmer, but still difficult to deal with as she lost herself in her delusions.  Isak sought solace elsewhere, texting Even as much as he could.

_ Can I come over? _ he sent on Tuesday night, as the idea of being cooped up with his mother the way she’d been the last few days was clogging his throat with fear and an unaccountable sadness.

_ I’m not home :( _ Even texted back.   _ But talk to me, baby _

_ She’s just bad.  But I’ll cope.  Don’t worry _

_ I always worry _

_ I know.  I’ll be fine though _

_ You don’t sound fine _

_ It’s okay.  You enjoy your time out _

_ I can come home _

_ No, don’t do that.  It’s fine _

_ I miss you, though _

_ I miss you too, but I’ll see you at school tomorrow.  Don’t waste your time out for me _

  
  


On Thursday, Isak was finally able to meet up with Jonas and the other boys.  Isak waited for them outside Nissen as usual, though he was anxious.  He’d intended to meet up with them during the weekend, but since he’d spent most of his time with Even, he hadn’t managed to get away.  Then things with his mother had pushed everything else to the back of his mind.  Isak was worried about how they’d react now he was about to see them again.  It was almost as bad as he’d feared.

“Look at this traitor,” Mahdi said as they all came up beside him.  He was grinning, but there was tension in his body which gave the lie to the ease with which Mahdi was speaking.

“Traitor?  What?”  Isak said, startled.  “What’d I do?”

“You were going to come with us to a party in the weekend, man.  Magnus’s birthday.  You were on beer, don’t you remember?”

Guilt flooded through Isak and he could feel his cheeks heating up.  Fuck.  He was a shit friend, and the thought was enough to set his hackles up and make him defensive.

“Oh.  I … uh.  Beer.  Shit, I forgot.”

“Where were you, bro?” Jonas asked, thumping him in the shoulder in a friendly way.  “Beer or not, we missed your vibe.”

Isak couldn’t bring himself to tell them about Even, so he hedged, which put him even more on edge.  It had been a long time since Isak had felt uncomfortable with these guys, but right now he wished himself a million miles away from this situation which was getting more stressful by the moment.  

“Oh.  It was my mother.  She … she’s a bit stressed, you know?”

“Stressed?  That’s a joke.  My mum’s always stressed, but you don’t see me missing my responsibilities.”

“Fuck you, Mahdi,” Isak said, feeling a jolt of anger at this kid who had no idea what was going on with Isak’s home or family. Who could chuck the word ‘responsibilities’ around like it was no big deal, who didn’t  _ understand _ .   “You don’t know anything, okay, so back off.”

He noticed Jonas shake his head at the others to try to get them to stop talking, and that just kicked Isak’s anger up a notch.  He’d been with Jonas through all sorts of shit and he’d never treated him like he was a fucking infant to be coddled, so what ave Jonas the right?  The rage boiled, and Isak rounded on his best friend.

“You can stay out of it, too.  I don’t need you tip toeing around me like I’m some kind of invalid.”

Jonas stared at Isak in consternation.

“Jesus, bro.  What’s with you?  You’re so grouchy all the time now.”

“Grouchy?  I’m not fucking grouchy.”

“Seriously?  You can’t see what a dick you’re being right now?”  Jonas was gearing up for a fight, which was never a good sign in isak’s experience and he groaned internally.  He didn’t need to deal with this shit right now.  Not on top of all the rest of it.

“Jesus Christ, he needs to get laid,” Magnus said cheerfully, which irritated Isak even more.  “We should call that Emma girl.  I bet she would.”

Rolling his eyes at the idea that any problem could be solved with sex, and particularly at the idea that he should hook up with Emma again, Isak turned on Magnus too.

“What is it with you all?  I don’t need to get laid!  I don’t want to see Emma, and I don’t need your goddam pity.”

“Hey buddy, you don’t need to shout.  We’re your friends, and we’re trying to help you out.”

“Yeah, well.  Don’t.”  Isak sighed, pushed away from the others and said, “I’m going home.”

He spun on his heel and headed back in the direction they’d come from, feeling guilty that the most prominent feeling he had right now was relief - relief that he didn’t have to be with them and pretend to enjoy their talk of girls and other trivial crap.  Behind him, Isak could hear Magnus asking whether they should go after him, and Jonas’s resigned, “Nah, he’s better alone when he’s like this,” and the guilt swamped him.  They weren’t trying to be assholes, but Isak couldn’t bear to be around them.  It was too hard to pretend to give a shit about girls and drinking when all he could think about was his mother’s mood, his father’s absence, and Even.

_ Are you home?  Can I come over? _

Isak was desperate.  He remembered Even’s comment that he could come any time he liked if things at home were bad, and Isak need to see him.  After Tuesday, he was worried that even might not be available, so when the text came in he sagged with relief.

_ Yeah.  It’s just me here and you’re welcome _

Isak didn’t have to go home and face up to his mother.  He didn’t have to make awkward small talk with her, or try to talk her out of whatever she thought the Lord wanted her to do today.  He could fall into being with Even and not worry about anything else for a few hours.

Isak’s phone buzzed again and he looked down at it.

_ I have to warn you, I’m not in the best mood, _ Even’s text said.   _ But I want you here with me _

_ Okay _

Even’s face when Isak got to his house was pale and drawn.  He looked like he hadn’t slept all week, with smudges under his eyes and a haunted look that set a strange fear in the pit of Isak’s stomach.  But when he saw Isak, Even gave a soft smile and pulled him close.

“I missed you, so much.”

Isak breathed in Even’s scent, and allowed himself to relax a little finally as he wound his arms around Even’s back.  “God, I missed you too.”

“Do you want to talk about your mother?”

Isak shook his head.  “Do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?”

“Nope.”

“Well then.  What should we do?”

Even took Isak’s hand and led him to his bedroom again.  “Movie?”

“Sure.”

It was strange being back here now.  Neither of them was particularly talkative this evening, neither of them wanted to kiss or be intimate in that way, but they both seemed to need to be together, pulled close in a desire for mutual support and affection.  Isak watched the movie, something back and white and confusing, and found himself with tears on his cheeks by the end despite understanding very little of the plot.

“You okay?”  Even asked, as he leaned forward to turn off the laptop.

“Mmmmm.  I’m fine.”

“You want to talk now?”

Isak settled more firmly against Even’s shoulder and sighed.  He wished he could wave a wand and shut out all the shit and just enjoy the good stuff.  The stuff like being here with Even, understanding each other.  The stuff like being content with his life.  The stuff that he hoped another Isak was living in another world somewhere, because there was so much shit in his own life.  The idea that other-Isak was having a better time was one of the things that kept him going.

“Do you ever think about parallel universes?”

“Uh … no, not generally.”  Even shivered and Isak squinted up at him.  

“I like the infinity of it.  You know … we could be lying here exactly like this, but one little thing is different.  Or … or … it could be the big stuff.  The stuff that’s all fucked up.”

Even shuddered again.  “I don’t really like it.”

“But did you think about it?”

“I … yeah.  But it’s freaky, isn’t it?  Everything that could be wrong  _ is _ wrong in some other place.  In that place, no-one catches a break and there’s only one way out of it.”

Isak frowned, feeling oddly sad that this was how Even saw the world.  “That’s dark, though.  I like the other idea.”

“Hmmm?”

“In a parallel universe, life is better.”

“Better?”

“I’m just … I still wish I wasn’t at home, you know?  In another universe I’d be still in the group flat.  I’d be happier.  You know, better.”

“I wish I could help you,” Even said, wrapping his arm more tightly around Isak.

Isak sighed regretfully.  “I do too. I wish my mother wasn’t sick, that I was still living with my friends and going to my old school.”

“How’s your mother sick?”  Even asked, curiosity bleeding into his voice and making Isak squirm.  He didn’t like talking about this, but Even always made him feel better, and was so open about his own thoughts, so Isak tried to explain. 

“She’s … she’s crazy.  Literally.  Thinks God keeps wanting us to do stuff, or is punishing us for stuff, and I have to remind her most days that it’s not Armageddon and we don’t have to protect ourselves from whatever God sent down this week.”  He sighed again.  “It would be so much easier if she was normal, then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit.”

Even stiffened beside Isak, and Isak looked up at him curiously.  His eyes were shut and he looked pained, but then he opened his eyes and looked down at Isak with compassion in his eyes.

"I can understand that.  But isn’t she getting help?”

“No.  She won’t, and since Dad moved out it got worse.   I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.”

“Baby, you shouldn’t have to be an adult right now.  I know I keep saying that, but I mean it.”

Isak nodded.  “I just want to be me for a while; is that really too much to ask?”  He could hear how small his voice sounded, and winced.  So much for trying to make other people think he had it all under control and could deal with everything.

Even hugged him a little tighter, and whispered, “no, it shouldn’t be.”

Isak drifted off to sleep then, with Even’s voice in his ear and his arms around him.  He woke, groggy and disorientated, a few hours later to a room which was pitch black and didn’t seem to contain anyone else; there was no comforting sound of another person’s breathing.

“Even?” he whispered, hoping he was mistaken, but there was no answer, and Even definitely didn’t appear to be around.  Isak forced his legs out of their uncomfortable curled up position where he’d fallen asleep on the couch, then climbed the ladder to the bed, but it was cold and empty.  He climbed back down and tiptoed out to the hallways to check the bathroom.  No-one there, either.  He pulled his phone out and checked the time.  6.45 am.  Way too early to be up, in Isak’s opinion, but considering he still had school to get to, he groaned and forced himself to have a quick shower, get dressed and head out into the frigid early morning air.

_ Are you okay?  Where’d you go? _  Isak sent, before he started walking away from the warmth of Even’s home, to the cold darkness of his own.

Concerned about where Even might have gone, Isak checked his phone regularly all the way home, after he successfully snuck in, and then all the way back to school.  It remained stubbornly blank.  Throughout the long day, Isak wondered and worried, particularly when Even didn’t make any of their regular meeting spots at school, didn’t answer any of his texts, and wasn’t around at lunch time.  It was with a sick feeling of dread that Isak made his way towards his home that afternoon.  Dread both for Even and for what he might find his mother doing.

When his phone finally pinged with an incoming message, it didn’t alleviate Isak’s worries at all.  It just served to make his heart plummet, and make fear hit him hard.

_ I’m sorry; I think things have moved too fast.  I know it’s my fault, but I just need some time. _


	6. Even

“It would be so much easier if she was normal, then I wouldn’t have to deal with all this shit.”

Even knew Isak could feel the change in him as he reacted to the words, because Isak tensed, his body suddenly rigid against Even’s own.  But Even couldn’t help it.  The words stung, burrowing into Even’s chest and setting up camp there.  They sent icy tendrils seeping through his body, settlers making a journey to colonise every inch of Even.  

Isak’s voice was so small and broken when he said it, close to a whisper, that Even knew he shouldn’t react.  But his body was an asshole and it betrayed him, stiffening beside Isak and making him look up, wary and anxious.  Even closed his eyes, then forced them open and forced himself to remain as casual as possible.  He smiled as well as he could, and looked down into Isak’s face.

“I can understand that.  But isn’t she getting help?”

Even tried to keep his voice soft, calm.  That’s what Isak needed right now.  He was so clearly hurting, suffering because of his experiences with his family.  The softness of Even’s voice seemed to work because Isak relaxed a little as he talked.

“No.  She won’t, and since Dad moved out it got worse.   I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.”

Even felt a stab of rage, the one he got regularly whenever Isak talked about his parents, particularly when his voice went low and insecure like it did now.  They’d piled so much onto Isak’s young shoulders that it was no wonder he was so insecure and isolated.  It was no wonder that he wrapped so much of who he was up in bravado and silly jokes.  It was a privilege, Even realised, to be the one Isak shared these more vulnerable things with.  He couldn’t misuse that privilege; so Even tucked it up in his heart as if it were something precious he’d been offered.  Because it was.  It was a sign of the trust Isak had in Even.

Even sighed, then said softly into Isak’s hair, “baby, you shouldn’t have to be an adult right now.  I know I keep saying that, but I mean it.”

He could feel Isak nodding under his chin, and smiled.  Then Even’s heart plummeted as Isak whispered in the same small broken voice as before, “I just want to be me for a while; is that really too much to ask?”

Wishing he could do more for this boy who was dealing with so much, Even tightened his own arms around Isak, and whispered, “no, it shouldn’t be.”

Isak drifted off to sleep then, but Even couldn’t.  He kept turning Isak’s words over and over in his head.  It _shouldn’t_ be too much to ask for people to let Isak be himself, and that was the problem.  Isak was swamped, overwhelmed, by the mentally ill person he already had in his life, to the extent that he felt like he’d lost himself in caring for her.  Caring for her was in Isak’s nature, and he worked himself ragged doing it.  He didn’t need anyone else in his life who needed support.  Isak needed stability and peace.  He didn’t need someone who was a total screwup, unpredictable and erratic, and who would just end up hurting him.  

Even knew his depression was closing in; he could feel that he was already in a bad space.  The ironic thing was that he had drawn a lot of comfort from Isak when he’d first arrived here, sitting pressed together, not talking and not kissing.  Just being.  It had calmed Even, centered him a little, and it had seemed to help Isak, too.  But it was obvious that couldn’t last.  If Isak learned about Even and his illness, Isak would find himself swamped with even more shit, and he would probably try to care for Even too.  That’s just who he was.  Even couldn’t do that to him, not while he was so vulnerable and filled with hurt and fear from his own family.  

That meant that Even needed to pull back.  The depression would hit full force very soon, and Even needed to keep that away from Isak.  So, once he was certain Isak was fast asleep and wouldn’t wake if Even moved, he slid his arms off Isak’s shoulders, laid him gently on the couch, pulled a blanket over him and slipped out of the room.

Even pressed his head against the wall beside his bedroom door, and tried to still his shaking hands.  His breathing was ragged and he could feel the curls of sadness reaching further out through his body.  It was time, more than time, to get himself out of here.  So Even forced himself away from the only person who meant anything in that moment, he forced himself to put a coat and scarf on, and then he forced himself to leave the building.

It was hard, the hardest thing Even had ever had to do.  Walking away from Isak hurt, much more than he’d expected.  It hurt so much that Even allowed his coat to fall open so the biting cold would get to him.  That pulled his attention away from his heart and his stupid feelings which felt like jagged pieces of glass ripping up his chest and throat.  The frigidity of the air cutting through his sweatshirt was intense enough to force Even’s body to focus only on it rather than on the searing pain of leaving Isak behind.

The first text came in soon enough, coating Even’s throat in unshed tears as he read the disguised panic in Isak’s words.  Through the day, the rest became more and more frantic, until it was hard for Even to remember why he was doing this in the first place.  But he reminded himself: a little pain for Isak now would save so much worse for him later.  That’s what Even had to tell himself, over and over again, as he made himself compose the text he knew would stop Isak’s worry in its tracks.  The text he knew would stab at him, at least for a while.  The text that would eventually set him free.

_I’m sorry; I think things have moved too fast.  I know it’s my fault, but I just need some time._

Even sent it, then he allowed himself to cry, to let out all the feelings he’d been holding back as long as he could.  He allowed himself to picture all the things they could have had, all the things they could have been.  Even remembered every tiny detail of his time with Isak, from first seeing him so disgruntled and insecure in the cafeteria, through the highs of the kissing and laughing and teasing, to the broken and vulnerable Isak who’d shown up here because he couldn’t face his family.  Even wallowed in all the images for a short time, though not as long as he wished he could take, letting each image or memory pull him deeper into dark sadness.  Then, Even allowed himself to sink into his bed, to curl up and to blank out the day.  

  
  


Just over a week later, and Even was back at school, his head a little clearer but pain sitting in his heart.  He slid into his seat next to Irene and smiled at her as sincerely as he could.  She looked him over, and smiled back, very gently.

“Hi, Even.  How are you?”  Her voice was soft, calm.  It was so different to the wary tone she’d used to talk to him on that first day of school that Even blinked against the unwelcome memories of that day which threatened to overwhelm him.

“I’m …” he weighed for a few moments the idea of telling her how he really felt, before slipping into his school mode: cheerful denial.  “I’m fine.”

“You missed class last week.”

“I did.  Did you miss me?”

Even could hear the falsely bright tone in his voice as he forced a laugh, and winced internally.  He just hoped Irene couldn’t pick up on it.

She flashed him a bright smile. “Actually I did.  There was no-one to show off his homework to me.”

Even laughed, a genuine one this time, though small and uncertain.  Irene abruptly turned in her seat to look Even straight in the eyes, the expression on her face softening into something that looked very understanding and caring.  She put her hand on his, reminding him forcefully again of their first meeting when she’d dropped his hand as if it held a contagious disease.

“I know you’re not happy, Even.  You don’t have to pretend.”

Her voice was filled with compassion.  And that … that was enough to drag the smile from Even’s face and send tears rushing in behind his eyelids.  He blinked a few times to get rid of them, then squeezed her hand in gratitude.

“Thanks, Irene,” he whispered.

The teacher called their attention to the front, and they both focused on the lesson, but the memory of Irene’s kindness stayed with Even and he realised maybe people had stopped seeing him as a monster.  Well, some of them anyway.  It wasn’t much, but it was enough to slice through some of the despair he felt in being here at school and unable to search for Isak, unable to head to their seat at lunch.  Unable to spend any time with the person who was his best friend in this unwelcoming place.

Just because he wasn’t looking for Isak, however, didn’t mean Even didn’t see him.  He was there in corners of the hallways, he was there on the edges of the cafeteria, he was there at the ends of corridors.  And Isak looked terrible.  His face was drawn, pale and lifeless.  There was no spark in his eyes, no spring in his step.  There was no passion in his body.  He looked the way he had that first week when Even had first spotted him, but even more withdrawn than he had been then.  Then, Isak had an inner fire to him, a sense of self or of anger, or _something_.  Now, Isak had lost that indefinable spark.  He looked like he was dragging himself through the day on instinct rather than making any sort of deliberate movement.

Every time he saw him, Even’s heart clenched.  He had forgotten, somehow, that Isak didn’t have any other real friends here.  Oh sure, Isak had some guys he hung around with briefly between classes, but he didn’t spend time with them.  That made it worse, knowing what he was going through.  All Even could hope was that Isak was spending time with his Nissen friends outside of school.  He needed support; that much had been obvious from their time together that last fateful night.  Even just hoped he was getting it, since Even himself couldn’t provide it.

  
  


The days dragged.  Even’s parents hovered, anxious, as his moods swung wildly between ‘I need to sleep all day’ and ‘I can drag my ass to school but I’m not happy about it.’  Eventually, however, his mood leveled out and he came close to feeling normal again.  Of course, his parents chose right then to talk to him about Isak.

“So, that boy you had with you the other day.  He seemed nice.”

His mother’s voice was casual, and yet there was a sly undertone that made Even wary.  He rolled his eyes, and kept his attention on his food, then shrugged noncommittally.  

“Isak, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, Isak.”  Even agreed, as cheerfully as he could.

His father coughed and cast a glance at his mother.  “You … uh.  You seen him since then?”

Even stopped chewing for a moment to give them an incredulous look.  “I’ve been here, holed up in my room for a week or so.  What do you think?”

“Ah,” his mother said, smiling at him.  

His father said, “okay, well.”  His eyes flicked to Even’s mother, and he glanced briefly at Even before continuing.  “That’s … hmm.”  he coughed, his manner showing just how uncomfortable this conversation was making him.  “Are you going to see him again?”

Even could feel his forehead crinkling in confusion.  He had no idea where this was all going, nor why his father was behaving so oddly.  “I don’t know.  Why?”

“Oh.  Nothing.  It’s just it seemed very quick, that’s all.”

Again, those eyes flicking, never staying on any one spot.  Not managing to catch and hold Even’s eyes.

“Quick?”

“You know.  From meeting him, then talking about him nonstop, then breaking up with Sonja.  You know.”  

His father was still avoiding his gaze, and Even suddenly _did_ know.  He knew what they were on about.  He felt a rage building inside and had to force himself to remain calm.

“You’re so … Jesus!  You think this is because of me being bipolar?”  His voice came out loud and forceful, making his father step back a little, and okay, maybe Even wasn’t calm exactly, but he was _relatively_ calm, considering what he felt like doing right now.

His mother tried then.  “Well.  No.  Not exactly, Even.  But you have to see...”

“Oh my God.  You’re so transparent, both of you.  But you don’t have to worry because it’s nothing anyway.”

There was relief in his mother’s voice when she said, “so you and Sonja…”

“Are still nothing.  Because I need a partner, not a goddam babysitter.”

“Even …”

“I know you loved her.  I know she was your shining light, but I felt like shit when I was with her.”

“What do you mean?”  His mother’s voice was puzzled, anxious, and Even felt a stab of remorse, mixed with exasperation.  He’d always known they hadn’t truly seen what he and Sonja were like, but it was still so goddam hard to be confronted with the proof.

“I _mean_ … she was your ideal for me -- someone who would monitor and look after me, someone who would make sure I’m not doing anything reckless.  You don’t understand how unhappy that made me.”

“You didn’t seem unhappy.  Are you sure …?”

“What?  Am I sure what?  That feeling stifled was bad for me?  Yeah, I’m fucking sure.”

His mother sighed, pressing her hands to her forehead before looking up at him again.  “Baby, you know you can talk to us …”

And suddenly Even couldn’t do this any more.  He couldn’t be here trying to explain himself to his parents, when it felt like it was too big and too complicated to even be worth bothering with.

“I’m going to my room.”

“Even!”

He could hear the worry in her voice, so he stopped in the doorway, breathing hard.  Even turned slowly to them, and added one last comment before he slipped out the door.

“No.  It’s fine.  I’m fine.  Isak is … he’s a friend, okay?  And you don’t have to worry about me.  I broke up with Sonja because it wasn’t working anymore, no other reason.”

Even could hear their quiet conversation behind him as he left, hear the worry in their voices and he groaned.  He just wished he didn’t have to lie to his parents, and himself, about all of this.  He wished he could be honest finally.  But he couldn’t, and Even was just going to have to live with that.

  
  


The rest of the week dragged on.  Even’s mood was stable, but unfortunately it was stable in a way that hurt.  There were days when he wished he hadn’t cut Isak off so thoroughly.  It hurt particularly when he ran into Isak outside the gym.  Literally.  They collided, and Even instinctively put his hands out to stop the fall.  His heart jumped and beat erratically when he looked up and realised whose chest he was now fondling.  He dropped his hands as if they were burnt, but the memory of Isak’s chest heaving under them remained.  And fuck his brain for remembering other times, other moments when they’d touched Isak there.  Other times when it had been welcome and sexy and playful, and just better in every way than right now when Isak was piercing him with a look that could strike a chill into the heart of summer.

“Oh.  Hey,” Even said, with as good a smile as he could muster.  Which was a really shit one, he could tell even without seeing it.  It felt wrong on his face, slipping sideways like an ill fitting coat.

Isak swallowed, gave him one quick glance, then whispered, “hi,” as he dropped his eyes.  He looked around as if plotting his escape.  Even’s heart clenched.  He needed to say something, _do_ something, to take that terrible lost look out of Isak’s eyes.

“You … uh.  How’s your mum?”

Isak’s face paled further, if that was possible, and Even kicked himself.  What a shit thing to bring up right now.  Isak’s face twisted in what looked like it was supposed to be a smile, but which didn’t reach his eyes, and sat askew around his mouth.

“She’s good.  Fine.  You know.”

Isak’s voice was hollow, no animation in his tone, and his body language screamed lethargy and defeat.  His shoulders were curved in on themselves, and his arms were wrapped around his body as if he was trying to protect himself.

“And … how are _you_?”  

Even finally allowed himself to ask the question that had burned through him every day for the last two weeks.  Even though he knew an approximate answer to the question, Even hoped Isak would tell him something different.  He hoped he’d say he was doing just fine thanks.

No such luck.  Even got a reaction, this time, but not one he wanted.  Isak’s eyes blazed, briefly, as he met Even’s gaze with a look almost as incredulous as it was angry.  He almost snarled.

“What’s it to you?  You don’t care.”

Isak then brushed past Even and stormed out the door leading towards the exit.  For a moment, Even considered running after him.  He wanted to scream, to beg.  He wanted to yell that he did fucking care.  He cared so much that he was leaving himself wounded and bleeding internally just to try to keep Isak safe and happy.  Somewhere inside, however, Even knew it wasn’t going to work.  He knew Isak wouldn’t believe him.  He was, after all, the one who’d deliberately composed that text to convince Isak that he didn’t care.  It was his own stupid fault that Isak actually believed him.

Somehow, Even survived the rest of the day.  He made it through one class after another.  He sat with Irene and managed to talk to her relatively normally.  She smiled at him, nodded briefly as if respecting his wishes to pretend to be okay, but squeezed his hand once in acknowledgement.  Even had to turn away to hide his emotions when she did so.  Having someone on his side was too much when he was feeling so shit.

  


By the end of the day, Even was exhausted, so the last thing he wanted to do was meet up with friends.  However, Mikael was a particular breed of insistent, and that evening Even found himself sitting in his room, with his back against the ladder to his bed.  Mikael sat sprawled out against the wall under Even’s window, while strumming tunes on one of Even’s guitars.

Since Mikael was a terrible musician, the noises coming from the guitar were genuinely awful, and Even was actually laughing, feeling peaceful and easy in a way he hadn’t since … well, since Isak had stayed here that first night.  Even sighed, feeling the mournful nostalgia creeping in.  Of course, Mikael had to also be the world’s most observant friend, and he immediately put the guitar aside and nodded at Even.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“No.”

“Ah, come on, Even.  I can feel it in you, desperate to come out into the light.”  He scooted closer and patted Even’s knee in a patronising way.  “You can tell Uncle Mik; you know that.”

Even pushed him away.  “Asshole.”

Mikael looked at him and sat back with a sigh, leaning back against the wall again but this time with a considering look on his face.  “Look, buddy.  I know this is about that kid.  Sonja told me, you know.  She’s a bit fucked up about it, if I’m honest.”

“Great.  Now everyone’s mad at me.”

Mikael rolled his eyes.  “Jesus Christ, Even.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”  Mikael took a deep breath, and tried again.  “Just talk to me.  I know it all anyway and it might help.  Right?”

Even considered it.  He considered Mikael for a long moment, before thinking fuck it.  What did he have to lose, after all?  He was already as badly off as he could be, and talking might just help.

“Okay,” he said finally.  “Okay.”

They sat in silence for another minute, before Mikael gave an exaggerated sigh.

“Buddy.  Talking involves, you know … conversation.”

“Fuck off.  I’m trying to figure out what to say.”

“Would it be better if I asked questions?”

“I don’t know.”  Even shrugged, slightly irritated that Mikael knew him this well.  Questions … answering questions rather than coming up with his own ideas, did seem like it might be easier.  “Worth a try, I guess.”

Even pulled his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around them.  For some reason he felt vulnerable, and needed to protect himself.  He was so wrapped in his own head, that he startled a little when Mikael actually started talking.

“Okay.  So, what’s happening with that guy, then?”

“Isak.”  Even smiled a little, feeling his lips tugging upwards just thinking about Isak.  Which … Christ.  He was going to have to nip that in the bud if he had any hope at all of surviving this thing with any sort of self respect or happiness intact.  “I don’t know.  We had something, for a bit.  But his life’s so fucked up he didn’t need me making it worse.  So I …”

“You did your disappearing trick, did you?”  

There was a loving exasperation in Mikael’s voice which made Even squint in confusion.

“My disappearing trick?  What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means, my dear idiot, that you do this all the time.  You run away when people hit your weak spots.”

“I do not!”  Even thought for a moment, before adding, “do I?”

“Even,” Mikael said in the tones of a long suffering sidekick who had finally had enough of the protagonist’s shit.  Which, Even thought, was probably fair enough since Even was making this harder than it really needed to be.  “I’m going to guess what happened and you’re going to tell me how close I get to the truth, okay?”

Even nodded, warily.

“Okay, so.  He told you something.  Something that hurt you and you decided to go all ‘noble sacrifice’ on him.”

Even stared at him.  How the fuck could he know that?  “I … uh.   _How_?  How could you …?”

“Because, I know you think this is about protecting him -- and I’m sure some part of it is that.  But, you can be a right asshole, you know?  And I think if you look a bit harder at yourself, you’ll find that a big part of you is hurt, like fucking _ruined_ by whatever he said.  And you pulled away to protect yourself.”

Even huffed out a laugh which morphed into a sigh.

“What are you?  A fucking therapist?”

Mikael shrugged, giving Even his trademarked cheeky grin.  “No.  But you forget I know you, buddy.  You do this shit a lot.”

All the fight went out of Even and he slumped in dejection.

“He said he wished his mother was ‘normal’ so that he could have a ‘normal’ life.  Like … like her being sick makes her abnormal.  Like being mentally ill makes you abnormal.”  Even’s hands were shaking now, and he pressed his lips together to stop them from trembling.  “ _I’m_ not abnormal.”

“No.  You’re not.  You’re not, and if he can’t see that then fuck him.”

Mikael’s voice was fierce and he looked ready to fight Isak, and possibly the rest of the world, to protect Even’s honour.  Even shook his head, smiling at Mikael fondly.

“It’s not like that.  He doesn’t know.”

“Jesus, Even!”  The disapproval was almost visible, and Even shuddered, pulling his knees in even tighter to his chest.

“I know,” he said miserably.  “I was going to tell him.  I wanted to, but his mum … and then he’s got such a shit life.  He really doesn’t need my shit in all that too.”

“I think you’re being unfair.”

“I’m being unfair?  How?”

“It’s not for you to decide how much shit he has in his life.”

“No.  But I get to decide how much shit I need in mine.”

Mikael gave him The Look, the one that he’d perfected when they were younger and which he knew would always make Even wilt.  The one that said Even was being a stupid dickhead and needed to rethink his life choices.

“Is it really that shit?  Having him in your life?”

“No,” Even whispered, defeated.  “But it hurts a lot.”

“Yeah.  I guess it does.  The question is … is the hurt too much?”

And that was a question Even had no answer to.

  


What the conversation did do was make Even feel the shittiest he ever had about what this was all doing to Isak.  Now that he admitted he wasn’t just doing this to be the suffering martyr, saving Isak from a lifetime of pain and disillusionment, and recognised his own hurt, Even felt terribly about the way Isak now looked.  It was one thing to be sad and worried about him when you thought it was all for the best, but when you looked into your heart and saw your own bitterness looking back, well then you felt like a fucking asshole when you saw what it was doing to the boy you claimed to care about so much.

Suddenly, Even realised he didn’t want to be alone.  He didn’t want Isak to mope around school looking so terrible and unhappy.  He missed their conversations, and the easy way they chatted together.  He missed the kissing.  God, the kissing was amazing and now that it was gone, Even felt empty.  But it was more than that.  Even just missed Isak, missed his quirks, his openness, his vulnerability, his laughter, his joy, his sadness, his trust.  Owning up to his own feelings made Even realise that no matter the hurt, Isak _was_ worth it.  And that playing the martyr in a misguided desire to ‘help’ Isak had been exactly that ... _incredibly_ misguided.  He needed to set things right.  Somehow.

So Even drew a picture.  He wasn’t the greatest artists, leaning instead towards cartoons which poked fun at the world and shed light on the situations he found himself in.  Even would prefer to draw a true-to-life portrait of Isak, capturing everything he adored about him, but he was stuck with his cartoons, so he decided to go with it.  He’d find some way in them to bring to light everything he wanted to say to Isak in a way that would hopefully resonate with him a little.  The problem was, what should he show?  

Even remembered everything Isak had ever said, and one of his comments stuck with him.  Had in fact been whispering in his head ever since _that night,_ as he’d taken to calling it.  The idea of everything being better in a parallel universe was so tempting right now.  The idea that, somewhere, some Even hadn’t fucked this whole thing up so badly, made him hopeful.  So Even drew Isak a picture of that universe, hoping to get through to this Isak, the way he assumed alternate-Even had managed to do.  One side of the two panel drawing showed Isak alone and withdrawn, bags under his eyes and a miserable expression on his face.  The other panel showed Even and Isak together, sharing a toastie and laughing.  He captioned it, ‘in a another universe where we get to eat those toasties.’

What good the picture was going to do, Even wasn’t sure.  But he intended it as an overture, a way back in.  Something to say to Isak, ‘hey I’m thinking about you, and I hope you’re happy’ and if all it did was make Isak smile, well … that was enough.  For now.  It was all important to win back Isak’s trust.  That trust which Isak had once offered so willingly as a gift, but was now holding tight to his chest, wasn’t going to be easily won back.  That much was obvious from the way Isak had reacted when Even had tried to talk to him, but it would surely be worth the effort.  If Even could just manage it, and Even knew it would probably take a lot of time, energy and consistent perseverance to get through to Isak, but he was willing to give him that time.  If Even could just find a way to show Isak how much he meant, and to apologise for the way he’d behaved, then it would surely all be worth it.


	7. Isak

The first week was the worst.  After that one text, Even didn’t answer anything, and he never showed up at school.  Isak wasn’t sure if not seeing Even was the best possible outcome, or the worst.  He caught himself looking for him in the hallways and in the lunchroom, and Isak’s heart would drop every time it became obvious that Even wasn’t around.  None of the ways Isak could think of to reach out worked, either.  Not that Isak tried _ very _ hard.  The cold chills that sent icy tentacles through his body saw to that.  How could he have been so stupid?  It had seemed, for a few brief days, that Even was on the same wavelength as Isak.  That he wanted to be with him as much as Isak did, but it appeared Isak was wrong.  Again.  

The worst of it was that Isak couldn’t work out what he’d done so wrong.  He repeated the conversation over and over in his head but he couldn’t come to any conclusion.  Maybe … maybe the asshole Isak had sat next to had been right.  Maybe Even was just a flake, and Isak had made a huge mistake in choosing him over all the other people at school.

The thought sent a shaft of pain right through Isak’s body and he shook his head.  No.  No matter what else, Isak was sure that meeting Even and being with him even for that short a time had been the best thing that could happen to him.  Even had taught him to be more open to himself and while that fucking hurt right now, Isak couldn’t regret it.  He still couldn’t bring himself to tell his parents, or even Jonas and the others, but he knew it was a big thing for him to acknowledge to himself that yes, he liked boys rather than girls.  Whatever else, kissing Even had given him that surety, and that was worth something, right?  That was one thing Isak could salvage from this mess of a life he found himself in right now.

Still, the pain of having no answers weighed on Isak’s shoulders, pressing them down and making him curt and irritable with his friends.  He wished he could talk to them and tell them what was wrong.  But he couldn’t.  The idea of exposing himself in such a way made isak feel terrified.  He’d lost Even, he couldn’t face anything which could lose him his other friends as well.  Instead, he endured their teasing about Emma and how much she wanted him with as good a grace as he could muster, but he could never be particularly enthusiastic.  Even when they started ribbing him about how unenthused he seemed to be about ‘the hottest girl at school’ Isak couldn’t bring himself to pretend with any vigor.  He couldn’t bring himself to care any more.

 

Jonas cornered him one day.  He was waiting outside Bakka when classes finished for the day.

“What are you doing here?  Don’t you finish later?” Isak asked, confused.

Instead of answering the question, Jonas punched his arm, and said, “Isak, bro.  Come to mine and play some FIFA.”

“Uh … nah.  I … um...”

“That wasn’t a question, buddy.  You’re coming to mine.  You need to get out of that house, right?”

Isak sighed.  He knew Jonas in this mood, and he knew he wasn’t going to let Isak get out of it.

“I guess.”

Normally, Jonas would laugh at that.  It was Isak’s go-to phrase when he knew he was beat but didn’t want to admit it.  But this time, Jonas just pulled his lips in then smiled in a way that was too large and too bright to be real.  Isak groaned internally.

“Okay. Let’s go then.”

Jonas kept up the falsely cheerful chatter all the way home, and by the time they arrived Isak was feeling overwhelmed.  He knew he’d been off lately, knew he’d avoided his friends, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk about what was really wrong.  He also knew Jonas wasn’t going to be satisfied with banal platitudes.  Not today, not with him in this mood. 

They kicked their shoes off, grabbed some food and headed to Jonas’s bedroom.  Which was a really bad sign, because usually FIFA was a lounge activity and they stayed in public spaces while one or other of them kicked ass that day.  That they were going to be closed off meant that Jonas really was going to pry.  Sure enough, once they’d settled down, Jonas fixed Isak with a look.

“You want to talk about what’s going on with you?”

“No.”

“I’m worried about you, bro.  The boys are worried too, even though they don’t know you that well.  We can all tell something is up.”

“It’s nothing.  Honestly, Jonas.”

“Bullshit.”

Isak sighed, knew Jonas wasn’t going to give up, and that at this point he needed to say something to appease him.  So Isak decided to go with part of the truth.  The part that would expose him the least, the part that tended to generate sympathy rather than hostility when he talked about it.

“My mum’s pretty bad, okay.  She’s so … she’s in her moods all the time and I can’t sleep because I worry.”

Jonas’s face dropped, and his mouth screwed up in a way which looked suspiciously like he was trying to keep in emotion.

“Shit man, that’s not good.”  Jonas kicked Isak’s leg gently, a small point of contact saying he had Isak’s back in the only way he knew how.  Then he added, “have you talked to your father?”

Isak shook his head, refusing to look at his friend in case he accidentally showed something he wanted to keep tight to his chest.  “That’s a joke.  He’s such an asshole.”

“Not sleeping isn’t good, though.  That shit makes you sick.”

Staying in control of himself was becoming difficult, and Isak found himself snapping.  “I know.  I know, okay Jonas?  I can’t help it.”

Jonas sighed, deeply.  He didn’t react to isak’s hostility which made Isak feel like a fucking heel for lashing out at him.  He was just trying to be a good friend; he didn’t need Isak being an asshole to him.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, staring at the ground.

Jonas kicked his leg again.  “You know you can talk to me, right?  If you ever need to?”

Isak nodded, his throat tight with tears.  He did know that, but he also knew that Jonas wasn’t the person he wanted to talk to.  Because as great as Jonas was, he didn’t know everything and Isak couldn’t bring himself to tell him all the things he’d been hiding for so long.  All this conversation was doing was making Isak miss Even with an intensity that scared him.  Talking to Jonas was becoming a torture, and thankfully Jonas picked up on it.

“Okay.  So long as you know that.  Now it’s time for me to take you down.”

Isak forced another laugh.  “In your dreams.”

As they played, Isak tried to get himself fully immersed in the moment.  But his thoughts kept drifting to Even, his eyes kept betraying him, and his hands kept trembling.  So Jonas kept winning, and casting suspicious looks at him.  Isak had to keep pulling his mask on, and by the time they’d been playing for a couple of hours it was becoming exhausting.

“I’d better go,” Isak sighed eventually.  “Thanks for this, Jonas.  It’s been great.  But I do need to check on my mother.”

Jonas gave him a weird look, but nodded before giving him another punch on the arm.

“You’ll let me know if you need to get out again?”

Isak nodded.  “Yeah, I will.  Thanks.  It’s … it’s good to be away from her for a bit.”

Isak realised that despite how awkward certain things were when he was with Jonas, that was the truth.  The tension that sat on his shoulders, the fear that something might happen with his mother and he wouldn’t know what to do to fix it, was missing when he was here.  

  
  
  


Unfortunately, however, Isak had been wrong before.  The first week wasn’t the worst; the second week was  _ actually _ the worst.  Because now Even was back at school, and Isak couldn’t help but see him around.  He was constantly in the corner of Isak’s eyes, at the end of corridors and his laugh rang out through every room, his voice seeping into every corner of the school.  Worse, people were noticing that they didn’t spend time together anymore.

“Your little boyfriend dump your ass?” one kid sneered as he bumped past Isak in the hallways the first day.  “Don’t blame him.”

Isak flushed but carried on his way, head down and mouth set firmly to avoid saying something he’d regret back.  Unfortunately, it didn’t stop, and someone said something shitty to him almost every day.  The barbs stung, not least because they were true.  Isak remembered wishing people would notice that he liked boys when he had someone, but now he was rethinking that desire.  People had noticed, and now that things were so shit it was coming back to haunt him.  Isak had thought he had a boyfriend, and now he didn’t anymore, and it hurt.  It hurt more every time someone showed that they  _ had _ noticed, that it  _ had _ been a thing but now it was nothing.

So it was that Isak was in a foul mood already when he collided with Even outside the gym one day.  He hated the fact that his body reacted instinctively to Even’s when his hands curled momentarily on Isak’s chest before dropping.  He hated that his traitorous heart beat faster just from being this near to Even.  He hated that all he wanted in that moment was to curl up in Even’s arms and never let him go.

He dragged his eyes away from Even’s, and whispered a “hi” in response to Even’s cheerful “hey” -- spoken as if there was nothing wrong.  As if Even was perfectly happy and unaffected by any pain like the one that was stabbing Isak in the chest right now.  Isak pulled as much disdain onto his face as he could.  He couldn’t let Even see how much this meeting was affecting him.  They stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before Even spoke.

“You … uh.  How’s your mum?”

The words were so fucking kind that Isak almost fell apart.  He could feel himself closing down, feel the tears approaching, because why the fuck did Even have to be so damn nice all the time?  It would be easier if he was an asshole shithead who Isak could hate.

“She’s good.  Fine.  You know.”

Isak held his voice together through sheer determination, but he knew he had to get out of here.  Too much longer and Isak knew he would crack, which meant Even would see exactly how affected Isak was.

“And … how are  _ you _ ?”

The question was so filled with compassion and kindness that Isak could feel the tears brewing.  Then he was consumed with a fit of rage.  What right did Even have to act so fucking nice and caring when he clearly didn’t care at all?  

He looked Even right in the eyes when he said, “What’s it to you?  You don’t care,” pleased to note that his voice wasn’t shaking or hesitant, that in fact his rage was lending it weight and force.

Then Isak pushed past Even.  He made it to the safety of the street before he gave in to the shaking, and allowed himself to press his fingers to his mouth to prevent any sound from coming out.  Isak couldn’t control his knees which could hardly hold him up, and he couldn’t control the trembling of his hands, but he was damned if he was going to give anyone the pleasure of hearing him lose control.  

Eventually the shaking stopped, leaving Isak exhausted.  He hadn’t been lying to Jonas.  His sleep patterns had been fucked up ever since Even’s text, and he couldn’t see his way to sitting through any more classes so he made his way home.  Not that home was any better, really.  But at least at home, if he crept in quietly enough, he could lie down and lose himself for a while.  Maybe he could sleep, for once.  Maybe.

It didn’t work.  Oh, he got inside the house okay.  His mother was napping on the couch, so Isak was able to make it to his room unseen.  Unfortunately, as soon as he lay down, his thoughts started whirling again and his brain refused to shut off.  Sleep refused to come, again.  It wasn’t until close to three the next morning that he finally slid into an exhausted doze, only to wake three hours later to get ready for school.   
  


 

The week passed in much the same way -- Even appearing like clockwork on the edges of his life, and Isak ignoring him as studiously as he could.  He went through the motions, talking to people if they spoke to him, but not making any effort to reach out himself.  He avoided all communication, including texts from Jonas and the other boys, unwilling to listen to them talking about girls and their latest conquests or when the next party might be.  None of it mattered.  None of it appealed.

Isak slumped as he approached his locker on Friday morning.  He had to make it through one more day before he could hibernate in his bedroom and ignore the world.  He wrestled the locker open, and winced as a cascade of books fell out.  He got them back into the locker with a bit of a struggle, picked out the one he actually needed, then noticed a piece of paper on the floor.

Isak picked it up, then grimaced at it in confusion.  It was a simple line drawing with two panels.  One was obviously supposed to be Isak, with his cap on backwards and hair curling out underneath it.  It showed him as he felt right then - down, morose, alone.  The other showed him and someone who was obviously Even sharing food and laughing.  The title was ‘in a another universe where we get to eat those toasties.’  After a few moments, Isak could feel the smile creeping onto his face.  Which sucked, because he’d been trying to get over this damn thing.  And here Even was, telling him that in another universe they could be happy?  

Part of Isak was livid -- how  _ dare _ he use Isak’s source of comfort to … to attack him like this?  But another part of Isak was touched.  Even was thinking about him, and wishing for a better universe too.  That part of Isak still held out hope that when Even had said he needed time, that he actually meant it and that one day something could come of all this again.  That part of Isak was an asshole, he reminded himself.  Because Even had already had chances and hadn’t taken them, so there was no point at all in holding onto stupid hope.

  
  


After school, Isak headed towards his home, but the closer he got, the slower his steps became.  He realised he had no desire to go inside.  His mother might be fine, or she might not.  Today, Isak had no wish to find out.  The idea of her in either state just weighed him down.  He’d either have to look after her, or he’d have to be cheerful and play the happy son, the engaged member of the family.  Both things seemed too overwhelming right now.  

So Isak turned, and he headed back to the place he’d last turned to when he felt this way.  Talking to Even was unthinkable -- too painful.  Jonas was impossible -- still too focused on girls and partying.  Noora was out of the question -- too inquisitive and prying.  So Isak went back to the bar.   _ The _ bar.  The one Eskild had found him in the last time he felt this lost and out of his depth.  He managed to sneak in almost as easily as he had last time, which must be some sort of karma or symbol or something.  It clearly meant he should be here, that this had been the right decision.  At least, that’s what Isak told himself when he sat down and wondered what the fuck he was actually doing here.

A few hours, and several beers, later Isak was enjoying himself immensely.  He was pleasantly buzzed from the beers he’d managed to get people to buy him, and the music was almost tempting enough to dance to.  Isak was enjoying being held by one particularly good looking guy, who was looking down at him with an amused expression.

“He’s so pretty,” Isak said now, poking the guy in the arm to keep his attention.  “There’s no-one prettier.”

“Yeah, you already said that, buddy,” the guy said, amusement clear in his tone even through Isak’s fog.

Undaunted, Isak carried on.  “And he kisses … oh, his kisses are the best.”  Isak waved his hand around, trying to indicate a sublime experience, but just narrowly missing hitting the guy in the face.

“Isak?”  A voice boomed near his ear, and Isak spun around with a grin.

“Eskild!  Fancy meeting you here!”

“Not really.  You know your guru hangs out here.”

Eskild looked over Isak’s shoulder at the guy.  He raised his eyebrows, and asked, “is everything okay here?”

“He’s all yours, mate,” the guy said, pushing Isak towards Eskild.  “No fun at all.  Totally hung up on some guy, and he won’t shut up about him.”  He wandered away, presumably in search of some other, less obsessive, guy to spend some time with.

This reminded Isak, and he said, “Eskild.  You know Even?  He’s so pretty, isn’t he?”

“No, Isak.  I don’t know him, but I’m sure he’s very pretty.”

“The  _ prettiest _ , Eskild.  His eyes are like … like really blue.  And his hair is so swoopy …”

“Okay, my drunk little manchild, let’s get you home.”

This pierced Isak’s fog, and he dug his heels in.  “No.  I don’t want to go home.”

“I mean it, Isak.  You can’t stay here, and I’m not playing a repeat of last time I found you here.”

“No,” Isak shook his head, miserably.  “Home’s shit.  Not going there.”

Eskild sighed, managed to slide one arm around Isak’s back and started walking him towards the door.

“If I take you to my place, will you promise not to talk about this guy anymore?”

“Even!  Eskild, he’s so pretty!”

“So I hear, my cherub.  But how about you focus on walking and tell me all about this god among men tomorrow?  Hmmm?”

  
  


Isak woke the next morning with a splitting headache, and feeling stiff and uncomfortable.  He slitted open his eyes and immediately regretted it as the sunlight pouring into the room  hit his eyes and made him squint in pain.  His stomach lurched alarmingly when he tried to sit up, and Isak groaned.

“Ah, the beast awakens,” a cheerful voice said from near his feet.  

Isak raised his head and squinted in that direction, dropping his head quickly as pain lanced through it, but not before he saw who his tormenter was.  “Eskild.  What the fuck?”

“How much do you remember of last night, Isak?”

“All of it, thank you very much,” Isak huffed.  He flushed a little as he remembered just how much he’d gushed about Even to basically anyone who would listen.  

“You want to tell me more about this beautiful man of yours?”

Isak groaned and sank back against the pillow.  “Not mine.”

“Isak.  While I am your guru, and very good at it, I can’t claim to be able to read minds.  So please … take pity on my gay ass, and be a bit more clear.”

“He … he dumped me.”  Isak squirmed, refusing to look Eskild in the eye.  “Or, I think he did.”

Isak gasped when Eskild threw his arms around him and pulled him into his chest.  Isak pushed Eskild away, with a small laugh.  “Stop.  That’s just weird, Eskild.”

Eskild obligingly sat back, but he observed Isak with a small sad smile, before patting his knee.

“What do you mean, you think?”

Isak pulled out his phone and showed Eskild the text.  Eskild read it with a frown.

“Is this the guy who had a girlfriend?”

Isak blushed.  “Yeah.  But they broke up, before anything happened.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!”

“This is a bit odd, Isak.  He broke up with her?  For you?”  He waited until Isak had nodded, before continuing.  “But then he thinks it’s going too fast and he needs time?”

Isak nodded again.  

“I don’t know what to think.  But I do know you’re head over heels for him, and how pretty he is.”

Isak could feel his cheeks heating up again, and he dropped his gaze from Eskild’s.  

“I’m not … uh …”

“Oh, don’t worry.  It was cute.”

“Ugh, cute is gross.”

“No, it’s adorable.  Trust your guru.”  Eskild sat forward then, suddenly, and fixed Isak with a long stare.  “But you need to promise me something.”

“What?”

“You don’t jump back into whatever this is until you’ve talked to him.”

“I’m not going to …”

“Isak.  Trust me.  You’ll go running if he crooks his finger.  I’ve seen this before.  But you have to be sure.  Okay?”

“Okay,” Isak whispered, though he didn’t think Even would ever crook his finger.  And if he did, Isak wasn’t sure he wanted to go through it all again anyway.

“Okay.  So …”  Eskild suddenly looked nervous, and Isak blinked at him.  This was such a departure from his previous light hearted tone that it made Isak worry.

“So?”

“Your home life.”

“I’m not … it’s nothing.  Eskild, it’s no big deal.”

“It’s obviously a big deal if your sweet drunk ass refused to go home and instead let me bring you back here.”

“I just needed to be away from my mother for a bit.  It’s honestly not a big thing.”

“You know I’m here, right?  For all your guru needs, and there’s a bed here whenever you need it.”

“I know, Eskild.  Thanks.  But …”

“Look, Isak.  I know you’re not sleeping well.  Jonas told me; he’s worried by the way.  And Noora said you haven’t called any of the girls in weeks.  It’s not … it’s not good to isolate yourself, you know?”

“I didn’t … I wasn’t …”

“I know, maybe when you were with this Even you felt like you didn’t need anyone else.  But there comes a time when maybe, the right thing to do is to talk to someone.  A friend.  Or a guru.  Just … think about it okay?”

Isak nodded, swallowing the lump that had lodged itself in his throat.  Eskild patted his knee one final time, then stood and headed in the direction of the door.

“You have a shower, and then we’ll get you some food, okay?”

“Eskild?”

Eskild looked over at him.  “Mmmm?”

“Can you not tell people?  About Even?  And me?  I just don’t …”

“Of course.  Your secret’s safe with me.  But honestly, I think if you wanted to say something … I think they’d be okay.  And talking might help, a bit.”

  
  
  


Isak let a few days pass before it all got too much.  His mother was no better, her moods getting more and more erratic as the days went by.  School was torture, too, with Isak focused on his grades so much that he barely did anything other than look at books and lie in bed trying to sleep.  He became even more irritable, snapping at anyone who tried to talk to him, and alienating the other students even more than he already had.  Without Even there to listen to his deepest secrets, Isak found himself desperate to talk, but with no outlet.  Eskild’s words whirled around and around in his mind, and Isak knew he was right.  But it was hard.  He changed his mind every few minutes.  He was fairly sure Jonas wouldn’t care; he’d known him for so long and never known him to be homophobic.  But the idea of actually telling him, for real and out loud, made Isak’s insides turn to ice because what if he didn’t take it well?  What would happen then?  But then, the desperation to have someone know … to be able to just talk to someone about Even and everything that had happened, would win out.  Besides, with no Even to talk to, Isak knew he needed to find someone else, and reconnecting with his oldest friend seemed impossible if he was keeping such a huge part of himself from Jonas. Eventually, with Eskild’s words still running around in his head, Isak decided he needed to talk to his best friend, and that he should rip it off, like a bandage.  It would either be fine, or it wouldn’t, and no amount of thinking it through would change that fact.

He waited for Jonas outside Nissen, hoping he could find him without either Magnus or Mahdi.  Luckily, Jonas was alone when he emerged.  He stopped in shock when he saw Isak.

“Hey, man.  What’s up?” he asked as he got closer.

“Do you want to grab kebab or something?  I just …” Isak sighed.  “I need some time out.”

“Yeah, sure.  Let me just get my bike.”

They walked together, talking of inconsequential things until they had their kebabs and were settled in a nearby park.  Then Isak took a deep breath, and said, “Jonas?”

“Hmmm?”

“I need … I uh, I want to tell you something.”

Jonas looked at him, his brows drawn together in confusion, but he nodded encouragingly.

“You know how you think there’s been something up with me?”

“Yeah, the shit with your mum.”

“Well yeah. But more than that.”

“More?”

“I … um.  I…”  

Isak shifted in his seat.  Now that it was here, it was harder than he’d thought.  Isak stuttered to a halt, and cast a beseeching look at Jonas, who just shrugged his shoulders in confusion.  Isak couldn’t do it.  He stood up and walked away, unable to bring himself to say the things he wanted to say to his friend.

“Isak!  Hey, Isak!”

Jonas was puffing as he caught up with Isak, and grabbed his arm to pull him around to face him.

“Isak.  What the fuck is wrong with you?  It can’t be that bad, so just tell me.”

Jonas looked so earnest, all traces of laughter gone and a look of concern on his face.

“Isak.  I promise.  Whatever it is, I won’t care.”

Isak nodded, finally.  He puffed out his cheeks and looked at the ground.  It was all he could so not to shuffle his feet in discomfort.  “I like someone,” he whispered.

“But, how is that bad?  Is she like a psycho or something?”

Isak shook his head and kept his eyes lowered.  “No, it’s not like that.  It’s …” 

He finally looked up at Jonas, trying to see what he was thinking.  Jonas still looked baffled, and the look on his face made Isak laugh briefly, a short huff that was barely amused, but it broke the tension.  And finally Isak felt like he could just say it.  Even so, Isak held his gaze on Jonas’s face as he said, “it’s not a girl.”  He needed to see how he would react, how disgusted he would be.  Jonas just nodded, as if this made sense.  Isak blew out his breath in a relieved rush.  It was done.  

“Who is it?”

“You don’t know him.  He goes to Bakka with me.”

“Will I get to meet him?”

“I don’t think so.  I don’t think … I don’t think he wants me back.”

To his horror, the relief Isak was feeling was threatening to spill out in tears, particularly now that they were talking about Even.

“Well, he’s blind and an idiot if that’s the case,” Jonas said, the outrage in his voice so sincere that Isak actually laughed, though it choked off into a hiccuping sob.

Isak’s phone buzzed, and he reached into his pocket to pull it out, grateful for the excuse to look away from Jonas.  An odd crinkling brushed his fingers as he touched the phone and Isak frowned.

“What’s that?” Jonas asked with interest as Isak opened the paper.

“It’s from Even,” Isak said, unable to hide the smile that appeared when he saw the two panels.  One showed Even lying alone in his bed, the other showed the two of them cuddled together.  The caption this time was ‘in a better universe’ and Isak felt his heart clenching.  

Jonas smiled at him, “that’s his name, is it?”

“Yeah.  Yeah it is.  He’s … it’s complicated.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No, not really.”

Jonas nodded once in understanding, then indicated with his head that they should get going.

“You want to go play some games?”

“Yeah,” Isak said.  For once he meant it.  He felt happier, more carefree, and he actually did want to hang out with Jonas.  Now that he knew, Isak found himself actually keen to talk, really talk, with his best friend.  Not about Even, not yet.  But all the things he’d had to be so careful with in case he let something slip … those things were no longer an issue.  There was nothing left to hide. “Yeah, I do,” Isak said.

  
  
  


Friday night found Isak with Jonas and his friends for the first time in a long while.  They were, as usual, chatting about girls and conquests, and Isak was, as usual, uninterested.  The conversation swirling around him was boring and unappealing.  The difference tonight was that Jonas knew he wasn’t keen on this talk, and kept sending him wry glances whenever Magnus went off on his rambling tirades about the latest girl he hadn’t quite managed to sleep with.  So, despite the fact that Isak should have been bored and alienated, he felt welcomed and accepted.

“... and then she just left!”  Magnus was saying, his voice puzzled and his eyes wide.  “Why would she do that?”

“Because you’re too desperate, Magnus.  We keep telling you.”  Isak laughed a little as Magnus’s eyes slid in his direction.

“You!  Isak, you’re good at this stuff.  How do you get girls to … to want to be with you?”

Isak sat back with a smirk.  “I’m not desperate, that’s how.”

Jonas nudged him, and cast encouraging looks in the direction of the others.  Isak sighed.  Jonas was right -- this was a perfect time to tell them.  He was unlikely to get a better opening, but he was a little worried.  As nice as these guys seemed, Isak didn’t know them very well.  They might be cool, but they just as easily might not be.  And they were good friends to Jonas now; if Isak told them and they reacted badly then his contact with his best friend might diminish.  He tried to communicate all this to Jonas with his eyebrows, but they weren’t working today.  Instead, Mahdi noticed and poked Jonas.

“What is going on?  Why the cryptic eyebrow wiggling?”

“Isak?”  Jonas asked, clearly implying that Isak should just say something, but not insisting.  Jonas had made it clear during the week when they’d broached the idea of letting the others know, that it would be Isak’s choice if he decided to do it.

Isak shrugged, giving in.  “You guys … you know how I’ve been a bit weird lately?”

Magnus laughed.  “I thought that was just how you were.  Isn’t that the way he usually is?”  

He turned to Jonas and raised his brows.  Jonas shrugged, and smiled.  Isak glared at him.

“What does that mean?  Jonas?  I’m  _ not _ usually this way.”

“You kind of are a little bit, buddy.”

“Whatever.”  Isak felt disgruntled, but managed to brush it off.  He took a deep breath, thinking this was it.  Jonas was here, he was on his side and wasn’t going to leave Isak hanging if all of this went to shit.  There would be no better time to do it.  So Isak spoke.  

“Anyway … I … um.  I met someone.  That’s why I was a bit … not around.”

The boys stared at him for a moment, trying to piece what they knew of Isak with this new information, with the idea that Isak might just care enough about someone that he’d give up the easy hookups he was so good at.  Magnus recovered first, looking excited.  “Oooh.  Is it that Emma?  She’s so fucking hot, man.  I’d bang her, for sure.”

Isak felt a surge of irritation.  Magnus was so … so fucking obsessed with girls, and with Emma that he’d never get it.  How on earth were they able to get so close to the right idea, and yet fail so completely at understanding who Isak was?  So it was that he snapped out his information without really thinking.

“Magnus, it’s not fucking Emma, okay?  It’s not a girl.”

The room went silent, Magnus and Mahdi staring at him with open mouths.  Shit, Isak thought.  Shit shit shit.  He hadn’t meant to just blurt it out like that.  What the hell would they think of him now?

Mahdi’s eyes went wide.  “Did you just say …?”

Isak took a deep breath, before he answered.  The only way through now was bravado; he couldn’t let them see that he was actually feeling weak and vulnerable.  So he faced Mahdi down and looked him right in the eye.

“Yeah.  yeah, I did.  Is that a problem?”

“No.  Dude, of course not.  It’s just a surprise.  You hook up with girls all the time.”

“Are you gay then?”  Magnus asked, his eyes alight.  “I’ve never met a gay person before.  Can I ask some questions?”

“Jesus Christ, Magnus.  No you can’t.”

But behind the irritated front, Isak was bubbling.  They knew, and they didn’t care, or rather they did care but in a way that was accepting if misguided.  This was all going to be okay.  He felt himself relaxing.

“Anyway,” Jonas added, “you know Eskild.  He’s gay.”

“He’s gay too?  What the fuck?  How didn’t I know that?”

“Oh my god,” Mahdi moaned.  “What’s wrong with you?”

Magnus looked offended.  “There’s nothing wrong with me.  I just didn’t know something; why’s that bad?”

Isak laughed then, finally relaxing fully.  “It’s not bad.  I’m just not telling you any of that stuff.  Use Google like normal people.”

“Who is this guy anyway?”  Mahdi asked.  

“His name’s Even.  He goes to my school.”

Isak still couldn’t keep the soft smile off his face whenever he said Even’s name or thought about him.  In these circumstances that was a pain in the ass because Even didn’t want him back and every time Isak felt himself melting over Even, it was another reminder that things were never going to be the way he wanted them.  He sighed, allowing the smile to fade.

“Is this why you’ve been away so much?”

“Not just that.  But a bit, yeah.”

“Wait,” Magnus yelled suddenly.  “Is this the guy?  You know, from Eva’s party?  When you left to see your mother?  The one who was sitting with you?”

Isak blushed, remembering that night and all the giddy happiness that went with it.  His heart dropped as he remembered.  “Yeah,” he said, nodding.

“I fucking knew it.  I knew that wasn’t normal.  Didn’t I say that wasn’t normal?”

“Magnus,” Mahdi groaned again.  “Stop saying things like that.”

Magnus blinked at him in confusion.  “What?  Normal?”  He gasped, and turned to Isak with an apologetic grimace.  “I didn’t mean that.  I mean …”

“It’s okay, we know what you meant,” Isak said with a grin.  Despite the pain he felt when he thought about Even, he still felt almost dizzy with the relief of these guys accepting him so easily and so thoroughly.

“Soooo … what’s it like?  Are you, like, banging him?”

“Magnus!”

Isak could feel his face falling again, and tried to catch it before any of the others noticed, but unfortunately Jonas was watching.

“Isak.  You need to stop letting him play you.”

“He isn’t playing me.  What the fuck?”

“Look at you.  You’re a mess right now, and all because this guy is fucking around with you.”

“‘Fucking’ like banging?” Magnus asked eagerly.

“No, idiot.  Like … keeping him on a string.”

“He’s not.  I’m not …”

“One little picture, and you’re a gooey mess, when five minutes before you were raging with anger?  Yeah, you’re totally on a string.  You need to tell him straight up to stop messing with you.  He either talks to you, or he stops this shit.”

Isak stared at Jonas in surprise.  It … actually made sense.  He was thinking of Even when he hadn’t wanted to, when he’d wanted to move on.  The tiny sliver of hope that ‘needing time’ gave him hurt more than he’d ever thought it could.  Perhaps Jonas was right, perhaps he needed to make a clean break.  But to do that he had to tell Even to stop.

“Okay then, smart guy.  How do I do it?”

“Send him a text.  ‘Stop sending me pictures dude’ - like that.”

“Seriously? ‘Stop sending me pictures, dude’?  That makes me sound like an asshole.”

“Well, not exactly that.  But something similar.”

So Isak took a breath and looked down at his phone.  What did he want to say?  What did he want to get out of this?  There was a part of him that wanted Even out of his life forever, but there was another part which  _ wanted _ him to crook his finger, that wanted to run back to him, to go back to the way they had been.  This text would set the tone for the future, so what did Isak want?

_ Please stop sending pictures if you don’t want anything.  Either talk to me or stop playing games  _

The conversation of the others swirled around him again, but Isak was focused on his phone.  A few seconds later it lit up with an incoming message.  His heart beating faster, Isak stared at it for a long time before swiping and allowing himself to read the message.

_ Where are you?  Can we talk now? _


	8. Even

It was blisteringly cold that week.  Snow blanketed everything, and the cold wind whistled through even the warmest of clothing no matter how layered.  It suited Even’s mood perfectly.  He felt like everything around him was falling apart and there was nothing he could do to put any of it back together.  The freezing weather echoed in his heart and allowed him to feel sorry for himself in a way that didn’t require too much effort, a way that didn’t require him to face just how effectively he’d fucked up his life this time.  

The pictures he’d been sending Isak were having no effect at all, as far as he could tell, and Even was slowly resigning himself to the idea that he’d managed to ruin the one good thing remaining in his life.  He had no girlfriend, no boyfriend, and no prospects of having either of them in the near future.  Not that he wanted Sonja as a girlfriend, but there were days when he missed her intensely.  He missed her sense of humour and her charm, her casual knowledge of the last four years of his life.  He missed having her as a friend, and it hurt that he was the one to blame for losing all that.  Remembering everything they’d lost made him feel bleak, and while that felt right as it reflected back at him through the chilled air and biting frosts, it hurt like hell.

It was while Even was in this mood that he bumped into Sonja while shopping one day.  Her face went through a complicated series of emotions when she spotted him, and Even’s heart lurched.  Her pain was yet another shining example of his ability to fuck up royally, which meant he owed it to her to be as pleasant as he could despite wishing himself miles away from whatever awkwardness was bound to occur here and now.

“Hi,” Sonja said, coming to a stop a few feet away from him.

“Hi.  Um … how are you doing?”  Even winced.  It was so cliche, so banal.  Once upon a time they’d talked about anything and everything, been as close as two people can be, and now they were reduced to stilted conversations outside shops as their breath misted in the air around them.  

“Good.  I’m good.  I left that job, you know?  Trond became too much of an asshole, too flirty, so I moved.”

“That’s great, Sonja.  I know that place was shitty for you.”

“Yeah.”  She looked at him carefully.  “What about you?  How are you doing?”

It was clear she didn’t mean the general chitchat around school and social life.  She meant how he was emotionally, how he was coping with his illness.  Even winced again.  She’d always been able to tell, to notice when things were starting to change with him.

“I’m … I think I’m getting close.  I can feel myself getting more ... you know?”

“I do know.  You’re looking after yourself, though?”

“Yeah.”  He stuck his hands in his pockets and shrugged his shoulders forward.  “The meds are keeping it lowkey.  It’s … I think it’s okay.  For now at least.”

“Good.  That’s good.”

She opened her mouth like she was going to say something else, but then thought better of it.  Instead she looked at him carefully for a long moment.

“Are you still seeing … you know …”

“Isak?  Nah.  I fucked it up.”

Sonja raised one surprised eyebrow.  “Oh,” she said, and there was an entire conversation in that one syllable.  

Even nodded, resigned, acknowledging everything she was saying.

“You should tell him.  Soon.  Now.”

Even laughed, the sound bitter in the frosty air.   Of course she knew him well enough to know he hadn’t yet told Isak.  “If he’ll ever speak to me again, I will.”

Sonja smiled, acknowledging the statement.  They stood in silence for a few more moments before she spoke again.

“Well, it was nice seeing you, Even.  You look … you look well.”

She started to move away, and Even called her name.  She looked back at him, her eyes filled with questions.

“Do you maybe want to get a coffee sometime?  You know, like friends do?”

Sonja smiled at him.  “Maybe, yeah.  But … not just yet.  In a few weeks, ask me again.”

“Okay,” he said, relieved and thankful that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t completely fucked that up forever.  “Okay.  Take care, Sonja.”

She nodded at him once more, then turned on her heel and scurried off, disappearing into the crisp cold air as if she had never been there at all.  Even felt all the loneliness pouring in on him again.  Seeing Sonja had been good, but it did remind him just how isolated he now was.

  
  


The days passed, and Even managed to get himself through them.  By Friday he was exhausted, but proud of himself.  He hadn’t collapsed into any sort of puddle just because Isak was ignoring him.  And okay, so the pictures weren’t doing anything, except maybe (hopefully) putting a smile on Isak’s face.  If they’d done that, then they’d served their purpose even if Even had hoped for more.  By Friday, then, Even had assumed he’d totally ruined it forever, so he wasn’t expecting the text notification that finally lit up his phone.  He’d resigned himself to losing all contact with Isak, sliding one last picture into his locker that day before determining to give up forever.  But here it was, a notification lighting up his phone with Isak’s name.  Even’s hands shook as he opened the message and read it.

_Please stop sending pictures if you don’t want anything.  Either talk to me or stop playing games_

Even’s breath tightened in his throat, and his heart started racing.  He zeroed in on the most important part.   _Talk to me._ Here was what Even had wanted for what seemed like forever: a connection, communication from Isak, an opening.  Something which said that he might still feel the same way he had before.  Something which might suggest he forgave Even for running away like a fucking coward.  But there was something behind the rest of the words.  They didn’t sound like Isak usually did, and Even felt a cold hand squeezing his heart.  He felt like he was on the edge of something, and his next steps were going to set the course of this thing.  It felt ominous, like he could lose everything on one toss of the dice.  Which was a little bit melodramatic, Even admitted to himself -- Mikael would roll his eyes hard if he heard Even’s thoughts right now.  And yet, he couldn’t shake the feeling.  

Still, it was an opening, so maybe if he asked to speak to Isak they could work this thing out.  One way or the other, this could be resolved, and soon.  So, with shaking hands, and with dread and hope mixed together in his heart, Even sent a text.

_Where are you?  Can we talk now?_

It wasn’t eloquent, it wasn’t a beautiful message of eternal love.  There was no flowery confession.  But Even didn’t think Isak would go for that sort of thing anyway.  He liked direct and simple.  He liked to know exactly where he stood.  One of the things that bothered Isak the most was when he couldn’t make things make sense.  Even his parallel universe theory, which on the surface seemed fanciful and a little whimsical, actually offered stability and comfort.  It made sense of the immenseness of everything.  It made the uncertain somewhat certain.  Isak liked certainty.  He liked direct and straightforward.  He liked knowing things, rather than wondering.  So Even wasn’t surprised when Isak’s response was similar to his own.  

_I’m at home, chilling_

Even laughed.  Straight to the point.  That was just so perfectly … Isak.  Even’s next move still seemed uncertain, but there was a message there.  Isak was home.  Even could go to his house.  There was little room for ambiguity, there.  And yes, okay, Even _could_ call Isak, but he wanted to see him, be face to face when they talked about things.  There had been too much emptiness between them, too much space between seeing and talking for Even to be comfortable any way other than in person.  There was too much at stake, too much being risked, for Even to allow the possibility of miscommunication.

So, instead of answering, Even made his way to Isak’s place.  It wasn’t far, just a short bike ride from where he had been hanging out, contemplating life in splendid solitude.  And okay, he’d also been having some weed where his parents couldn’t see it and get the concerned, worried, we-won’t-interfere-but-you-should-be-careful looks on their faces, but that just helped in the life-contemplation stakes.  

Leaving immediately meant it took mere minutes for Even to arrive, not quite long enough for the butterflies to set up permanent residence in his stomach, but also not long enough for him to mellow into an affectation of casual interest the way he desperately wanted to.

Even took a deep, steadying breath and rang the doorbell.  He knew it must only have taken minutes, if not seconds, but the time between ringing that bell and the door opening seemed to stretch out for weeks.  It was long enough for Even to go through every single emotion he could.  From nervousness (what if Isak refused to talk to him?  Why had he come here?) through nausea (oh God, he was going to yell, wasn’t he?), through cautious hope (but he might be pleased to see Even?  Right?) and back again to nerves.

When the door finally opened, Isak stood framed in the doorway, lit from the back by the hallway light and looking so fucking stunning that Even could hardly breathe.  But Isak also looked wary, shy.  He looked like he might just shut the door again and run away.  Even shifted nervously, trying to work out what Isak wanted.  Did he want Even to leave?  Or did he want him to stay?  His face was so closed it was impossible to get a read on it.

“Hi,” Even said eventually, when it became obvious that Isak wouldn’t speak.

“Hey,” Isak replied.  His voice was hesitant, unsure, and Even’s heart plummeted again.  He really had ballsed this up big time.  He shuffled his feet, intending to say sorry and leave Isak alone.

Then something shifted in Isak’s eyes and he pulled Even into a hug.  Which … that wasn’t how he’d expected this to go at all.  In exactly none of his imaginary scenarios had this been a possible outcome.  Even was so startled that it took several long seconds before he wrapped his own arms around Isak.  In fact, Isak had started to pull back before he did so and that made Even squeeze harder.  He buried his feelings in Isak’s hair, along with his hands, and tried to pour everything into him through his fingertips.  

Finally, Isak drew back, letting Even go reluctantly, his hands lingering on Even’s arms and making him shiver.  “Come in,” he said.  “The boys …” he coughed, pulling his gaze from Even’s before flicking his eyes back up again.  It had the same effect on Even that it had all those weeks ago when he’d first done it, setting fire to his chest and stealing his breath.  “The boys are here, and they want to meet you.”

Even swallowed.  This was … this was pretty huge.  He knew these guys, particularly Jonas, meant a great deal to Isak, and he knew that if Even was being permitted to meet them that this was a big deal.

Isak was looking at him, waiting.  Waiting for Even to answer, waiting for him to make a decision.  Waiting for him to prove he meant it this time.  It was obvious to Even that nothing was going to happen until Isak felt safe and comfortable again.  It was equally obvious that he wasn’t there yet.

“Okay,” Even whispered, accepting the terms.

Isak led him through to the kitchen where the others were sitting at the table surrounded by beer and stale fumes.  As one they turned to look at the two of them.  It was a bit creepy, actually, reminding Even of pod people movies and … shit, that idea was _not_ helping.

“Hey guys.  This is …” Isak waved his hand in Even’s direction, a faint blush staining his cheeks.  “This is Even.”

“Hi,” they all chorused, emphasising the pod people image and not helping Even’s nerves at all.

Isak hovered awkwardly by the door, with Even slightly behind him, for several moments before one of the other guys spoke up finally.

“Since Isak is being a rude little shit, looks like it’s up to me to make introductions.”  He stood and held his hand out to Even, saying, “I’m Jonas.  That’s Magnus and Mahdi.”  The others nodded in turn as their names were spoken, and Even filed them away.  

Magnus seemed fascinated by him, staring openly and occasionally casting looks at Isak too, while Mahdi appeared much more wary.  Jonas himself was casting appraising glances at Even as he sat down again, reminding him that he had, in fact, fucked up, and that this was quite possibly some sort of test.

Mahdi pushed a chair out next to him and indicated with his head that Even should sit.  He did so, and that seemed to spur Isak to action, as he dropped into the only other chair, which coincidentally was next to Even’s.  The space was so small that Isak’s leg ended up pressed against Even’s, and it was all Even could do not to react.  Out of the corner of his eye, Even noticed Isak give a tiny smile and flick a glance in his direction.  He relaxed a little and let his eyes reflect the fondness he felt, hoping Isak would get it.

After that, being near Isak was torture, and Even was 99% sure that this torture had been arranged by the guys on purpose.  Hands brushed hands, sending electrifying sparks racing away from the points of contact.  Legs bounced against each other, making Even jolt every time.  Eyes met in short meaningful glances from under eyelashes in the way that had always made Even’s composure disappear, and through it all Even’s heart was thumping a steadily increasing beat as each new moment sent a bolt of energy right through him.  

He loved being here, he loved being with Isak, he loved hanging out with his friends, he loved seeing this new side of him.  Isak was relaxed and chatty, open and happy in a way that Even had rarely seen him.  It twisted something in his heart to realise that this was Isak as he was in his natural environment, and that much of what he’d been seeing over the last few weeks was a different Isak, a lonelier, less happy Isak.

The conversation flowed effortlessly around him, but Even took very little part, choosing instead to learn a little about these guys who meant so much to Isak.  What they said was irrelevant to what Even wanted -- he wanted to know who these guys were, so he watched the interactions.

Jonas took the lead often, directing what they talked about and for how long, while Mahdi and Magnus were content enough to follow his lead, though occasionally shifting into one or two side conversations which usually involved girls and bathrooms.  Isak wasn’t the most vocal, his contributions being more sly wit or bantery sarcasm whenever one of the others said something ridiculous enough to warrant it, his laugh ringing out each time he got a barb in.  Even found himself falling a little more in love every time it happened.  Which … woah, that was a big thought.  He filed it away for later investigation.

Jonas eventually shook his empty beer can and sighed.  “Well, that’s done then.  We’re officially out of beer so this will officially become a very sad little party.”

“I can get some more,” Even said quickly.  “I have some at home, and I can go back and get it.”

“You’d do that?”  Magnus looked shocked, staring at Even as if he was some sort of museum exhibit.  Mahdi, too, looked taken aback.  Only Jonas seemed to keep his composure.

“Yeah.  Why not?”  Even was confused.  It seemed natural: he had beer, they wanted beer.  Why not put the two things together?

“Ignore them,” Isak said quietly.  “They’re used to Eskild who always refuses to get anything for anyone unless there’s something in it for him.”

“Oh, there’s something in it for me,” Even said, winking at Isak who rolled his eyes before blushing and turning away.

“I’ll come with you, okay, Even?”  Jonas said, cutting in quickly.  “Help you carry.”

It was phrased as a suggestion, but Even could tell it was meant as a very heavy hint that he wanted to talk to Even alone.  He nodded, cautiously.

They set off along the street in silence, Even with his hands shoved in his pockets and Jonas with his held stiffly at his sides.  The biting cold reminded Even of his very awkward conversation with Sonja, and he laughed a little, wondering if all his difficult conversations were going to take place in frigid temperatures.

“You want to get this over with?”  Even asked eventually.

“Get what over with?”

“Whatever it is you want to say to me.”

Jonas laughed, and squinted up at him.  “You’re pretty perceptive.”

Even shrugged and quirked his eyebrow at Jonas, who nodded.

“Okay.”  he took a breath, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground and not looking at Even.  “Isak’s my bro, okay, and I don’t like what you did to him.”  He looked up now, and his expression was fierce, protective.

Even nodded, understanding.  “I know it was shitty.  I had reasons, but they don’t amount to anything but a pile of excuses, and trust me -- my friend Mikael has told me pretty much everything I did wrong already.  I’m … I came here to apologise to Isak, if he’ll let me.”

“I’m sure you mean well, Even, but …”

“And you know,” Even carried on, cutting Jonas off which earned him a grimace and a sour look.   “There are always two sides to every story.  It’s been complicated with us, and no offence but I think it’d be better if I talked about this with Isak rather than you guys.”

“Okay.”  Jonas nodded.  “Okay.”

They walked on in silence for a while, each sunk in his own thoughts.  Jonas was chewing his lip when Even slid a glance sideways at him.

“I promise, I’ll do whatever he wants.  If he tells me to fuck off, then I’ll fuck off.  I just … it seems wrong to talk about this with someone else before I say it to him.”

Jonas gave him one long considering look before nodding.  “Okay.  You’ll do.  Just don’t fuck up again.”

“I fucking knew this was a test,” Even muttered to himself, but not quietly enough to prevent Jonas from hearing.  He laughed and shoved Even with his shoulder, before walking on and changing the subject to favourite video games.

By the time they had collected their supplies and got back to the flat, the other boys were restless.  Magnus made grabby hands at the beer, and Mahdi lit up with a striking grin.  Jonas, however, had other ideas.

“Sorry guys, but we need to go … elsewhere.”

“Elsewhere?”  Mahdi looked confused for a moment before his eyes brightened and he grinned, looking between Isak and Even with a knowing smile.

Magnus just gaped at Jonas.  “Why?  There are new beers here.  We don’t need to go anywhere else.”

“Yeah, we really do,” Jonas said, already hustling them towards the door and collecting their shoes.

“You can take the beer,” Even said.  “Here.”  He pushed the cans he was holding into Magnus’s arms.

“I fucking love you, man,” Magnus said.  :”Isak, can you please keep this one around?”

Jonas grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the door before he could say anything else, for which Even was grateful.  He wasn’t sure how Isak was going to take this, and Magnus’s comments could quite possibly hinder rather than help his cause.

Isak, for his part, looked dumbfounded at the commotion around him, but he collected himself enough to say goodbye to the others as they disappeared around the door with Magnus still complaining.

Even stayed out of it at that point, leaning against a wall as far out of the way as he could get.  When the others were finally outside and Isak had turned to him looking uncertain again, he held his hand out.

“I’m sorry,” he said when Isak took it.  “I was a shithead.”  He twined their fingers together, and added, “I hope you can forgive me sometime.”

“I just want to know why.”

Even sighed, and drew Isak closer, giving in to his desire to rest his cheek on Isak’s hair and breathing out a huff of relief when Isak didn’t pull away, though he held himself quite rigid.  “I want to tell you, but it’s fucking scary.”

“I thought we could talk about anything?”

There was accusation in the voice, and a question -- why didn’t Even let them talk it through before?  Why did he walk away?  Why break Isak’s heart?

“Yeah.  We can.”  Even sighed again, trying to figure out how to say this.  “It’s just this could be a dealbreaker and I didn’t want to lose you.”

Isak pulled back a little.  “You wouldn’t lose me.”

“You say that now.  But you didn’t see how everyone was, when they knew …”

“How everyone ...?  Oh!  Do you mean all the rumours about you being ‘crazy’?”  

He did air quotes with his fingers, and smiled suddenly, a shy grin which indicated he'd realised something lighting up his eyes.  Even smiled himself at this new confirmation that Isak thrived on knowledge.  New knowledge made Isak feel alive, and now he’d just put it all together; Even could see it happen.  But he still needed the acknowledgement.

“You knew?”

“Well, I don’t know everything, and the gossip is out of control.  But I know something happened last year.  I know it has something to do with you repeating.  I also know it has no bearing on who you are as a person, so I didn’t want to pry.”

Even smiled slightly.  “People have been busy, I see.  But you’re wrong; it has a lot of bearing on who I am as a person.”  He took another deep, steadying breath, looked down at Isak and said, “I have bipolar disorder.  It does … it does change how I am sometimes.”

Isak smiled and wrapped his arms around Even’s waist, pressing his nose into Even’s neck in a way that was entirely too distracting for this conversation.  “Thank you for telling me.”

“You can kick me out if you want.”   _Please please don’t kick me out_ , the thought banged around in his head despite knowing it was probably Isak’s best option.

“Why exactly would I want to do that?”

“Why wouldn’t you?  I was horrible to you, and I probably deserve it.”

Isak rolled his eyes, and shook his head, his “no, you don’t” adamant.

Even smiled, but sobered quickly.  “You heard the rumours; I’m sure they made it sound really exciting.  But it’s not exciting.  I’m told it’s pretty horrible to watch, and you have … I know mental illness isn’t easy for you.”

Isak looked up at him, his eyes glistening.  “Even.  You’re not my mother.  She’s … she doesn’t get help, and it’s not her illness that’s my problem.  It’s that I have to be the one to care for her when that’s not my job.”

“But …”

“ _I_ get to decide,” Isak said fiercely.  “ _I_ get to say if I want to … to know you, to …” he blushed, looking away briefly before looking Even in the eye, “... to be with you, if that’s what you want.”  

“It’s what I want,” Even said, and he couldn’t help the burst of painful delight that coursed through him when Isak smiled at that.  

“Then, I say we just try it.  See where it takes us,” Isak said, then dropped his eyes and added in an undertone which Even barely picked up, “and fuck Jonas and his stupid strings.”

Even considered Isak carefully, taking in his intensity, the truth in his expression, the trust in his eyes.  He drowned in that look for several seconds before he nodded.

“Okay,” he whispered.  “Only if you’re sure.”

In answer, Isak reached up and kissed Even.  It was like falling back into bed after a long day of exhausting work.  It felt right, natural, blissful.  Even let out a soft moan as Isak’s hands buried themselves in his hair and pulled him closer.  His own arms wrapped around Isak’s waist and pulled him tight.  

What had been a gentle kiss became more insistent, and all too soon clothes were gone and they were in Isak’s room reacquainting themselves with each other.  It was strange, how quickly they’d fallen into an easiness in the way they were together.  This … this thing between them had barely bloomed for a day or two before Even had cut it off, and yet being here again felt familiar.  It felt like they’d done this a million times before.  There were the frighteningly strong feelings that coursed through him whenever Isak touched him, of course.  There was the way Isak arched and cried out when Even ran his hands down the sides of his body, there was the frantic need to be everywhere, and feel everything, the desperation to have it all _right now_ .  But behind the immediate passions lay a familiarity and a sense that this was where he was supposed to be.  Behind the gasps and the pants there was a sense of truth that Even found himself falling into with relish.   _That_ was the important thing here -- the fundamental rightness of the two of them in this place at this time.  

Later, Isak lay with his head on Even’s chest and they talked.  Isak asked questions, running his fingers idly over Even’s chest as he did so.  It made Even smile, reminded him that Isak was just trying to make sense of his world, and that meant that Even was part of that world now too.  It gave him a heady rush to look down and see his boy’s face pressed sleepily against his chest as he tried to think of another question to ask.  His eyelashes fluttered as he talked, sliding closer to sleep.  Even kissed his forehead.

“Baby?”

“Hmm?”

“You know we have time to talk, right?  It doesn’t have to be all right now.”

Isak sighed, the breaths soft and warm on Even’s skin, and sending shivers through him.  “I know.  I just …”  He yawned and grimaced, scrunching his face up in the cutest way.  Even’s heart flipped, and he knew he was completely screwed -- this thing he was feeling was stronger than anything else he’d experienced and it was almost overwhelming.

“You should sleep,” he said trying to make everything comfortable for himself by focusing on the easy and normal.

“Don’ wanna,” Isak said, his voice already thick with sleep.  “Want to look at you …” He trailed off, his lips still parted and his eyes slipping closed as his breaths became more even and rhythmic.

Filled with affection for this boy, Even allowed himself to follow into sleep soon after.  Today was a good day; Isak knew everything and he was still here, still snuggled up to Even with every impression of intending to stay.  It was a lot to take in, but Even pushed it aside to examine and delight in on another day.

  


The days that followed were some of the best Even had ever experienced.  Now that they had come back to each other, and everything was out in the open, Even felt happier than he had in a very long time.  He knew part of it was the mania he could feel circling in on him, but he also knew a lot of it was simply Isak.  Being with him made Even happy.  It had made him happy in the first flush when they had started to get to know each other, and it made him happy now.

They spent a lot of time at Even’s place because Isak was cagey as hell about his own house.  The only times they spent outside of school and Even’s were in the company of Eskild or Noora, at their house.  The first time Even met the flatmates was awkward as hell.

“Oh.  Is this _the_ Even, Isak?” Eskild cooed when they were introduced.  “He _is_ very pretty.”

Isak blushed and muttered something like, “shut up, asshole,” under his breath while staring daggers at Eskild.

Baffled, Even turned to Isak with a question in his eyes, but Isak refused to say anything.  Even Eskild didn’t say anything else, though he spent the evening looking at Even in such an appraising way that Even felt exposed by the end of it.  The girls, Linn and Noora, were much more welcoming.  Linn was very quiet but she just seemed to accept Even’s presence as a matter of course, and Noora kept up an engaging conversation that included Even and made him feel at home.  For his part, Isak kept himself tucked up against Even’s side and pouted if they had to part for any reason.  Every time he did so, Eskild gave him a despairing look which made him roll his eyes and made Even’s heart pound with anxiety.

When Isak excused himself to go to the bathroom at one point, Eskild turned to Even with a huge smile which didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“I don’t know what your deal is,” he’d said, “but I’ve got my eye on you.”

Disconcerted, Even had raised his eyebrows in question, but Eskild shook his head.   

“He’s only seventeen.”

“I know,” Even said, confused.

“If you fuck him up at this age, when he’s just sorting this shit out, then I swear I will hunt you down.”

“Fair enough.”  Even nodded.  It was almost a comfort how much the people around him cared about Isak.  They were all very protective, but not in a stifling way and Even found himself longing for that from his own friends.

Eskild gave him another giant grin then, patted him on the shoulder and let it drop.  Though the appraising looks continued all night.

  


By the end of the week, however, that wariness thawed into something that almost resembled friendship, and Even found himself enjoying the time they spent at the flat.  Even so he was curious, he couldn’t help it.  Eventually, as they left the warmth and comfort of the flat one night to go back to Even’s house, Even’s curiosity got the better of him.

He pulled Isak into his side, kissing his hair in passing and getting a soft, contented hum in return.  Isak still only allowed this type of public affection late at night when darkness concealed them from most prying eyes, and Even loved it whenever it happened.

“You used to live there, is that right?”

Isak nodded.  “Yeah.”

They walked in silence for a few moments more, before Even blurted out, “why do you spend so much time there now?”

Isak looked up at him, squinting in confusion.  Even shrugged uncomfortably.

“I just mean … we don’t go to your house.  I’m not sure I even remember how to get there.”

“Oh.”  Isak hummed a little as he processed his thoughts.  Even let him, knowing this was part of Isak.  That sometimes, when it mattered, he didn’t like to be rushed into saying something that didn’t quite match with what he wanted to convey.  When he eventually spoke, his words were measured.

“I guess things just got really bad at home, or I couldn’t deal with it so much.  So I only go there to sleep now.”

“And how …?”  Even stopped, trying to word this right.  “Does your dad find that okay?”

Isak frowned.  “It’s none of his business.  I live with my mother, not him.”

“No, I know.  I know that, baby.  But last time we talked about this he seemed like he … like he was a big part of why you were living there, like he had a lot of say.”

Shrugging, Isak smiled at him.  “Yeah, he was.  But I kind of realised that it didn’t have to be that way.  They can make me sleep there, but they can’t make me _live_ there.”  Isak squeezed Even a little closer.  “You taught me that.”

“I did?  Me?  How?”

“‘You don’t have to be an adult, Isak,’” he imitated, making his voice as deep and gruff as he could and wobbling his head back and forth.

“That’s a terrible impression of me.”

“Because you have a terrible voice to copy.”  Isak’s voice was fond, teasing, and Even couldn’t stop the grin that crept onto his face even if he’d wanted to.  

“Asshole.  I meant the head thing.  Where does that come from?”

“Seriously?  It’s like your thing.”

“It is not my thing!  My thing is being handsome and suave, not whatever that was.”

By now, Isak was giggling, pressing his face into Even’s chest and making walking impossible.  Even took advantage of the moment to kiss him, feeling the moment when giggles melted into affection and revelling in it.

“Handsome and suave?  You’re pretty sure of yourself,” Isak said when they resumed their walk.

“Of course.  This doesn’t come easy, you know?  I practise hard -- handsomeness training in the mirror every morning and suaveness exercises every evening.”

“Oh, so that’s what you’re doing when you say you can’t be with me?”

“Yeah.  I’ve let my training slip lately, though -- should probably spend more time at home with my mirror ...”

Even laughed out loud at the affront in Isak’s eyes as he dragged them to a stop again.  He narrowed his eyes in suspicion as if expecting someone to leap out and drag Even away for his non-existent handsomeness workout.

“Nope.  No extra training for you, if it takes you away from me.  I like you just how you are, anyway,” he said, reaching up to kiss Even.  

It was these small moments that never failed to captivate Even.  Isak was so fucking sincere when he said this stuff, too, like it wasn’t the biggest thing he could say to someone like Even.  The idea that he could be liked exactly how he was seemed so ridiculous that Even almost couldn’t make his brain accept it.  But Isak was always totally honest when he was with Even; it was one of the things that had drawn Even to him right back at the start when he was still just the intriguing new guy at school.

The weight of the mania that Even could feel coming worried him sometimes, but at times like this, he thought that Isak might just be the person to see through it.  That he might be able to truly accept Even, warts and all.  Besides, the medication he was on seemed to be working.  It held him back, made sure he didn’t do anything completely off the wall.  Hopefully that would be enough for Isak to be able to truly say those words and mean them unconditionally.  Until Isak had been with him through everything, though, Even couldn’t help but wonder and worry.  Isak meant those words right now, without a doubt, but how long would that last?  How long would Even have this happiness for?


	9. Isak

Isak didn’t know what had made him do it.  One moment he was boiling with rage mixed with fear, and the next he’d pulled Even into a hug as if he couldn’t bear to be parted from him.  Isak had intended to prove Eskild wrong when he’d seen Even at the door.  He was going to be cool, distant, appropriately hurt and angry.  It worked, for about twenty seconds.  Then Even had looked so … so fucking small and insecure, like he was about to run a mile.   Suddenly, that idea was too painful to endure, and Isak had found himself with his arms around Even and no real memory of actually moving to do so.  And, honestly, with both Jonas and Eskild’s words still ringing in his ears, Isak wondered if he really was on a fucking string and was never going to get out of Even’s orbit.  Worse, Even didn’t move, didn’t hug him back, didn’t react at all.  So Isak, in a panic, tried to let go.  

That’s when Even finally wrapped his arms around Isak, firmly planted his fingers in Isak’s hair and sighed like his life fucking depended on being there.  It was … it was so intense, that Isak couldn’t quite believe this was really happening.  It had only been a week or two, but Isak had missed this.  He’d forgotten how amazing it felt to be in Even’s arms, warm and comforted.  Which, Isak railed viciously at himself, was just fucking  _ great _ .  He was supposed to be mad, yet here he was melting like an ice cream by a fire the moment Even touched him again.  

When he did finally let go, reluctantly because apparently he was that sad and desperate, Isak could see in Even’s eyes that he was just as shaken.  That calmed him a little.  The last few weeks had been hard, and Isak wasn’t ready to brush them under the carpet just yet, but he was willing to open a conversation, particularly if Even was feeling something similar.  Soon.  They’d talk, soon.  First, Even had to be introduced to the boys.  They’d been insistent when they realised who was at the door, and point blank refused to leave Isak alone with him.

“He treated you like a dick, bro.  I wouldn’t feel right just abandoning you to him now without checking him out first,” was Jonas’s reasoning, and no matter how hard Isak had argued, they weren’t budging.

That meant Isak was a little wary when he brought Even through to meet them.  It was awkward, so awkward -- the boys were looking at Even as if he’d skinned all their favourite pets and they weren’t sure if he was going to move on to them.  Yet sitting next to Even, and having him pressed firmly against Isak throughout the whole torturous process, watching him react to every small moment of contact or meetings of eyes, made it …well.   It wasn’t enjoyable exactly, but at least it was a good situation in some ways.  It was nice to be with Even in a place where there were other people.  Other people who knew about him, about them, and who were acting like this was an entirely normal thing to do.  That Isak sitting here with a guy he’d had a thing with was being treated just the same as if any of the guys had brought a girl over.  In another world, another time where Even hadn’t ripped his heart out and stomped on it, Isak felt like he could get used to this.

When Jonas and Even left in search of beer, the other two turned on him with huge grins.

“You are so gone on this guy, Isak.  What the fuck?  I thought you were cool,” Magnus said laughing, a gleam in his eye.

Isak squirmed.  He knew he found it a little hard not to stare at Even, but he’d hoped it wasn’t obvious to others.  “I am cool!” he said, hoping his voice was strong enough to sound convincing, but apparently he wasn’t entirely successful.

“He just had to look at you, buddy, and you looked like you’d fall into the nearest bed.  It was kind of embarrassing.”  

Mahdi this time, and why the hell was he backing Magnus up?  Isak was used to Mahdi being the decent, sensible one who laughed at Magnus, not the one who agreed with him and helped him tease other people.  Particularly not other people who were just trying to innocently live their lives.

“Shut up, both of you.  It was nothing like that.”

They stopped teasing him, sharing a look and turning identical grins on him again, and Isak rolled his eyes.  He sat in silence for a few moments before speaking again, quietly but with a sense that a lot was riding on their answers to this question.

“So … um … what do you think, anyway?”  Isak wriggled again, trying to keep his cool, but failing miserably.  “Not that I care or anything, but he’s okay, right?”

Magnus sobered immediately.  “He seems great, Isak.  But … he  _ was _ a dick, right?  What are you going to do about that?”

That was the big question, all right.  The problem was, he had no idea how to answer it.

“I don’t know,” Isak whispered.  

“Maybe you should think about it.  Before you make any big choices, yeah?” Magnus winked at Isak, or tried to.

“Yeah, I think you should talk to the dude.  I know that’s not your thing, but you kind of have to, at least if you want something here.”

Mahdi nodded once before he took a swig of his drink, then made a face when he tasted the contents.

“Jesus Christ, what’s in this shit?” he asked, slamming it onto the table.

“No idea, man.  You’re the one who chose it,” Magnus said, and the conversation moved on.

Isak, however, was stuck thinking about Mahdi’s words.  He was right; Isak had to talk to Even before anything happened.  If there was one certain thing in all this, it was that Isak needed to know what Even was thinking, what he had been thinking when he’d run away.  Without that, there was no moving on.  But how did he do that with his overprotective watchdog friends hanging around and blocking any potential for real conversation?  

Isak was just gearing up to tell them they had to leave when Jonas and Even arrived back, laughing and acting like they’d been best buddies their entire lives.  Suddenly, after a flurry of activity, Isak was alone with Even and his heart was thundering in his ears.  Because as much as he’d wanted that to happen, he hadn’t expected it quite so soon or so suddenly.  Isak had thought he might have at least a little time to get used to the idea before he had to do anything about it.

Even held his hand out, and after a moment’s hesitation (it wouldn’t hurt, right?  Hand holding didn’t mean shit about anything) Isak took it.  The following conversation was both more than Isak had expected, and much much less.  When Even told him about his mental illness it felt almost anticlimactic, because if Isak had really thought about it, it had been there simmering away in his understanding all this time.  There’d been signs and hints, rumours and conversations, and all Isak had needed to do was piece it together.  And yet he hadn’t.  That was one thing he’d failed at, and it had hurt Even.  It had hurt Even enough that he’d pulled back, for whatever reason.  Not everything that had happened was Even’s fault, Isak realised with a pleased smile, and that thought actually calmed him.  If they were both at fault, they could both try again.

Everything crystallised into clarity after that, and Isak realised he didn’t care about anything else.  He got it, he understood why Even had done what he’d done, so string or no string, Isak realised he wanted this.  When Even had arrived here, Isak had intended to have a long and meaningful conversation.  He’d intended to keep himself aloof until they’d talked about everything in minuscule detail.  He’d intended to know exactly what Even had been thinking during this whole horrible time.  But now all thought of that deeper conversation disappeared with the confirmation that Even wanted him too. Not that Isak wasn’t still intending to talk, just that he had enough to know where they stood.  The rest would come later.  Isak wasn’t going to ignore the things they needed to talk about; he just wasn’t going to deal with it right this second. No, in this second all that was left was falling into each other, rediscovering each other, and being together in a way that felt as natural as breathing, but also invigorating, as if the mere fact of being with Even gave Isak more energy.  

  
  
  


The week that followed was one that Isak figured he would never forget.  If that first night had felt natural, the days that followed felt even more so.  They’d sleep in the same bed, wake together, go to school, then meet up again for lunch and between lessons if they could.  Even was bright and bubbly in a way he hadn’t been before.  It was nice, seeing him so happy and excited about life, his eyes alight and joy spilling out of him.  There was teasing and banter again, just like there had been when they first met, but now there was an extra layer to it.  They carefully never touched, so as to keep the gossip mill to a minimum, but it became almost a game.  Who could tease the other one into a fluster the fastest.  Even usually won, because the asshole had a deadpan face which meant he could say the most outrageous things and remain unruffled.  But occasionally, Isak would manage to make him fall apart.  He treasured those moments the most.  The way Even’s eyes would widen as he tried unsuccessfully to retain his composure was just so fucking sexy.

“So, what do you want to do after school?” Isak asked one day at lunch, pretending innocence as he leaned over the table to get something which meant his knee brushed against Even’s.

Even’s eyes narrowed as Isak sat back, but he said, “Dunno.  Thought we could hang out somewhere.”

Isak shrugged, as if unconcerned.  “Okay.”

“Okay?  What’s with you?  Where’s the gumpy ‘do we have to?’ and ‘but baby I just want to go home and lie around in bed’ huh?”

Isak smiled at him, allowing his amusement to show in the corners of his eyes.  “I  _ mean _ okay.  Sure.  We’ll go hang out somewhere.  Sounds like fun.”

“You’re up to something.”

Isak silently slipped his shoe off under the table, keeping his eyes on Even to make sure he hadn’t noticed.

“Even, I’m not up to something just because you think I am.”  He grinned, and raised his eyebrow, enjoying the way Even’s eyes followed the movement of his head and seeing how they followed the movement of his throat as he swallowed.  “You feeling okay, old man?”

Even dragged his eyes away from Isak’s and focused on the food in front of him.  Just as he was about to take a bite, Isak ran his toes up the inside of Even’s leg, ending up with his toes pressed mid thigh.  Even choked, dropping his food on the table, his eyes widening as he jumped back with a growl.

Isak smirked at him, before dropping his foot, picking up his own food and taking a bite as if nothing had happened.  He managed to get his foot back into his shoe without looking, which he also counted as a win, though he’d have to do the shoelace up again later.

“You’re an asshole,” Even said, but there was fond admiration in his tone and Isak laughed.

“Takes one to know one.”

Even smiled and kicked him lightly under the table.  “Okay, you had your fun.  Now … what are we really doing after school?”

“Going home and lying around in bed, of course.”  Isak affected wide-eyed innocence, but underneath he was bubbling with laughter.  Even laughed, too.

“Of course.  What was I thinking?”

  
  
  


At the end of the week, Even sidled up to Isak while he was struggling with his locker.  Isak turned to him with one of his usual bantery remarks on the tip of his tongue, but it died as he saw the look on Even’s face.  It was drawn, concerned.  

“Hey, baby,” Isak said, in a soft voice so no-one would hear him.  “What’s up?”

“I … uh.  I’ve been talking to my mother lately, and she.  Um …” 

Even trailed off, giving Isak a beseeching look as if to say, ‘please figure this out so I don’t have to say it’ but for once Isak had no idea what ‘this’ was or how to guess.  He shrugged helplessly, and watched as Even steeled himself, blew out his cheeks, then spoke again.

“I’m … well.  It’s like people have noticed, and maybe they think that …” he stopped again, looking around uncomfortably, then sighed.  “I’m probably near to mania, and my parents want me home where they can monitor it.”

The words came out in a rush, and Isak could see exactly how uncomfortable this was making Even.  He felt the heat drain from his own cheeks.  This was … obviously, he’d been expecting it.  That came with the territory, and the extensive research he’d done after Even had left that first day had told him something about what to expect.  But the problem was that knowing it was a thing that happened, and being there when it was about to happen, were two very different things.  Isak could feel his heart rate speeding up, the flutters of anxiety coming closer and he looked at Even.

His eyes were wide and fixed on Isak as if there was something he wanted desperately in this moment, but Isak had no idea what that something was.  For all that this was worrying to Isak, he knew that right now was about Even and what he needed.  Isak needed to do whatever was going to be best for Even.  The problem was, he had no idea what that might be.  He took a deep breath, then smiled as naturally as he could.  It wasn’t terribly natural, Isak could tell.  It felt awkward on his face as if it was a separate being and not part of him at all.

“Um … okay.  I mean, sure.  If that’s what you want.”

Even sucked his bottom lip in, dragging it between his teeth, and his eyes drooped.  He shrugged, folding his shoulders down into themselves for a moment before obviously forcing himself to straighten up and grin at Isak.

“Well, you know.  The meds seem to be working fine, and there’s no real reason for me to go home.  We could go, you and me, somewhere nice.  A nice hotel or something.  Or … or on a nice holiday somewhere.  Doesn’t that sound like a better idea, Isak?  That way we wouldn’t have to be separated.  My parents just don’t like me having fun, you see …”

Isak’s heart wasn’t beating any slower as he tried to formulate an answer.  Even was almost but not quite his usual self.  He was always prone to reckless ideas and fanciful notions, so this wasn’t different in that respect.  But there was something in the quality of his words -- slightly faster, slightly slurred -- that stirred a fear in Isak.  If he hadn't known there was something to look out for, Isak wouldn't have even thought twice about the way Even was acting.  But he did know, and alarm bells were starting to ring in his head.

“Even, we have school,” he said reasonably.   “We can’t just run off somewhere right now.  Maybe … maybe … we can go after the school year.”

“Yes!  Let’s do that.  Or we can go for Christmas, just us two.  We could hire a whole cabin for ourselves.  Wouldn’t that be nice, Isak?”

Even’s smile was so gorgeous that Isak melted.  He still wasn’t used to the intensity of the feelings that flooded him whenever Even looked at him with his eyes crinkled in that certain way.  Even while he was slightly different to his usual self, Even’s eyes were so beautiful and filled with fondness that Isak couldn’t help but get drawn into them.

“Yeah, it sounds great.  But first, we should start with getting you home.”

“No, no.  I don’t need to go home.  We should go find a nice coffee shop and try all the cakes.  No-one ever gets to try everything and, baby, I think that’s terrible.”

His heart still beating fast, but reminding himself that this was  _ Even _ who was just a little sick right now, Isak smiled, trying to pour all his affection into his eyes.  He knew that if Even’s parents wanted him home, then perhaps he should at least get him there and ask what he should be doing for Even.  Going into this blind wasn’t going to help anyone, and Even didn’t appear to be in the mood to say what he needed.

“Okay.  We’ll try all the cakes together.  But first, we should go home and put some nice clothes on, don’t you think?”

“We can buy more, Isak.  We’ll buy an entire shop; we’ll be kings of the coffee shop, and everyone will worship us.”

“Yeah, but I want your clothes.  You know how much I love wearing them, baby.”

Even sighed, his eyes going misty with memory.  “That’s true.  Okay, baby.  We’ll go get some clothes then run off on our adventure.”

Even spent a lot of the trip nuzzling against Isak’s neck in a way that was entirely too distracting for such a public place.  However, Isak allowed himself to relax against Even, starting to enjoy the feeling of claiming him as his own, even if it was just to these unknown people in the tram.

“Mmmmm, you smell so good, baby,” Even muttered and Isak smiled, remembering the first time he’d said those words.

“You always say that.”

“It’s always true.”

Isak laughed, breathless.  Even’s ministrations were getting a little too friendly for Isak to be comfortable doing these things in public, so he was relieved when their stop came into view.

Leaving Even with his parents was hard, particularly watching as he resisted when they told him he’d have to stay there and not go anywhere with Isak.  Watching Even, seeing him so diminished with his shoulders hunched again and the light dimmed in his eyes, stabbed at Isak almost like a physical pain.  However, Even’s parents assured him it was the best thing for him.  

“You’re a good friend, Isak, but it’s a lot to deal with.  You should go home and he’ll call when he’s better, okay?”

“I don’t mind …”

“No, really.  When he’s like this, his friends can get in the way.  It’s best if you don’t stay.”

So Isak left, reluctantly retracing his steps back towards his own house.  There was no comforting Eskild or Noora to visit this time; they weren’t home and Isak was forced into his mother’s company.  While she was calm today, he didn’t have the energy to sit and pretend to be the dutiful son.  Not when he was turning Even’s mother’s words over in his mind.  There had been something off about that conversation but Isak couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was.  The idea burned at him as he lay in bed that night, unable to sleep and wondering how Even was.  It worried at him the whole next day as he tried to do his homework, but found his concentration drifting.  It surrounded him as he texted Even but got no reply.

The week that followed was interminable.  Even’s texts were vague and unsatisfying, filled with song lyrics and random observations.  Every time Isak asked if he could come over, he got only cryptic messages -- usually more song lyrics.  The one time he was brave enough to call Even’s house, his mother answered and made it clear that Even was receiving no visitors right now.  Isak ended up throwing himself into his school work, because it was the only thing that was at all stable in his life, the one thing he had any control over.  Even Jonas and the other boys were distracted, focused on their own schoolwork and tests which were taking all their energy.  Isak started losing sleep again, tossing and turning every night and dragging himself through classes during the day.  Through it all, he longed for Even.

While trying to study that Saturday, Isak drifted into an exhausted doze mid afternoon, and his dreams were disturbing and dark.  In them, Even circled taunting him, telling him he never really wanted him anyway, asking why he thought they’d ever be anything but friends, and laughing until he exploded in a shower of fiery sparks.  Then Isak’s parents faded in, sitting together like puppets, the strings clearly visible as they chanted ‘stay here, stay here, stay here’ while they looked at him with dead eyes.

Shaking, Isak woke with sweat beading his forehead and his heart pounding.  He felt sick, and not just from the fading images of the dream.   _ Friend _ .  That was the word Even’s parents had kept using.  And what the fuck did that mean?  Deep inside, he was still unsure about all this.  He couldn’t quite accept that Even genuinely wanted him and that he wouldn’t disappear again, particularly not when he hadn’t made any attempt to see Isak in over a week.  There was a certain truth in dreams, and Isak wondered if his subconscious was just fucking with him, or if it had noticed that Even really  _ wasn’t _ as invested as Isak was.  Ignoring the other half of the dream (because who the fuck gave a shit about his parents anyway?), Isak decided he needed to go back to see Even.  He needed answers, and only Even could give them to him.  Parents or no parents, Isak had to clear this up once and for all.

Of course, that was easier said than fucking done.  As he tried to leave the house, his father appeared in the doorway.  Isak dropped his gaze and started to sidle around him to get to the door and the blissful freedom it offered.  Sadly, luck was not on his side.  His father slid quickly into place in front of him and placed a hand on his arm.

“Isak, we need to talk.”

“I don’t want to,” he muttered, feeling irritated.  All he wanted to do was get to Even and to see him, make him explain why the fuck he was closing Isak out, or why his parents thought they were just friends.  He didn’t need this cosy family conference shit getting in his way.

“I … uh.  Look,” his father said, dropping his hand, “I know you’re mad.  I just wanted to apologise.”

Isak looked up, shocked.  What was this?  His father was actually saying sorry?  As if acknowledging the bizarreness of the situation, his father’s lips twitched in a small smile and he gave a slight nod.  Isak shrugged.  It was the closest he could get to ‘carry on, you have me intrigued’ but his father seemed to understand anyway.

“I’ve been thinking.  About what you said about wanting to be a kid and not being able to do that here, and …” he took a deep breath and looked at Isak.  “I’m not going to say we were wrong.”

Isak scowled, hunching his shoulders and pulling back.  His father gave him another small smile.

“I mean it.  There are things that come with being a parent that may not be clear to you right now.  But …” He held his hand up to forestall the comment Isak was about to make.  “But, you were right too.”

Isak looked up, feeling a surge of hope.  

“It wasn’t fair to put you here with your mother, not when she’s so sick.”

Isak snorted.  “Took you long enough.”

“I know.  It … it wasn’t apparent how bad it was …”

“Not apparent?  You fucking ran away because it was so bad!”

His father shook his head, and tried to hold Isak’s arm again, but Isak twitched away.  His father sighed, resigned.

“No, Isak.  I didn’t.  There were a lot of complicated reasons why things didn’t work out, and not all of them had to do with your mother’s illness.  So no.  I won’t agree that it was obvious.”

“Great,” Isak muttered again.  “So I’m being a stupid kid again.”

“No.  Isak, no.  That’s where you’re wrong.  I’ve never seen you as stupid, and that’s why I listened to you after last time.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re right.  You shouldn’t have to look after your mother.  That wasn’t fair, not when she’s as bad as she is.”

“So what does that mean?”  Isak was trying to remain surly, trying to keep his father out, trying to keep up the idea that his father was an insensitive dickhead who Isak could hate in peace, but he was becoming intrigued.

“It means we’ve found some help for her, so you can … you can be a kid again without worrying about her.”

“I’ll always worry about her,” Isak said, his voice shaking.

“I know, and that’s natural.  But, you don’t have to … to be her caregiver.”

“But I still have to stay here?”

That surge of hope was solidifying, becoming something with weight and presence, something Isak could almost taste.

“I mean, your mother … she loves you, and she’d love you to stay.”

Isak could almost feel his heart cracking.  For one shining moment, he’d allowed himself to hope.  But here it came, the guilt trip.  The pressure to stick it out, all the things that had been used against him last time.  He slumped against the wall, and glared at the ground.

“Isak, look at me.”

Isak looked up, reluctantly, into his father’s eyes.  He saw understanding there.  It was the last thing he’d expected to see.

“I know it’s been rough, so you really  _ don’t _ have to stay.  It’s your choice, up to you.  I’ll pay rent somewhere if that’s what you want.  I just have one request.’

“Yeah?”

“You come visit your mother once a week.  Have a nice dinner, talk to her.  Just, be her son for a bit, hey?”

“You’ll really do that?”

To his horror, Isak could feel tears building behind his eyes, and he shook his head to try to dispel them.

“I’ll really do it.”

“I can go to Noora’s?”

“If that’s where you want to be.”

“I … uh.  Thanks.  Dad.”

Isak’s father laughed, and pulled Isak into a hug.  “I love you too, son,” he said into Isak’s hair, and Isak found it very difficult in that moment not to let the tears drop.

  
  
  


Eventually, finally, they worked it out enough that Isak was able to slip out of the house and finally make his way to Even’s.  It was late, or maybe not late, but late enough that Isak was worried that his reception at Even’s wouldn’t be as warm as it might have been two hours ago.  But that didn’t matter.  He was desperate; desperate to see Even again, to have more than cold messages on his phone and the memory of ‘friend’ crashing through his head all the time.  He had to know, to be fucking sure, that Even had meant it this time, because Isak was sure he wouldn’t survive another shattering of his heart.

It took time to get to Even’s.  Time walking, time inside his own head, time to think.  So by the time Isak reached Even’s house he was shaking.  Nerves and cold together served to set his teeth chattering and his hands trembling, but Isak refused to give in to it.  He knocked, gritting his teeth to try to stop them from crashing together.

“Isak!”  Even’s father said in surprise as he opened the door.  “What are you doing here?  It’s after 21.”

“I know, I …” Isak barely got out through his chattering teeth.  “Can I please come in?”

Even’s father reluctantly opened the door further and let Isak slide into the hallway.

“Thank you.”  Isak looked at him awkwardly for a long moment, as they both stood in the hallway.  “Is Even here?”

“I don’t think you should see him, son.”

“Why not?”

“He’s not in a good way, I’m sorry.  It’s not pleasant to see him like this and he always does prefer his friends not to see him when he’s in these moods.”

There it was again.  His friends.  Isak’s face set in determination.  

“Don’t you think he should be allowed to make that decision?”

“Isak.  I know you think you’re being a good friend, but really, you have no idea.”

“I’m not a  _ friend _ ; I’m his boyfriend, and I think Even has the right to say whether he wants to see me or not.”

Even’s father took a step back, looking shocked.  “Boyfriend?  But I thought …”

“You thought he was still with Sonja?”

“No.”  Even’s father ran his hand through his hair as he looked at Isak in consternation.  “No, he was pretty clear about  _ that _ .”

He opened his mouth to say more, but Isak rushed in before he could think better of his words.

“I want to see him.”

“Isak, I wasn’t lying when I said it’s not good to see.”

Irritation was building.  It didn’t seem fair to Isak that some adult was standing between him and Even, not even if that person was his parent and probably had his best interests at heart.

“I don’t  _ care _ .  You think this will push me away?”

“Honestly, I don’t know, son.  I don’t know you.”

The words stung.  Isak knew he was right, and he knew that the events of the last few weeks meant that Even’s parents probably would be worried.  It hurt that due to circumstances, they really did have no idea how Isak might react, how much he might hurt their son by doing or saying the wrong thing.  An icy fear coursed through Isak.  How  _ would _ he cope?  He had no idea either.  His track record with his mother wasn’t exactly stellar, and no matter how much he told himself this was different, Isak still didn’t know for sure what it would be like.  Still.  There was no point in avoiding it forever.

“Well, I don’t know either.  But I do know that pretending it’s not a thing isn’t going to work long term.  So.  I want to see him.”

“Long term?  You think this is going to last, then?”

Even’s father looked suddenly interested, his whole body language changing as he gave Isak a long once over.  Isak blushed.  This was just about the most awkward conversation he could think of having with someone’s parent, and yet here he was.

“I don’t know.  But I’d like to find out.  Please.”  He looked at Even’s father one last time, trying to make his case in the best way he could.  “Please, I want to see my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Isak heard a croaky voice from behind Even’s dad, and he craned his head to the side.  Even, looking like shit but also like the most beautiful thing Isak had ever laid eyes on.  His hair was standing on end as if he’d been running his fingers through it, and his eyes had deep circles under them, but Even still had an ethereal beauty which stole Isak’s breath. 

“You said boyfriend?”

“I … I did, yeah.”

He was suddenly wrapped in trembling arms, and had a face pressed against his shoulder.  Isak looked over at Even’s father in a silent plea for help with what to do.  He was answered with a slight smile and a shrug as if to say, ‘you wanted to see him’ which was pretty fucking intense as a test, if that’s what this was.  Isak didn’t know what to do, but didn’t want to overthink.  So he went with instinct, wrapped his own arms around Even, and just held him.

“You said boyfriend.  Even though you know, even though you’ve seen, you said it.  I … I thought you wouldn’t want ...”

Even pulled back a little and Isak could more clearly see the deep bags under his eyes, and the exhaustion which sat behind his facade.  He saw the vulnerability, the fear he’d had that Isak really would leave him if he saw this.  His heart swelled with affection for this boy, and he smiled.

“Of course I did.  You don’t get rid of me that easily.”

In answer, Even sank back into the hug, and Isak pulled him close.  Even’s father had mercifully stepped out of the hallway while they had hugged the first time, so Isak was able to mutter all the things he wanted to say without fear that every word he said was being analysed for suitability.  He poured his delight in Even into his ears, told him in as many ways as he could just what he meant to Isak.  It was disgustingly soppy, and in any other situation Isak would cringe if he let himself think through all the things he was confessing, but it was all true and it seemed necessary right now.  He just hoped Even was able to believe at least some of it.

Eventually, Even sighed and pulled back.  “I’m glad you came.  But you should probably go.  I’m not good company right now.”

The idea sent a shaft of pain into Isak’s chest and he could feel his face falling.  But this wasn’t about him; it was about what Even needed.   “Of course, if that’s what you want.”

“It’s not that I want it.  I just … I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Isak whispered.  “Please, I’d like to stay.  I don’t care what sort of company you are, I just want to be with you.”

Even looked at him carefully, eyes trailing around his face, trying to work out how sincere Isak was.  It took a long time before he seemed to be satisfied.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah.  Let’s … I need to lie down.”

Isak kicked off his shoes, and they made their way to Even’s room.  Isak knew one thing in that moment.  Maybe this wasn’t going to be easy.  Maybe Even wasn’t going to be ‘good company’ all the time.  But Isak wanted this,  He wanted to try it.  As they sank into the bed together, Even wrapped up in Isak’s arms with his face to the wall and his back pressed against Isak’s chest, Isak glanced towards the clock on the dresser.  It said 21.21, and that seemed symbolic in some way.  So many of their moments -- both easy and difficult -- had occurred at that time, that it seemed right that this one did too.  If they just kept talking and being there for each other, then it would all be okay.  Together, they could weather anything.     
  



	10. Even

It was still dark when Even woke, and he was disorientated for a few moments.  Sure, it _felt_ like his bed, but there was something about it that didn’t seem quite right.  His nose was pressed against the wall, but that wasn’t unusual: when his depression got the best of him, Even tended to hug close to the wall to feel some sort of stability.  But it still seemed different today.  His back wasn’t cold the way it often was, and there was a weight to the covers that wasn’t normal.

There was also the soft sound of breathing coming from behind Even, and memories of the previous night flooded in.  Isak.  He’d come.  He was here.  The warmth on Even’s back was Isak, and the weight on his hip was Isak’s arm.  Even through the fog, Even recognised how important that was.  He couldn’t understand why Isak had chosen to do this, but he was grateful that he was here.

“Mmmm,” Isak sighed as Even moved slightly, his breath whispering over Even’s neck and making him shiver.  “You smell nice.”

That made Even smile, a fleeting tug that lifted his lips briefly.  “Isn’t that my line?” he managed to croak out as he turned onto his back.  Isak’s other arm was tucked behind his neck, and the warmth from it enveloped Even, making him feel safe and secure, which was a goddam miracle right now.  

“Nope, not anymore.  I stole it.”

Isak’s voice was warm, teasing Even gently without being overbearing.  His words dragged another slight smile from Even, before he sighed again and let his eyes drift to the ceiling above them.  They lay like that for a few minutes, allowing their breathing to fall into sync, letting peace settle between them.  Then Isak smiled, pushing a piece of Even’s hair behind his ear.  

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”  

Even’s smile was wobbly, he could tell, but it was genuine.  He was so thankful that Isak was here with him.  Through the long week without him, Even had felt lost and adrift.  Which was a fucking terrifying thing to admit when they hadn’t really defined what was going on here until last night, when he hadn’t known how Isak might react now that he’d seen and now that he really _knew_.

As if he could hear Even’s thoughts, Isak said, “I missed you.”

Even sighed, and turned again, snuggling closer to Isak and tucking his head under Isak’s chin.  “I missed you, too.” he whispered into his neck.  “But …”

“Is this where you say I should go because it’s all too complicated?”

Isak’s voice was filled with fond exasperation, and Even sighed again.

“No.  But, you do need to know.”

“It’s okay.  It’s okay, baby.  I do know, and we can talk about all that later.  For now, I just want to be here if that’s okay with you.”

Even burrowed further into Isak’s neck in response, making Isak huff out a laugh.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

It wasn’t perfect, but it was nice.  Even still felt like shit and despite the small improvement in his mood last night when he saw Isak, he wasn’t naive enough to think he’d be miraculously better immediately.  But he still admitted that it was nice to have Isak here, that the feeling of his arms was comforting, and that if he had a choice, Even would choose to be here with Isak rather than without him.  And that, as long as Isak was happy and not overwhelmed by being with Even, was a blessing Even was going to allow himself to enjoy.

There was a knock at the door which made Even look up, startled, so he could peer over Isak’s shoulder at the intruder.  His mother entered with breakfast on a tray after she heard his, “come in.”  

“Good morning, boys,” she said cheerfully.  “It’s just cereal today, I’m sorry.  We’re out of anything exciting.”

She laid it down on Even’s coffee table and smiled up at them.  

“Isak.  It’s lovely to see you again,” she said with genuine warmth in her voice, and Isak gave her a shy smile.  Even knew she must have questions about all this, but mercifully she was acting as if Isak being here was an everyday occurrence and no big deal.

“Now, you two need to get up and eat something.”  She put her hand up to forestall Even’s next comment.  “No, Even.  You need to eat, and I can hear your boyfriend’s stomach rumbling from here, so you don’t get to say no today.”

Isak blushed, a bright red which Even found quite enchanting.  He rubbed a comforting hand along Isak’s shoulder, then looked down at his mother.  “Fine, okay.  We’ll get up,” he said.

She left them alone, then, with a final smile as Even dropped his aching, heavy head back down onto the pillow.  Holding it up was still exhausting, and lying here was so much better than thinking about anything, even food.  Eventually, Isak poked Even with a gentle finger.  

“If you want me to get up, you need to move so I can get my arm back.”

“But I don’t want you to get up.”

Isak laughed, and the sound warmed Even.  “I’ll let you come right back to bed if you’ll just come down and eat with me.”  His stomach grumbled again.  “I’m fucking hungry, too, so unless you’re edible you need to move.”

Even snorted, genuine amusement curling around his heart for a moment.  He lifted his head so Isak could free his arm, and then followed him down the ladder.

  
  


Several hours later, and under the watchful and seemingly approving eye of Even’s parents, Isak had convinced Even to get up again, managed to get him into the shower and clean (“you fucking stink now, and I’m not snuggling all day with you like this”), and then sat him down on his couch to watch a movie.  Isak wrapped a blanket around him and snuggled into his side.

“Baby?” Even said softly.

“Yeah?”  

Isak looked up at him from under his lashes, and for around the millionth time Even’s heart skipped a beat.  It should still be illegal for anyone to do that -- as cliche as it was, whenever Isak looked at him like that complicated things happened in Even’s stomach.  That much had never changed at all since the first day they’d come here together back when everything was new and all possibility.  As usual, that look stole Even’s breath for a moment and he gazed at Isak in awe.  How the hell did he _do_ that?

“I’m glad you’re here,” he managed to say when he caught his breath again.

Isak smiled and snuggled closer to Even.  “I’m glad I’m here, too.  It’s been shit without you.”

The raw honesty in Isak’s voice stirred something in Even.  He tightened his arms around Isak, and breathed in the smell of his hair.  There was a lingering sense of barely-averted loss between them, one that would likely take time to dispel.  One that Even felt responsible for.

“I’m sorry.”

Isak sat up, pulling away from Even a little so he could see into his eyes, and fixed him with a stern look, though fondness sat behind the serious facade.

“Hey, it wasn’t your fault.  Your parents thought it was best to keep me away, and I get that.”

Even squirmed slightly, knowing that he had to tell the truth but fearful even now that Isak would take offence and leave him here alone.

“It wasn’t all them, though,” he said.  “I said I didn’t want to see anybody.  Not after … not after you saw me the other day, and I thought …”

“I won’t deny that it was scary,” Isak said, tightening his own arms around Even.  “But it was mostly scary because I didn’t know what to do.”

“I think you did the right thing.”

“I don’t know; I’m still learning.  Next time, I’m damn sure not leaving you alone.”

His voice was fierce, as if he was going to single handedly take on anyone who would dare to try and make him leave Even’s side.  Even laughed, feeling a genuine burst of happiness even through his self-loathing.

“I wasn’t alone.”

“Brat.  You know what I mean.”

But his voice was soft and loving, and he pressed closer to Even trying without words to let him know it was okay.  Even had learned somehow, during the past few weeks, to read Isak and to know what he was trying to say when he stopped using words.  So he knew that right now, Isak was a little uneasy with this line of conversation, that he accepted Even’s apology and wanted to move on.  So, Even kissed Isak’s hair and changed the subject.

“Do you remember the first time we sat here like this?”

Isak laughed, turned his head into Even’s chest and mumbled something Even couldn’t quite hear.

“I was so nervous that day,” Even carried on.  “I wasn’t sure that you’d want to kiss me, and I was so desperate to do it.”

“Even,” Isak said, looking up at him with an incredulous expression.  “How could you think that?”

“I don’t know.  You were so beautiful, and smart and you could have been friends with anyone but you picked me …”

“I’ll just point out that you were the one who crashed my table that first day.”

“Shhh, let me finish.  As I was saying, I couldn’t believe you’d want someone like me, all broken and fucked up.  But there you were … and here you are now.”

“Here I am, yeah.”  Isak’s expression softened and he sighed wistfully.   “I … is that why you ran away that day?”

Even blushed, looking away from Isak’s eyes.  “I guess so.  It was shitty of me.”

“You don’t say …”

“I thought I was protecting you, but Mikael made me see that I was being an asshole because … well because I was hurt.”

It was Isak’s turn to blush.  “I’m sorry, too.  I should have asked you about it when some asshole told me all that crap about you.  Then I might have been less shitty about my mother.”

“No.  Baby, no.  What you were going through … that was so awful.  You deserved to talk about it, and I did offer.  I should have told you about me earlier to avoid the issues, and that wasn’t on you at all.  You deserved to know.  But it was just so nice, you know?  To have someone want to hang out with me without all that extra baggage.”

“I like you, baggage and all, and none of this is changing that.  Okay?”

Even nodded.  “Okay,” he said, before kissing Isak briefly.  He didn’t want to get into anything really deep right now, but being able to do this was still so new that even when he was feeling shit, Even couldn’t help himself.

Oh!”  Isak sat up a bit, grinning as he lit up with some fond memory.  “I didn’t tell you.  My dad is letting me move out, and we already talked to Eskild and I can stay there.  They still have space.”

“That’s so great, Isak.  I’m happy for you.”

Even realised he was genuinely happy for Isak.  Even while he was still battling his own issues, he felt genuine excitement for this boy who’d come to mean so much to him.  As hard as this conversation was while he was feeling so shit, it had also centered him a little.  He liked hearing Isak’s thoughts, both the good and the bad.  It made him feel like he was of _some_ use even when the rest of his being kept screaming at him that he was worthless.  That Isak liked being with him, that he was able to talk about the things that mattered to him -- well, that was a blessing, and not one Even wanted to lose.

“Do you think … maybe not now, but in a bit when I feel better.  Do you think I could meet them, your parents?” he asked.

Isak looked flustered, and his hands which had been running a soft rhythmic pattern along Even’s arm, stilled as he thought about the question.  “I told them, last night.  Not about you, but about me.  It was … it was okay?”

Not understanding where he was going with this, but able to tell that it was important to Isak, Even hugged him closer and said, “that’s so good.”

“My dad wanted to know why I was telling them, but it was like I couldn’t take their money again and have them not know.  It didn’t feel right.”

He trailed off with a sigh, and Even rubbed his shoulder again.  Isak leaned into the motion with a grateful hum.

“Anyway, the point is … I think maybe you _can_ meet them.”  He buried his face in Even’s shoulder again, before whispering, “I never thought I’d get to do that … to have a boyfriend and have them know and be okay with it.”

“You get to have it all, baby.”

They stopped talking then, and focused on the movie again.  As exhausted as Even was, the day was nice.  The conversation had been intense and it should have tired him out even further.  But instead it made him feel calmer, like there was one less thing weighing on him.  He’d always been told that talking things out made them seem less huge, but he’d never believed it before.  Maybe that was because the people he’d tried to talk to had all been too scared of upsetting him to properly discuss anything.  His parents stepped cautiously whenever he was depressed, and Sonja and Mikael had put on falsely cheerful facades which made him feel like he had to pretend, too.  Those conversations had felt like a burden, whereas with Isak it felt like an unburdening -- painful as fuck at times, maybe, but freeing.

  


It took a few days before Even felt like himself again, the lingering effects of the depression hanging on and making him irritable or sleepy for large parts of every day.  Through it all, Isak clung to his side … well, during the times when he didn’t have to be at school he did.  During the school day, Even’s mother mostly let him stay in his room, but she gently encouraged him to come out into the main part of the house as often as he could bear.

“I like Isak a lot, you know?” she said one day while they were watching some terrible daytime TV in the lounge.

Even smiled, feeling content and almost at ease today.  “That’s good.  I like him a lot too.”

“I can see that.  And I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

Startled, Even looked away from the TV and into her eyes.  “What for?”

She swallowed and looked away.  For a moment, Even panicked -- what had he done that made her look like that, but he forced the thought away and tried to focus on what she was saying.

“For not noticing what it was like with Sonja.  You’re so different with Isak, and it hurts a bit to know you weren’t …”

Even cut in because he didn’t want to misrepresent anything.  “I did love her.”

She nodded, understanding, and rubbed his arm.  “I know.  But by the end, I can see now that it wasn’t great.  I just … you were right; she was everything I wanted.  But …”

“Yeah.”  Even nodded, trying to convey that he understood where she was coming from, even if it had infuriated him at the time.  “To be fair, I wasn’t exactly pushing her away.  Not until there was a good reason to.  I was scared, and that wasn’t fair to her, or to me.”

“Oh, baby.  No-one’s blaming you.  It just happens sometimes.  I’m glad, though, that you seem happier now.  Even with all this …”

She waved her hand at Even and he laughed.  “You can say it, you know.  Saying the word won’t magically make me get sad again.”

“Okay, smartass.  With the depression.  You seem … more settled.”

“I think I am.”

She kissed Even on the forehead, and left him alone with his thoughts.  He was feeling a lot better today, and was considering going back to school tomorrow.  The thought of it didn’t make him want to curl up in his bed for several days, which was a good indicator that he probably was ready to try, at least for part of the day.

Isak arrived home then, and it startled Even how readily that thought came to mind.  This wasn’t Isak’s home, though he had been staying for the whole week.  But it felt like that was a thing that Even could get used to -- the idea of Isak’s home being the same as Even’s.  It was something he needed to think about carefully, much the same way he needed to examine that ‘love’ idea from a while back.  They were big, these notions, and they deserved proper consideration.  But beneath it all, Even _knew_ he was feeling some big things and that those big things didn’t scare him the way he thought they might have in another time and place.  And that thought was another one he needed to consider.

“Hey baby,” Isak said after he threw his school bag into Even’s bedroom and came back to drop a quick kiss on his lips.

“Hey,” Even said, grabbing his hand and pulling him down onto his lap.

“Feeling better, are we?”

“Maybe a little, yeah.”

“My dad texted me today.  He wants to set up that meeting with you.”

“You told him, then?”

Isak grinned as he slid off Even's lap to settle down next to him on the couch.  “Yeah, I did.  I said I have the hottest, most amazing boyfriend the world has ever known and then he wouldn’t rest until he met you.”

“So no pressure or anything.”

But Even was laughing.  He felt genuinely happy being here with Isak like this.  

“Well, at least it can’t be as awkward as my first meeting with yours,” Isak said, dropping another kiss onto Even’s lips, this one longer and more tender.  “Is Saturday okay?  That’s my day for dinner with Mum, and Dad thought he could come too.  I said I’d ask, but if it’s too soon I can tell him …”

“Nah, that’s fine.”

“Okay, I’ll let him know.  But right now, I want to kiss my hot, amazing boyfriend if he’s okay with that.”

“He’s very okay with that,” Even said, reaching up to carry through on that promise.

  


On Saturday, Even couldn’t control his nerves.  His leg jiggled whenever he sat down, so he found himself roaming the house restlessly, trying to find something to do.  He offered to help his mother with the dishes, but she shooed him off saying she was already done.  He tried to help his father with the laundry, but he was so inept at folding it that he was quickly sent elsewhere.  He tried watching a movie, but couldn’t settle to it.  With a sigh, he finally allowed himself to text Isak.

_I miss you_

_Me too_

_Can I come over?_

_I’m with Eskild at the flat, but sure_

When he arrived, Even plastered himself to Isak with a groan.  “You’re never allowed to leave me again, baby,” he declared in the most dramatic tones he could muster.

Isak wrapped his own arms around Even, and hugged him tight.  “It’s been two hours, Even.”

“Those two hours were torture!”

Isak laughed, then kissed Even thoroughly, making Eskild roll his eyes at them.  Eskild then ostentatiously headed to the kitchen to make coffee, saying he would be a _very_ long time.  Eventually, Isak backed out of the kiss and sat down on the couch, pulling Even down next to him and wrapping his arms around Even.  He seemed to know without needing to be told that Even needed to be held right now.  They sat like that quietly for a few minutes, soaking in each other’s presence.  Being with Isak like this, not needing to talk but drawing strength from him, was one of Even’s favourite things.  It always made him feel more centered.

“How are you?” Isak asked, finally breaking the silence.  

“I’m …” Even paused, trying to put his fears into words that wouldn’t seem like whining.  “Actually I’m a bit nervous.  It’s been a long time since I had to meet parents.”

Isak looked at him then, worry in his eyes.  He pushed a stray lock of Even’s hair off his face as he thought, then said, “we don’t have to do it today, if you don’t want to.”

“No, it’s okay.  I’m fine, I just needed to see you.”

In answer, Isak pulled him into another hug, recognising everything Even wasn’t saying.  That it wouldn’t matter how long they put it off, he’d still feel the same way, and that he just wanted it over with.  The fact that Isak recognised all these things, and silently acknowledged them without any pressure,  made Even’s heart beat faster.

“I’m nervous, too,” Isak whispered into his neck.  “I’ve never done this before -- taken anyone home to meet them.  It never felt right with any of the girls I was with before.”

“We’ll be fine, together.”

“Yeah,” Isak breathed.  “Yeah we will.”

“How long til we need to go?”

“About two hours.”

“Do you want to go for a walk?  I can’t sit still right now.”

Isak nodded understanding, and gave him one last squeeze before he let go, and picked up his discarded scarf.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

  


The walk settled Even’s nerves a little, so by that evening he was feeling calmer.  As they headed towards Isak’s mother’s house, Even could feel the trembling of Isak’s hand as he held it.   Ironically, knowing how nervous Isak was gave Even strength.  He squeezed Isak’s fingers gently, telling him without words that they were in this together, and no matter what, they had each other.  It seemed to help.  Isak looked up at him with a small smile and nodded once before taking a deep breath, pushing the door open, and stepping inside the house.

“Mum?  Dad?  We’re here,” he called, his voice just slightly off, shaky with nerves.  

Even squeezed his fingers again in reassurance, and was rewarded with another beautiful smile.  It was while they were still looking at each other that Isak’s father came into the hallway.  He paused briefly as they looked over at him.

“Isak.  And this must be Even.”

He looked Even over with an appraising glance, but smiled in a friendly manner when Even held out his hand.

“It’s good to meet you,” Even said as they shook.

“Come in,” Isak’s father said after a pause that lasted a beat too long, leaving a simmering tension in the air.  “Your mother is excited to see you again, Isak.”

Isak blushed and shrugged, as if unsure if the comment was sincere or a stab at him for not being around more.  But he led the way through into the small dining room, where his mother was putting the final touches on the table setting.  She looked up when they came in and her face lit up into a loving smile.

“Isak!”  She enveloped him in a huge hug, pulling him down to her level and kissing his cheek as she let him go.  Then she turned to Even, and to his surprise she hugged him too.  “It’s so good to meet you,” she said.  “Isak hasn’t really said much about you except that you exist.”

Even glanced over at Isak, whose face was crimson, and he smiled at him.  “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

“Oh, he’s very handsome, Isak,” she said, turning to him with a smile  “Where did you find him?”

Still blushing, and staring at the ground as if he wished it would open up and give him safe passage out of here, Isak said, “we met at school.”

His mother smiled brightly, as if expecting him to carry on, but Isak just kept staring at the floor.  Her smile slipped a little, and she turned to Even as is appealing for help, but he had no idea what to say.

“Well, isn’t that nice,” Isak’s father said after a few moments, cutting through the awkward tension in the room.

They all sat down, and Even pressed his leg against Isak’s, both to reassure himself and to give Isak some support.  He still looked awkward and uncomfortable, and his obvious distress was making Even feel awkward too.

Soon, however, once the food was served and they were all eating, things became more comfortable.  Isak looked less like he was going to expire on the spot, and was comfortable enough to smile at Even, and allow himself to touch his hand whenever they passed each other anything.  Isak’s mother seemed fine, and she managed to keep the conversation flowing relatively freely, asking Even about his schooling and what he wanted to do once he left.  She was surprisingly knowledgeable about music and they spent a happy few minutes discussing their favourite artists.  Isak and his father mostly watched, but they both seemed relaxed and happy so Even assumed they just didn’t want to be too involved rather than feeling any lingering awkwardness.

By the end of the evening, Even thought Isak’s parents at least accepted him even if they were unlikely to be his biggest fans.  He said as much to Isak when they left.

“Yeah,” he sighed.  “They were better than I expected.  Mum was … she was pretty good today.  Whatever they’re doing to help her is doing her good, I guess.”

Even pulled him into his side.  “Why didn’t you expect them to be so great?”

“They’re very religious, and you know …” he shrugged uncomfortably.  “It’s one thing to know your son has a boyfriend; it’s something else to actually see it.”

“I think they were really great, baby.  They didn’t seem bothered at all.”

“I know,” Isak smiled.  “For my dad, that was practically him begging you to become part of the family.”

Even laughed.  “High praise, then.”

“The highest.”  Isak cuddled into Even again for a few moments, before he pulled away and started walking.  “Let’s go home.”

There it was again, the casual assumption that ‘home’ was wherever they happened to be heading together.  It made Even happy, not least because it meant that Isak had stopped seeing his mother’s house as a home he needed to escape from.  The idea of having Isak with him forever was starting to crystallise in Even’s head, but he had to suppress it.  It wasn’t time yet, but it was nice to know that it was possible that Isak saw things similarly … for future reference, if the topic ever came up at any point.

  


After school on Monday, Even sat in the coffee shop, sipping a coffee as he waited for Mikael and Sonja.  She’d finally agreed to have a coffee with him, but they’d both agreed that having Mikael along would be good just in case things got awkward.  Even was looking forward to it.  As much as he was really enjoying his new life, he missed his old friends.  He hadn’t seen Mikael since the frankly awkward conversation about Even’s shittiness to Isak, and Sonja … well, she’d been distant for good reason.

“Hey, loser,” Mikael crowed as he dropped into a seat, startling Even.

“Hey.”  Even smiled at him.  “You’re early.”

“Got off work early.  Couldn’t wait to see my best buddy and his new love interest.”  He looked around.  “Where is he anyway?”

“Coming later.  He had some study stuff he wanted to do before leaving.”

“Damn, and here I was going to quiz him on his intentions before Sonja arrived.  Make sure he’s good enough for your stupid ass.”

Even laughed, and pushed Mikael.  “You just wanted to snoop, admit it.”

“That too.”

The door tinkled then, and they both looked up.  Sonja, looking radiant, walked in and her eyes immediately searched them out.  She came over, sighing dramatically as she dropped into the chair opposite Even’s.  

“God, I need a coffee,” she said.

“Good thing you’re in a coffee shop then,” Mikael said just as Even said, “Good afternoon to you, too,” and they all laughed.

“I’ll be right back,” she said, standing up.

“How is she?” Even asked Mikael as she disappeared.  

“She’s doing great.  She seems happy, honestly.”

“Good.  That’s good.”

They sat quietly until she came back, and they all settled into their usual comfortable routine.  Even had thought it might be weird being together like this now that they weren’t a couple anymore, but it was easier than he’d expected.  Which he should have thought through -- these were his oldest friends; they were never going to truly awkward not after so many years of friendship.  Instead, it was banter and insults and Even was laughing more than he had in a long time.

“You two are assholes,” Sonja gasped finally when she managed to stop herself from laughing.  “This ganging up on me is unfair.  It never used to be like this.”

“Yeah, well, in the past you’d cut me off if I didn’t take your side.”

Even’s tone was light and he meant it as a joke, but he realised there was some truth in it.  Sonja had expected a certain degree of ‘togetherness’ from them while they were a couple, and it had become quite stifling.  Not like Isak, who was so open to new things and all the wonders that the world held that he was unphased when he ended up at the harsh end of a joke -- being just as likely to send one back as to pout in fake unhappiness.  

Sonja’s face fell a little as she took in what Even was saying, and he shook his head.  “I didn’t mean it like that, you know that.”

“Yeah I know,” she sighed.  

The bell above the door tinkled again.  Even looked up to see Isak entering the cafe and looking around.  Even could feel his face blooming into a smile as Isak caught sight of him.  He raised his eyebrows, and Isak nodded then made his way to the counter after acknowledging Even with a smile.

“God, Even.  You’re so … so …” Sonja said, looking at him in fascination.

“Yeah.  I feel like telling you to get a room, just from that look,” Mikael added with a nod.

“Shut up.  It’s not like that.”

“Oh, it’s totally like that,” Sonja said under her breath, with a meaningful look at him as Isak came to the table and sat down next to Even.  He looked anxious and ill at ease, as he caught both Mikael and Sonja staring at him as if he were some sort of interesting new scientific theory.

Unwilling to dignify Sonja with a response, and to help Isak feel at home, Even pulled him into his side.

“This is Isak,” he said, with a smile.  “My boyfriend.”

“Yeah, we’ve met,” Mikael said with a gleam in his eye which did not bode well.

“Not as my boyfriend you haven’t,” Even said, letting himself stare at Isak for a long moment, pouring all his affection into the look.  Isak relaxed next to him, smiled back and nodded at the others.

Mercifully, Mikael didn’t lay any of his sarcasm on Isak, but Even could see him biting his lip and storing them all up for when he next got Even alone.  The glances he was giving him promised a lot of ribbing in Even’s future.  Even found he didn’t really give much of a shit, not when Isak was here, cuddled into his side.  Not when Even was becoming friends with Sonja again, and she seemed happy and open and genuinely pleased for him.  

They talked for about an hour, Isak eventually relaxing and starting to join in with the banter.  That side of him that Even had noticed when he was with his own friends was coming out again, and he managed to get in a few sly barbs with the straightest face Even had seen him muster.  He found himself totally charmed, and knew it must be showing on his face by the looks Mikael gave him.

“As nice as this has been,” Sonja said eventually, “I need to be going.  Hot date tonight.”

She winked at them as she gathered her things.

“Oooh.”  Mikael’s eyes lit up, and Even couldn’t help chuckling because he was so predictable.  Whenever any of his friends found someone new, Mikael was always fascinated and got overly involved.  “Wait for me, Sonja,” he called, gathering his own stuff and throwing a hasty ‘see you’ at Even and Isak before hurrying after her.  “I want to hear all about it.  Who is he?  Where are you going?  How honourable are your intentions?”

Sonja’s exasperated but fond replies drifted back to Even as the two of them left the shop.  Even laughed again, and Isak sighed, pressing a small kiss to Even’s cheek.

“Mmmm,” Even said in appreciation.  

“I like your friends,” Isak said.  “They’re funny.”

“They’re something, yeah.”

Isak gave him a look which clearly showed exactly how little he believed the way Even was trying to downplay it all.  Even shrugged, acknowledging it but not keen to dwell on what he was doing.  Isak smiled then, letting Even drop the conversation, and giving his thigh a squeeze where his hand had fallen.  

“I didn’t tell you, I think?  Eskild and Noora are having a party this Friday,” he said.

Thankful for the change of topic, Even laughed.

“Really?  A party?  Right when you just moved in?  That’s not coincidental at all.”

Isak nodding, giving a fond smirk.  “I think I was used as a good excuse; Eskild loves a good party.”  He sobered a little.  “D’you want to come?  I know parties can be a bit much, after ...”

Even cut him off quickly.  “I wouldn’t miss it.”

In response, Isak kissed him.  It was brief, a mere brush of lips, but Even swelled with happiness.  This was becoming more common -- Isak showing affection in public, even if he was still a little wary at school.  Even was happy to give him the space and time he wanted, but he couldn’t deny that part of him wanted to show Isak off, let the world know he was Even’s boyfriend.  That Isak was slowly becoming more comfortable with that idea was thrilling.  Even squeezed his hand under the table in acknowledgement, before they collected their bags and coats and left the shop to make their way back to the flat for the night.

  
  


The thump of the bass was pounding through the walls, but it was muffled enough that Even was able to tune it out.  Often, his thoughts could be loud and uncontrollable; they’d invade and take over when he wasn’t looking.  They’d either push him to new and extreme risks on the wings of overblown ideas, or remind him that he was the worst person to ever live and didn’t deserve anything good.  But today, Even’s thoughts were softer.  They flittered around him, bringing back memories that made him smile even as he cringed over some of them.  

He was in Isak’s room, his new room in the flat, and all their friends were out in the common areas enjoying themselves.  Thinking back to his first day at Bakka that year, Even couldn’t believe he’d come to this point.  Then, he’d been alienated, feeling lonely and unconnected to everyone around him.  He’d felt like he’d made the biggest mistake of his life by staying at the school and toughing it out.  The newfound discovery that he had to battle through every day, fighting the perceptions that all the other students had of him, had been so discouraging.

But, Even reminded himself with a smile, that was also the day he’d first seen Isak.  That was the day his life started on its new course.  Without the alienation, he and Isak may never have connected and he may never have come to this point, sitting on his boyfriend’s bed with a houseful of cheerful people outside the door, people who were always welcoming and happy to see him.  He might never have become as happy as he was right now

The door clicked open and Even looked up, dragged out of his thoughts.  He smiled, feeling his heart lighten even further as it revealed Isak framed in the doorway, his hair glowing and a smile on his face that made Even’s heart stop.

“Hey, baby,” Isak said as he crossed the room to sit next to Even.

“Hey.”

Even leaned in to brush their lips together and Isak hummed appreciatively.

"Why’re you hiding in here?”

“Mmmmm,” Even said, pressing another small kiss to Isak’s lips.  “I’m not hiding.  I’m reflecting.”

Isak laughed and nudged him with his shoulder.  “Oh?  There’s a difference?”

“A big difference.”

“Mmmmhmmm.”  

Isak looked skeptical, so Even smiled at him and took his hand.  He ran his fingers around it, playing with the knuckles and enjoying the way it made Isak shiver.

“I was thinking about how I got here, and how I wouldn’t change it.”

“You wouldn’t?”

Isak sounded surprised, which Even guessed was probably fair enough.  There had been some hard times on their way to this point, but he wanted to be honest and this was the only way he knew how.

“Nah.  Would you?”

“Yeah.  Some of it.  I wish my parents hadn’t been so … so …”

Isak’s voice trailed off, and he stared into the distance, obviously reliving some of the worst parts of the last few weeks.  Even nodded his understanding, but didn’t say anything, choosing instead to let Isak think things through.  

“But you know what I wouldn’t change?” Isak asked after a few moments.  “I wouldn’t change anything to do with you.”

Even raised an eyebrow, unsure whether to believe this.  After everything, that seemed far too generous.

“Even though I was an asshole?”

“Yeah, even then.”

Isak smiled gently as he saw the expression which must have bloomed on Even’s face as the fear stabbed his heart -- it was never easy acknowledging that he had been an asshole, and Even was still worried that one day Isak would realise he should be more offended by it than he was, and that he’d leave.  Isak softened the moment with a kiss.

“Not like that, idiot,” he said, his voice as gentle as his smile had been.  “I just mean, I like how things are now, and I don’t know if it might have been different if things had happened differently.  We might not have met, or we might not have clicked the same.  I just … I like being here, like this, with you.”

Even could feel his heart pounding; Isak said these things so easily and it always took his breath away.  He was so damn sure of it all, and Even thanked his lucky stars that Isak had chosen to spend his time with him, despite all his many imperfections.  He pulled Isak in for another kiss, longer this time, leaving them both breathless and a little rumpled.  

They only stopped because Eskild thumped on the door and yelled, “come out of there my little angels.  You don’t want to miss the party of the century, not when it’s in your honour.”

“Shut up, Eskild.  We won’t be long,” Isak yelled back.

“Don’t take too long, and make sure you use protection,” Eskild called out in parting, making Isak groan and causing a vivid red to bloom on his cheeks.

“Why is he like that?’ he asked.

“Because he loves you, and that’s his very strange way of showing it,” Even said, kissing Isak once more before they stood up.

“I think you’re wrong, by the way,” Even said as they headed towards to door.

“Wrong?”

Isak looked back at him with his forehead creased in confusion.

“Yeah.  We would be here the same way.  It wouldn’t matter how we’d met.”

Isak smiled.  “You seem very sure.”

“I am sure.  All your parallel universes -- I’ve been there, and I know.”

“To all the parallel universes that exist everywhere?”

He was laughing, all embarrassed grumpiness caused by Eskild now gone.  Even grabbed him and pulled him in for another hug.

“Yep, all of them.  They all have you and me together just like this.”

He kissed Isak again for emphasis, and laughed as Isak struggled to get away.

“You’re full of shit.”

“Yeah, but you love it.”

“I do,” Isak said, smiling and giving in.  He leaned into the hug he hadn’t been able to escape from.  “And I love you, too.”

“You do, yeah.”

Even grinned, squeezing tighter and trying to make Isak squirm.  Isak gasped, affronted, and finally managed to wriggle out of the embrace.  “Oh my god, you’re such an asshole.  I’m uninviting you from my room.”

“Good thing there’s a party then, with lots of people who actually want to see me.”

“Yeah, you’re lucky.”

“I really am, baby.”  Even smiled, pulling Isak back into his side one last time before they left the room.  “And for the record, I love you too.”

“I know.”

Together, they headed out to their friends, and Even thought that it really didn’t matter how they’d got here.  Regardless of what might be happening in any of the other possible parallel universes, in this one he was happy.  He had Isak, he had good friends, and he had a family who loved and supported him.  In this universe, in the here and now, he was blessed, and that was all that mattered.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's it. I'd like to thank everyone who's been reading along. Your comments and support have always brightened my day. I have another something in the works, but it's going to be a while before it sees the light of day. Having to write this as i was going was too stressful, so I think I'll try to go back to posting after it's all done. [edit - that idea didn't pan out for a variety of reasons, and writing this was really draining, so I think I may step away from writing more for a while. Sorry]
> 
> In the meantime, please come say hi on [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/rumpelsnorcack) I love talking to people!


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